Post # 1
So today we found out my mom DOES NOT have breast cancer, its a non cancerous mass but they are going to keep an eye out for it. I only found out this morning as I was watching my niece but 5 hours is a loooong time to wait when it could be your mom may not be around much longer.
So, in light of that I have really woken up and realized I am not okay with the “future” of my relationship with my lovely man. I want to get engaged, set a date, move in together and get married within a year. I don’t want to wait around for it when things like mentioned may keep us from having a real wedding and celebrating with people we love, because I would not have a wedding if my mom were not around.
So when he gets back from his work trip I’m going to talk calmly and rationally this time and let him know my timeline of August 1 THIS YEAR is still in effect. If I don’t have a commitment in the form of a ring and a proposal we are going to reelaluate our relationship via spending time apart possibly permenatly because he’s so laid back I will not wait around for him to start my life, while I understand his hesitency, I deserve better then that, WE deserve to stop all the pussy footing around and really be together.
Is it wrong to do this? I feel we talk about this a lot but never get anywhere so I want to lay everything out on the table and just deal with it instead of being nice. Nice ladies, doesn’t really get you anywhere sometimes.
Has anyone else had a “wake up” call?
Post # 3
@hottlips: I think you’ve been through alot of trama and worry lately and I wouldn’t rush into any conversations based on these events. I would give it a couple of days and maybe have the conversation when your in a less emotional state.
Post # 4
I agree about waiting a bit when you are more calm and your nerves are on the surface. Yay for you mom by the way. I don’t think it’s wrong to do this or to expect to have concrete plans. However take my advice with a grain of salt, I’m not into the whole waiting game. I had that issue with my ex amongst others, I told him when the lease was up I was leaving, and I did. I think if you guys can’t agree on a timeline or date, then you should do what best for yourself at that point.
Post # 5
I’m new here and this is actually my first post. I haven’t had a wake up call per se with my current boyfriend but I certainly saw what true love was when my father was dying of a very sudden and aggressive cancer several years ago and my mom helped take care of him. It made me realize that while the Hallmark version of love and life is nice, its the real stuff that will really put your relationship to the test. Because of this, I’m a lot less inclined to settle for a man who can’t make up his mind or treats me badly, I always think back of how my mom never complained about taking care of my father and I sort of compare that in the back of mind. I know a lot will disagree with me, but I think if its that difficult to get a proposal that it makes me question how this man will handle the really tough stuff in our future, the unavoidable things. My parents dealt with a lot in their marriage including two children who were in an out of hospitals and they way they dealt with it which is another thing i reflect on.
I’m in the same predicament as you, it hasn’t been a super long relationship but I’m 35 (as is he) and we’ve been dating for a year and two months, not living together, but I told him that I did not and was not going to wait beyond our two year anniversary for a proposal, 10 months from now. It wasn’t an ultimatum, but I told him there were things I wanted out of life, we’ve discussed children so my age especially is a concern, and that I wanted him to be a part of that life but that he had to be on the same page and within a reasonable amount of time. If not, I need to re-evaluate things. Honestly, I was really hoping at our year anniversary he would have proposed but then he got a new job which is great, but he also moved to a different part of the city and signed a year lease so I’ve been unsure about things since then since it doesn’t seem like a very “we” move. I don’t feel two years is unreasonable for us, but beyond that I really am not willing to wait.
I don’t know your whole story, but I think a deadline of a year is reasonable and you have to ask yourself if he’s in the same boat as you.
Post # 6
Happy to hear the results! I can totally see why this would be a wake up call. I think these things happen for a reason. Sounds like you have a plan. Good for you for taking control of your life.
Post # 7
@KatertotATL: I wish it had been a year, but its been almost 2 1/2 years! August is actually the 2 1/2 year mark and I gave him that extra 6 months because I know he’s an analyzer and I’m very kind.
Thanks ladies, he’ll be back in a in week so I’ll have some time to really think about things.
Thanks soo much!
Post # 8
@KatertotATL: Your story is soo sweet, I hope that I’m like that and welcome to the Beehive! 😀
Post # 9
firstly, i’m so glad that your mother is ok!
and as for your situation, i think that your slightly altered mindset after this difficult ordeal is completely understandable and commendable. it’s sad that we sometimes have to encounter shock or bad news to remind ourselves that life is short, but it is. so i think you wanting what you want is absolutely reasonable.
however, i would be very careful not to make what you’ve just gone through the main reason of why you want to get married quickly. it would make me fear that he would resent it down the line – he might say he felt pressured into it because of your situation. it’s one thing if he is similarly affected by all this and also wants to speed things along, but if he feels he has to accomodate you because of what you had to deal with, it might backfire at some point. just a thought.
Post # 10
Great news re your Mother.
I don’t think it is wrong to have a calm, rational discussion with your partner… but if you put an ultimatum in there you had better intend on following through.
I was always upfront with my hubby, and it worked for us. We were engaged on our 1 year anniversary. I hgad no intention of waiting more than 3 years for a ring (at my age).
Good luck OP!
Post # 11
I think you’ve put a lot of thought into what you want your future to look like and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m glad your mom is ok, but that’s so scary still!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with honest and open communication. You might think about approach it by telling him how you feel and asking him how he feels. That way it doesn’t sound like you are demanding anything. You are just setting out your goals/plans for the future and you want to get his opinion and hopefully get on the same page. It’s all about how you approach the conversation. It sounds like you’ll have some time to think about what you’d like to say. Good luck and keep us posted!
Post # 12
@hottlips: oh yes I’ve had a wake up call like that, my Grandmother passed away a month and a half ago, and that’s it on my Grandparents, I had hoped that my future children would have been able to meet one of their Great Grandparents. Sadly that won’t happen. SO’s Grandparents have passed on too. SO and I have been together for 2 and a half years as well (10/14/09) and what kills me is that HE HAS THE RING! But he is so concerned with our financial future that he’s holding us up. Sigh, I wish I had advice for you, but all I can do is empathize lol
And I’m glad to hear that your Mom is ok 🙂