(Closed) Walk Date

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m confused. He said he wants to buy you a ring and just hand it to you? Then you’re engaged and will eventually will marry? I mean yeah I don’t love that idea but that’s exactly what my parents did. (In nyc). I’d rather do that than dump him.

Post # 34
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@Bettyboo1982:  Honey, we all have messy days.  🙂

Post # 36
Member
2514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Have you talked to him recently to find out why the look of panic?  

I want to get married, I really want to have kids, but even at that I have these strange moments.  It’s huuuuuuge.  And often they hit me when I’m doing something completely unrelated.  And I know for a fact I get the panic look.  My SO really wants kids early after we get married.  I want to wait a bit longer.  And the other day I was cooking dinner and he mentioned that by this date in 2 years I could be pregnant.  I almost dropped the pan I was holding.  We’re talkers though, so we talked about it.  It’s just such a big change and such a huge responsibility that it freaks me out a bit.  I get over it quickly and get excited about it.  But I could understand the panic on his face if it was brought up out of the blue – especially if you haven’t discussed actual timelines.  We have and I still have moments. 

The first time I referred to myself as his wife I actually stopped mid-sentence and started to laugh.  It was just so weird to say. 

If you haven’t sat down and really figured out what he wants/what he’s thinking and told him what you want and what your timeline looks like he may not realize how important the dates/timeline are to you. 

Good luck!

Post # 37
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Bettyboo1982:  Hello Fellow Waiting Bee!

I’m 30, I’ll be 31 early next year.  I feel your pain and frustration. 

When I first came here…I ONLY had a walk date.  It was for June of 2014.  About 2 months ago I realized a few things that I’m going share with you just in case you find it helpful.

1) SO wants to marry me.  He knows that I wanted to be married by 30…but we have many outside factors…like him not finishing his PhD on time and also not being able to get a job just yet, and living with him I know that he’s been actively trying for a job.

2) I realized that I want to marry my SO.  I love him and I want to be with him, and I realized that if it takes another year or two…I’m willing to wait.

3) I can likely still have kids at 35+ because other women in my family have.

Sooooo you say that you don’t want kids after 35 bc you don’t want to give up your career and that is the only comment I don’t understand.  I don’t plan to give up my career. I will likely take maternity leave…but I don’t have the intention of giving it up….Perhaps you can elaborate on this more.

4) I realized that in the time it takes me to meet another man who I like…and would hopefully love half as much as I love my guy now, and build a relationship stable enough to bring children into could take a while.  I will most likely be engaged and married before I could meet a new guy/have kids/get married or meet a new guy/get married/have kids.

My date is now Sept 2017, however, SO and I have both talked about this being the last possible year we want to get married.  We are hoping for a 2016 wedding.  I am saving for it now, and I know that SO is saving for a ring. 

Good Luck!

Post # 42
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This is probably an unpopular opinion on here, but I’m not down with the waiting game. Where the S.O. keeps dropping hints or using it as a tool of power to lord over their girlfriend.

 

In this day an age when to  get engaged should be because of a result of choices made by both parties. That doesn’t mean that a one person should decide that they want to get married and force the other partner to get on board. But at a certain both of you both agree you want to be married to each other, there no need for all of this waiting to an elusive date the other person chooses.

 

I was in a similar situation after five years. The Ex wanted to buy a house and have kids without talking about marriage. Which was his right, it was also my right to say hell no and leave. We talked about it for several months, and after being in limbo and having him decided to buy a house without me and have me pay rent, I told him when the lease was up I was leaving. I did, and long story short he did eventually decided he wanted to get married. In the end I couldn’t marry someone whom I had to breakup with, be separated from for nearly seven months, and begun casually dating another guy. Seriously I didn’t think I could be with someone who it took all of that for him to decide that he wanted to be married to me. I gave the ring back.

 

 

 

Post # 43
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Bettyboo1982:  I can see where this would bother me too.  You are right, I do have valid excuses.

FWIW-These excuses did NOT seem valid for a long time.  Couldn’t wrap my head around needing to finish school, get a job, save for a ring…I don’t need him to have these things! 

I just didn’t know if there was something like that for you.  I will say this…If I thought AT ALL that we wouldn’t be getting married, I would leave.  Undecided  Sometimes I feel like some bees on here will be very fast to say ‘talk about a timeline and if it doesn’t match yours then leave’ or just ‘leave’…because I was given this advice on this forum too. 

I get the kids thing…I do want kids and I do consider how exhausting it can be.  I suppose that’s helped me calm down too….SO and I have chatted about what our lives will look like both with and without kids, and we’ve said that without kids we will be jetsetters and see the world..not a bad life. It’s not the one I really want…we’ve just talked about it because I worry about not being able to have kids if we wait too long. 

Post # 45
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@Bettyboo1982:  I had been with my fiance for over 5 years when he proposed (living together for 4 of those years.) I started to feel antsy around end of year 3 together. I asked directly what his thoughts were on getting married and when, and he told me it was on his mind as well and he’d set money aside for a ring, but he did not give a particular timeline. About 6 months into my “wait” he suggested a trip to the jeweler to try on rings (not without a few reminders from me over time, but he looked up the jeweler and set aside a day on his own.) We were engaged about 9 months after that, in September (he got the ring much earlier but was waiting for a special trip). We’re both in our early 30s, btw.

I can’t say waiting was easy. I thought about everything you just mentioned – stalling, walk dates, etc. But I love him so much, and I don’t want anyone else, he always treated me with love, dedication, and devotion, and I knew my fiance to be a man of integrity – i.e. if he were not interested in marrying me, he would just tell me no thanks (he can be pretty blunt sometimes!) So I chose to trust him and to put my entire self into the relationship. I also let him know that I wanted an intimate proposal with just the two of us, and I would like a small, intimate wedding and not some big expensive production with hundreds of eyes on us. I know that made him feel a lot more comfortable.

Keep talking to him. Be direct. Ask him if he has a timeline for marriage and children in mind, and let him know one won’t be happening without the other. Explain to him why marriage is important to you. See what he says in response. Hang in there!

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