(Closed) Walking a Difficult Road with my Father (Long, need advice)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee

I think that you already know the answer…and it doesn’t involve your dad. I always imagine relationships with family as: If I was in a romantic relationship with this person, would I leave? Just because they are family doesn’t mean they can be abusive towards you and still be in your life. It’s a lot harder and a lot more emotional to not have a family member be around on special days than to end a relationship with a romantic partner (mostly) because they are more a part of you and have been around your entire life (meaning parents and siblings and grandparents/aunts/uncles etc for the most part). It think it would be hard to not have him there, but the other option is a lot of anxiety and possible drama. I think that the important thing is your relationship with your FH, who seems to be a good guy. I would plan to move out ASAP and get married, if it was me. A 10k wedding can be a really nice wedding anyway! My budget will probably be well under 5k. 

 

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You’re between a rock and a hard place and you haven’t done anything wrong. I would try to get into a healthier environment with your FH and start a happier life with him. 

Post # 4
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

im so sorry that you have been through this.

IMO i think you need to do what you want to do. If your father has only ever ruined your day, i think you can assume it will happen again. He hasnt done anything else to to make you think other wise. Secondly, it seems that he cant cope with situations that dont go his way straight away. Weddings are notorious for being unpredictable. are you going to be able to handle your fathers explosion on top of trying to organise everything else, (do you really need it on your wedding day?). I think your father has anger management problems and would need councelling and other behaviour modificatoins to be able to cope with the event.

remember this is your day. whether you decide to invite him or not is your decision. one that is going to be hard to make either way. if you dont invite him, you are moving out and have to tell all this to your mother, if you do invite him you have the biggest chance of him ruing your day.

I hope that your decision is the best for the both of you! and you have the wedding you have dreamed of!

Post # 5
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this. You don’t deserve it.  I can honestly say that if I were in your position, there is no way in the world, heaven, or hell, I would let my father be in attendance at my wedding.  He has a history of ruining special days for you– don’t let him add another one to his list.  Let this day truly be a happy and unscarred day for you and your Fiance.  You two will have a beautiful home of your own one day.. it may take a bit longer since you’d be paying for the wedding yourselves, but so what?  Have your day and make it a happy one.  Rent a nice little apartment for a few years, then buy your first home.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!

Good luck, doll!  I really hope everything works out for the best!  :o)

Post # 8
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee

@dragonlover:

Your father sounds awful! And your brother sounds like he’s taking after him. There is no reason you should put up with verbal or PHYSICAL abuse. I would have never talked to my dad again if he did that to me. Have the wedding that will make you happy, regardless of other’s opinions. I think theme weddings are awesome 🙂 Medievil sounds like a ton of fun! And I think it won’t be fun if you let your Dad or brother have any impact on it. I’m sorry your mom has to put up with them as well. 

Post # 9
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

i think you need to step back and think. if this was someone else what would i advise them to do? if you saw this happening to your best friend would you honestly want this? or would you try and talk her out of this? would you accept this behaviour? the things we accept when we become used to them happening can sometime seem unbelievable! i am not in this exact situation but as with some ppl, my family is disfunctional in its own way! and sometimes i my self think, when did i allow this S*** to happen? (not saying you allow it to happen at all, just saying this is how ive felt.) 🙂

Post # 10
Member
4014 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Move out, and have a smaller wedding of your dreams with no drama and no unnecessary stress!! You sanity and health are so so important! More important than a huge wedding and a down-payment on a condo, I promise! It may take a little longer to save for your future home, but it will be so worth it when you do!! Im so sorry that you are having to deal with this, no one deserves to be treated that way!

Post # 11
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

**HUGS**

I’m really sorry that you’re having to go through this. I haven’t read all the responses, but this is my two cents.

In my personal and cut-throat honest opinion, you need to get yourself out of that house, and not let something like your wedding budget keep you in a potentially dangerous situation. Thankfully, I’ve never been abused, but I watched my mother get abused for a few years while I was in high school by her (now ex) husband, so I’ve learned from her mistakes.

Abusers (again, in my personal opinion, it may or may not apply to you) will do whatever they have to do to keep the abused person in the relationship, whether it’s a marriage, or just dating, or like in your case, father-daughter.

Your father will keep something like a really nice wedding budget hanging over your head to keep you in his house, so you’re close by for a punching bag. (Just guessing)

But after the wedding, will it be something else? You and your new husband move into the guest house in the backyard and he’ll pay for your kids college education? When would it ever end? Is it really worth it?

I think, just from reading your post, that you know already what you need to do, you’re just looking for confirmation for your decision. If that’s the case, I hope that you just move out. Don’t make a big deal about it, but just do it.

Who cares about the money? You and your Fiance will plan a beautiful wedding, no matter the budget. There are many amazing sites out there (#1 and #2) that give you lots of great tips, as well as classifieds like right here on the bee!

Anyways, whatever you do, please keep yourself safe. No matter what, that HAS to be your number one priority.

Post # 12
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

First, I am so sorry you are going through this. You do need to get out of the situation, and no condo or fancy wedding is worth paying for by being someones’s physical and emotional punching bag. But you know that. Your post reads, to me, like you’re asking our permission to do what you know you want to do–leave.

So:

Yes! Leave!

The thing about being an adult is that you have the power to remove yourself from the situation in a way you didn’t when you were a child. Exercise that power. Seriously, pack your shit and get out of there. There is no way that it’s good for you to be there.

Talk to your FI–can you guys move in together now? It may take longer to save up and buy a place of your own, but don’t you think being allowed to be happy in the intervening time would make that worthwhile?

RE: your wedding

First, 10K is more than a budget affair, no matter what the wedding industry says. 😉 And I think even if you have to go do a five minute vow exchange in front of the JOP and call it done, it would still be preferable to paying for your fancy wedding with your dignity and self respect.

After you move out, I think you should sit down with your parents in a public place (and have your Fiance with you) and explain to both of them why you don’t want your father at your wedding. Make it clear to him that if he physically assaults you, you will call the police and file charges. Because that’s what you do when people assault you. Even if they are related to you. And honestly, I think you should tell him that until he can treat yourself and others decently and with respect, there’s no place for him in your life. (Really, do you want this man around your eventual children?)

Chances are, your dad won’t be ppart of your life after you stand up to him. (But would that really be such a loss?)

Post # 13
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry hun you are going through this. You have taken enough abuse from your father and it must stop. You have a loving fiance who is willing to take you out of there and I wouldn’t wait any longer. A fancy wedding of your dreams is nothing compared to who really loves you. If it were me I would move out and elope or do the budget wedding. Your dad will probably scream and freak but whatever, he has a chance of doing that at the planned wedding too. My dear, I think you know what is best here and walk confidently forward with your fiance’s hand to whatever you need.

Post # 14
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@dragonlover:  I agree with the other bees that are telling you that your dad is emotional and physically abusive.  (Possibly also your brother because he learned it from your dad.)  I also agree that your dad should probably not be invited to your wedding.

BUT JUST NOT INVITING YOUR DAD TO YOUR WEDDING AND MOVING OUT WITH YOUR Fiance WILL NOT SOLVE YEARS OF ABUSE YOU HAVE SUFFERED.

I had a very neglectful and sometimes abusive biological mother.  Dealing with and processing that has taken years.  You have not even begun to deal with what has happened to you because you haven’t been removed out of that environment yet.  I think what you will find is that once you move in with your Fiance, is that your brain will want to start dealing with all that has happened to you.  Please, when you move out, have some support ready for yourself (e.g. counseling, support group, online group, self-help books) to begin dealing with all the emotional baggage from your dad. 

Post # 15
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@missvern: Also, best book on the subject EVER IMO: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

The topic ‘Walking a Difficult Road with my Father (Long, need advice)’ is closed to new replies.

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