(Closed) "Walking dates": Are you for or against them?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Would you walk or stay?

    If I don't get the ring by ___________, I'M OUT!

    I'm not going anywhere- I love him and he is the one for me, ring or no ring!

  • Post # 47
    9071 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Vehemently against. To each their own, but I do not have high opinions of people who use marriage or engagement as an ultimatum.

    Post # 48
    1225 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I fully support the walk-date, and telling your BF about it!

    Your BF should know your plans for your future and be a part of that. It’s not fair to expect a man to guess that you want 7 kids if you’ve never talked about it. But if you have given him sufficient time to think about it and he’s not sure he wants to be a part of your future, what’s the point? What’s the point of waiting/pressuring/nagging/hoping/wishing/encouraging/pleading/pushing for him to change his mind? There’s a firm line between waiting for a man to be ready and pressuring a man in to something he doesn’t want to do – and that line is the walk date.     

    Post # 49
    420 posts
    Helper bee

    In my opinion, walking dates can be useful and also they can be misused. It isn’t the issue of a walking date but how it is used.

    Walking dates should:

    – be a way of ensuring both parties have agreed on a general timeline and continue to move in the same direction

    – allow women a sense of freedom to pursue/fulfill their life goals and dreams

    Walking dates should not:

    – create resentment in the relationship/marriage

    – be issued as an ultimatum or as a way to force a proposal out of someone

    Post # 50
    498 posts
    Helper bee

    I am not a fan of a walking date as in if it doesn’t happen by August 28th I am out! But I am Very practical so I have been setting myself up to be able to walk away financially and emotionally when and if I think I just cant be a waiting bee anymore. While I see how people say but I love him so much I could never imagine walking and if one walks it means you never loved the person, I totally disagree. Because it is not enough for me to just love him if he doesn’t love me the same way back. 

    walking dates to me are pressure on him which is a different kind than him realizing that you have your shit together enough to walk at anytime. What is the use of a proposal if you forced him? I think the focus should be on figuring out the disconnect, is it that he has his own fears that can be worked through or is it that he can be married but just not to me? All of that takes time to sort through which is why I roll my eyes when people her gasp and say I could never be a waiting bee. Whatever. Just because your timeline meshed with his does not mean your love is more special or he loves you more or you are more awesome. It just means things worked out Better for you in that particular area. And I am not a waiting bee because I feel like I can’t find anyone else or I don’t value myself. It just takes time to sort all of the above before making a life altering decision. 

    Post # 51
    7199 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @Stranger516:  I find the idea of assigning some random date (whether it’s just in your head or you actually tell him) really weird. Yeah, if my SO wouldn’t have a real conversation with me about marriage and our future, I’d walk because we weren’t on the same page. But I can’t imagine thinking “Ok, in 32 days I’m going to leave!” If I’m ready to leave a relationship, I just leave it. Are people even happy when they get a ring the day before their walk date? Hasn’t the stress and sadness and mentally preparing yourself to leave put a dark cloud over the whole time leading up to it?

    Post # 52
    53 posts
    Worker bee

    View original reply
    @weddingclueless:  Totally agree! Personally, I think a walking date let’s you know if you’re both moving in the same direction and have the same goals/desires for the future. I don’t think there’s any “magic number” of years for a relationship– each is totally different. But I don’t think its unreasonable to say to your SO after a while of dating “Where do you see us in __ years?” If one person says married or at least engaged and the other says they’re not sure, that can be a bit concerning. It’s at least a sign that there should be more communication about expectations.

    Post # 53
    2238 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    @Gem_Fem:  I agree. Very well said. 

    I think walking dates are a fine thing to do. As long as the reasons for having the walking date are sound, the date reasonable, and the person who made the date follows through with it, it can be the right choice. Of course, the reasons and timing vary from situation to situation. I do not see walking dates as shallow or an indication that the person isn’t ready for marriage. I think it suggests that they are ready for marriage, and that they aren’t going to put that on hold for someone who doesn’t know what they want. 

    After a certain amount of time — around two years — most people know whether or not their SO is the one they want to marry. The topic of marriage and much or all of what it will entail has usually been discussed at length. I think it would be unreasonable to suggest or advise that someone stay in a relationship with someone who is being indecisive about marriage when they have had plenty of time, information, and opportunity to make a decision. If someone is dragging their feet, that’s as good a reason as any to end the relationship and move on. Even if it seems like they are “The one”, the fact that they are dragging their feet is an indication that they’re not; nobody needs to wait around for a person like that. 

    I’d also like to point out that walking dates aren’t about the ring, for most women. It’s about moving forward in life.

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