- 4 months ago
Hey Bees- I’ve posted on this same topic before. Many of you told me to walk, and I stayed out out stupid hope. I’ve never felt so low.
For more background you can read my other posts, but for quick reference, I (28F) am finally walking away from my live in bf (35m) of 6.5 years. 🙁
4 years in to our relationship we started the marriage talk. He told me he didn’t want to marry me. Marriage is something I’ve always wanted, and we obviously weren’t on the same page so I moved out. It was tearful and horrendous. He begged me back, wanted to work on things, asked me to go to couples counseling with him. We are amazing together, but his parents divorce was BAD. Like more than could have imagined bad. It definitely scarred him and made me understand it’s not that he didn’t want me, he was terrified of marriage. We worked through a lot of issues. Took a few months, but eventually got to the point where he said he did want to be married and did in fact want to marry me specifically. Not a proposal, just a fact. Nor was I expecting a proposal right away. I moved back in, and unintentionally my wait began.
6 months goes by- no further talk from him about marriage or proposals. A friends wedding starts the conversation, so I bring it up. He promises he definitley wants to. I trust him and continue waiting. One more month. Three more months. As the months go by with no sign or progress I bring it up to make sure we’re still on the same page. He assures me we are but there is no action. 6 more months. I begin to wonder if he means what he says- Anxiety is building and starting to become a problem. We have the conversation again. He assures me we are both on the same page, and both agree that he will propose by New Year’s Day 2018 (6 more months). Having a timeline eases my anxiety and I feel excited again.
More waiting. Meanwhile he’s never asked what rings I like. We’ve never looked at them together. He doesn’t know my ring size. It’s December and I start to worry again. I’ve never gone through his phone or felt the need to search any of his things, but in my pain of needing to feel at ease I check his search history to see if he’s even googled rings or proposal ideas or anything? Absolutely nothing. Maybe he’s really good at keeping things a surprise? I anxiously wait for Christmas. Each present opened with his whole family sends my nerves into overdrive. My heart is racing I’m so excited! And! Nothing. It was such a let down- I cry on a Christmas evening and confess my disappointment. There is only one week until New Years and I ask if he’s even looked at rings? He admits he hasn’t, but says he didn’t realize this was hurting me so much and makes an appointment at Brilliant Earth next day.
I ask how it went- he tells me he was stressed out about choosing the wrong one and asks me to go with him. We go together and pick one out. He buys it that day, but because of my style preference the ring will take 3 weeks to come in. I’m peeved at him for not planning this sooner to meet our agreed upon timeline, but let it go because I know for a fact he has the ring now.
January 2018- He has the ring. I saw it in his drawer while putting away laundry. I eagerly await Valentine’s Day. Nothing. My birthday in May. Nothing. A trip we have planned in June. Nothing. Our anniversary in August. Nothing. I’m studying for a big test in October- maybe he doesn’t want to stress me out before then? Nothing. Thanksgiving, Christmas. Nothing.
New Years Day 2019 I cry in the shower as I realize he’s broken his promise twice now. I tell him it feels like my feelings and the promises hes made to me about dates don’t matter to him. He says they do matter, he loves me and knows he wants to be with me forever, but still no action. He says he had a plan but it wasn’t working out. He begs me for more time to come up with a really special proposal. He asks me to give him until Valentine’s Day 2019.
I love him. Our families get along, we make great roommates, we don’t argue about finances, we are on the same page about how we’ll raise our future kids, we cuddle in our sleep every. Single. Night. He cooks dinner for us most nights, he kisses me goodbye when he leaves the morning and leaves smoothies on my bedside table for me to wake up to. He reads my textbooks out loud to me when I’m too tired to read them myself, tucks me in before he leaves for work, and I absolutely can’t imagine my life without him.
But ladies- Vday 2019 and you guessed it. Nothing. He didn’t even make dinner reservations. I got home excited that maybe he had something fun planned and instead he said he wanted to talk. He said he couldn’t propose with so much pressure being put on him and it didn’t feel natural. He asks for more time and less pressure but I can’t do this anymore.
Honestly the anxiety and stress of waiting have ruined me. I don’t trust his promises anymore. I’ve become more and more depressed with each passing holiday/family event/vacation and its taken a huge toll on my self esteem and mental health.
Either luckily or unluckily I have a work trip in Vegas this weekend, so I left on the 15th and return home tomorrow. He’s picking me up at the airport and then (haven’t told him yet) I’ve arranged to stay at a friends house once I repack my things. I’m so hurt and sad, and yet part of me is hoping he shows up at the airport with some sort of proposal sign. What the hell is wrong with him? What the hell is wrong with me? We love each other so much, no doubt about that, but I can’t get past the excuses and hurt I feel about all this. I know finally walking is what needs to be done but damn does it hurt SO bad. I feel like I’m throwing away the love of my life, but I’m also so incredibly pissed at his unfulfilled promises and myself for allowing this to go so far. Please tell me it’s worth the walk?