(Closed) "Walking dates": Are you for or against them?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Would you walk or stay?

    If I don't get the ring by ___________, I'M OUT!

    I'm not going anywhere- I love him and he is the one for me, ring or no ring!

  • Post # 3
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    It wasn’t so much a walking date for me.. but it was more like “okay if this guy doesn’t care enough about my feelings to buy a ring and commit to me in the next 2 years, than maybe he isn’t the one for me and I should leave and cut my losses.”

    Post # 4
    8031 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Well… I think that if you’ve been together for a while (say 2+ years), have had discussions on marriage, and especially if he keeps saying “soon” or won’t give a timeline, period, you have every right to leave.

    I think that telling you guy the walking date is the same as issuing an ultimatum, so I wouldn’t go that route.

    However, there is nothing wrong with thinking to yourself “I have done everything I can do… we have been together long enough… ball is in his court. If he doesn’t propose by X day, I can’t wait any longer.”

    Post # 5
    486 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @Stranger516:  I wasn’t ever really waiting like som other bees, and I might get flamed for this, but I don’t really think it’s fair to put a date or timeline on a relationship. If he isn’t wanting marriage or ready to get married and it’s really important to someone, I think it’s a huge roadblock and if you have to set a “walk date”, you’ve already made your decision.

    Post # 6
    919 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    View original reply
    @jb20:  +1

    Just because you’re ready for the next step doesn’t mean he is. I think its important to keep the communication open and be on the same page about it, and having a “walk date” seems a little selfish in some cases


    Post # 7
    9538 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think that basically comes down to if marriage is a deal breaker for you. Since my husband was the “waiting” one since he was ready to propose before I was ready to say yes, I don’t really know. But I’m pretty sure I would be okay never getting married. So I wouldn’t have a walk date. But that’s me. If you know you absolutely want to get married then I think a walk date is reasonable.

    Post # 8
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee

    I definitely had a blank-out moment, I thought this thread was about like walking around the city dates. D’oh!

    I’m a fan of walking dates…they’re a personal decision that one makes for her/his own health. It’s cutting your losses if you genuinely don’t believe this person wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I wouldn’t give an ultimatum because by the time I was even thinking along that route, I wouldn’t want a pressure induced proposal.

    Post # 9
    4025 posts
    Honey bee

    @Stranger516:  I think loving a person does not garauntee that they will love you back and make the same committment you are seeking to make.

    Just because you walk away from a relationship does not mean you no longer love them. For a relationship to be successful and for both people to be truly happy, I believe they need to be on the same page as far as life goals and committments go.

    If someone wants marriage and the other person does not, it isn’t fair for one person to stay in the relationship (if they aren’t happy) or for the other person to be forced into marriage (if that isn’t what they want). 

    Now, I would never issue an actual ultimatum, however, I would clearly communicate my relationship expectations. If things did not appear to be moving in that direction within a reasonable amount of time (a few years) and my SO did not have valid reasons for delaying (i.e., employment, life circumstances), then I would absolutely consider leaving the relationship. 

    Personally, we waited 9 years to get engaged, and then got married 12 days before our 10 year anniversary. Why did we wait? Because we both agreed we did not want to get married until we were financially and emotionally stable. We started dating quite young and wanted to be older and established. We got married when we felt the timing was right and it was mutually agreed upon. I didn’t have a walkout date because we kept communication and expectations open/clear. 

    Post # 10
    566 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    It all depends.

    I wouldn’t go into a relationship with a set timeline in mind. Things happen. Things change. People move, lose jobs, lose family members, make new plans, and all of these things can have an effect on whether or when someone might want to get married.

    It also depends on how you both feel w/ respect to marriage. If you want to get married and he definitely doesn’t, then you should walk. If you want to get married and so does he in theory but he isn’t ready when you’re ready, then you talk about when he might be ready and if it’s reasonable. If it is, then you wait. If not, then you walk. If you want to get married and he doesn’t know, then you give him a reasonable time to figure it out. If neither of you cares that much about marriage, then you just kinda do your thing and don’t worry about it.

    Post # 11
    173 posts
    Blushing bee

    @Stranger516:  Yikes!


    I told SO that I wanted to be engaged by Dec 31 of last year. Well, NYE rolls around and there’s no ring and we have a giant (GIANT!) blowup argument on our way to the fireworks, and then had a Real Adult discussion for several hours when we got home. He’s been delt a crappy hand in terms of career, finances, etc and we live in a very achievement-oriented city and the combination of things has just had him really, really down in the dumps. He didn’t want to finish the ring (whole ‘nother story haha) because he didn’t feel like he had his life together enough to get engaged and has the whole “OMG I’m turning 30… what have I done with my life?!?!” thing going on. But we had a really good talk and said some things that really needed to be said regarding our level of commitment and life together.


    I’ve extended my deadline to May-ish, but he has articulated to me that he has a plan and a timeline (for us getting engaged & married and his life/things he wants to fix about it) and has taken actions consistent with that plan, so I might be a bit softer about it. I gave him the end-of-year “ultimatium” because I’ve watched way too many friends/acquaintences fall into the trap of dating, living with, even buying houses with men who had zero intention on marrying them. Not what I wanted for me, and getting that he does want to make that mutual level of committment and is taking action towards it… makes me a feel a little better about the path things are taking?


    FWIW, we have been together for just shy of 5 years, lived together for almost 4, and are in our mid/late 20s.


    Post # 12
    24 posts

    Hmm.. I think I’m more for a ‘serious talk’ date. For SO and I, we’ve talked about marriage since about a month into dating (together over 2.5 years now), looked at rings, talked about a budget, etc. and the at this point it’s just a matter of him just actually getting it together and picking a ring. The problem is, he is the biggest procrastinator ever (so am I!) Like he didn’t file his 2011 taxes until summer 2013, even though he knew he was due a 3k+ return! The plan  is to sell his car (moved to NYC so don’t need it anymore) + his 2013 bonus or 2013 tax returns and put that $$ towards a ring so he’s not having to go into his monthly salary at all — the car has been parked in a lot since August and he just gave me his returns to file for him (I don’t really mind this). When we moved in together we talked about an end of March timeline, though at this point I don’t have all that much faith in him having his ducks in a row by then. That said, if I’m still waiting in April, I’ll just have to sit him down and have a talk about what he’s doing to make it happen. He’s the love of my life, which is why I want to marry him and I know he wants to get married. However, I guess if the issue was that he wasn’t ready, I’d be more inclined to be for a ‘walk date’. Past a certain point (mid-late twenties) I couldn’t imagine accepting ‘I’m not ready to get married’ after over 2 years of dating. I’d defnitely question whether the relationship has a future at all.


    Sorry this post is kind of a jumbled thought stream lol.  

    Post # 13
    11515 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Stranger516:  I couldn’t give a walking date.  I wouldn’t leave, I knew I wouldn’t so it was pointless.  BUT if I hadn’t gotten my ring as my 30th birthday present (which it was) because that was 9 months after the promised time line and after our 8 year anniversary, Christmas, New Years and Valentines day I was going to lose my shit.  Thankfully, ring came and all was fine with the world.  There would have been a serious conversation if things hadn’t gone this way.

    FH did not know that my birthday was my deadline – that was determined in my head when our anniversary and Christmas passed with no ring.

    Post # 14
    841 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @Stranger516:  I’m engaged and was never “waiting” but I always told him I’d be with him forever regardless of whether we got married. I said I hoped to marry him one day but that I’d be common law forever. He said he liked the idea of getting married because it was official and showed our committment. I really mean it though, I would’ve stayed with him forever regardless. I love him, what more can I say.

    Post # 15
    2113 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    @Stranger516:  I’m on the 3rd side. If you’re waiting and he’s taking his sweet time, take initiative and propose to him. I don’t understand why people would rather walk than risk emasculating their SO by doing the asking themselves. If he’s not ready to say yes, then there’s your answer right there.

    So many people say that you should because it’s too much pressure on him to say yes or pushing him to be ready before he is. Honestly, I don’t see how it’s any different than a guy asking a girl. There’s still pressure to say yes. If you aren’t ready yet, you have to get ready or say no. There’s always a chance they’ll say no. If you’ve discussed marriage as a possibility and they seem open to it, I don’t see why it’s such a problem.

    Regardless, I’d rather be engaged to the person I love (even if it means me proposing to them) than walk away, single and brokenhearted. 

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