Post # 33
@alicewhite87: You can’t have a civil, mature conversation with someone who is immature. Not saying your SO is immature, just raising that as a point to think about.
I’m glad you’re leaving everything to your child. If you think long and hard about what’s best for you and for your baby, hopefully you can set things up so that your child is taken care of if something happens to you. That’s what parents do. I hope nothing does and it’s not needed, but it’s best to plan for the worst, so you and your child are protected.
After seeing your updates, are you sure you want to be tied to him legally? If you make more money than he does, if he gives you attitude about your success, and if he puts his mom before you and your child together, is this someone you want to have legal right to your earnings after you’re married? He’s not demonstrating behaviors consistent with what I consider to be an emotionally supportive partner.
He sounds like he is gaslighting you (twisting all your words) and that’s not ok. Do you really want your child to think that how Daddy treats Mommy is an ok way for partners to treat each other?
I know it’s complicated and hard, I just hope you take care of yourself and your child… my mom and dad had a similar thing, where they both tried their hardest, but Dad just put other people in front of her and us (his kids). It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to figure out how healthy, supportive relationships were supposed to work and how I didn’t have to be with partners who didn’t want me to be happy. Fiance wants nothing more than my success and happiness, which is very encouraging. My dad and a lot of ex’s just tore me down – not good / pretty / smart enough, which is discouraging. I didn’t realize it was wierd because I saw Mom get treated that way from Dad.
Sorry for the long post – would love an update with whatever you decide! (hug)
Post # 34
@alicewhite87: i had a walk date but didn’t tell him, it was the end of Jan 2014, he proposed new years day! age is a factor for me i just turned 31, and we’re together 3.5 years, living together 2.5, joint loans, joint dog etc etc, you get the picture, we were everything but married! i never showed him rings online or stuff like that but we did have about 3/4 proper discussions about where things were going, alot of the times i got emotional! he always promised that it was in the pipeline and after he proposed he told me i should have trusted him. its hard though for us, the guys may know exactly when its going to happen but the fear of the indefinite and unknown was hard for me to swallow.
Post # 36
I had a formal walk date that was put into place by our couples counselor that we both agreed upon. At the time we had been dating for six years, I was 35 and had turned down an extremely good job offer to move back to his city based on the mutual idea that we would be getting married. He hemmed and hawed for about a year, and finally our counselor helped us agree on a definite date. As the date got closer and closer I began to seriously freak out, but I was also certain I would leave him if there was no proposal. He proposed the day BEFORE the walk date, with no ring. Despite that, we have now been married since April (turned out he had a family ring which you can see in my posting history) and things couldn’t be better. That date was almost two years ago and I don’t in any way feel that our relationship is less valid or that he was pushed into things. He’s a grown man, he could make up his mind whether he wanted to marry me or not and he had plenty of time to decide that.
The entire proposal process puts women in a very difficult situation and it really does give men the power of deciding what is going to happen to our lives. I found it very frustrating and hard to handle. My husband is very very stubborn and is likely to refuse to do something just because someone else wants him to. Working with a counselor really helped us communicate better and helped him understand that his stubborness was only going to hurt both of us and it wasn’t making his life any better.
Post # 37
I never would have walked. Judge me for that if you will. I first brought up engagement to SO 4 years ago. He wasn’t ready; he said he wanted our financial situation to be better. His reason was consistent and logical (though I didn’t feel that way at first), and he never tried stalling tactics. After a few months of me being a bit nutty, I decided I was choosing to stay with or without marriage. I wanted to be with him rather than married to someone else. I didn’t tell him this; it was my own personal decision about what was most important to me and what I could accept. I honestly got over it. I wasn’t harboring resentment. I was able to let it all the nuttiness go.
I did not bring up engagement or marriage in any way after those conversations 4 years ago. I knew there was no point in a pressured proposal, and I accepted us as we were. I felt loved, and I knew he was committed. I gave myself permission to reevaluate my feelings in a few years, but I doubt I would have changed my mind. He ended up bringing it up on his own, and it’s wonderful to know that he is 100% for this and just as eager and ready as I was a few years back. In fact, I think I have a better and healthier perspective on it than I did back then.
When waiting bees talk about feeling powerless in their relationship, I always tell them they have the power of choice. Once you choose, you understand what that means. Sometimes they don’t want to marry you; sometimes they don’t want to marry anybody; sometimes they know they want you as their wife but aren’t ready for the big plunge. It’s up to every woman to discern her situation and choose what is most important to her.
Post # 38
@alicewhite87: I think you need to consider his feelings, getting married isn’t all about you. If you like the tradition of the man proposing, then you will just have to wait until he’s ready. I personally did not need the engagement and wedding to validate my relationship. I thoroughly enjoyed our wedding day, but mine and my husband’s relationship is no different to not being married. I’m just as committed to him now as I was before.
You asked for opnions, so I’m just going to say it, I think these “walk dates” are silly, especially if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man – and you must do because you want to marry him so badly. This makes me wonder if it’s more about the big day than it is about the marriage.
Post # 39
You sound like a very very wise woman!
Post # 40
I never pressured my fi. We had a long distance relatioship for 3 years before he came here to live with me. He proposed in 2012 after being together for 5 years [living together for 2 of those]. We discussed our future plans, and agreed that we’d love to get married, but I never pressured him, or even thought about leaving.
I wanted to be with him, married or not. I felt that if I badger him about marriage, when he was ready he would ask me on his own, and he did! It was beautiful and I loved knowing that I never pressured him at all, that he was doing it because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his days with me.
Post # 41
@alicewhite87: I didn’t have a walk date or give an ultimatum. I just said the same thing I said about moving in together. “Someday I will get tired of waiting. I don’t know when that day is, but when it comes it will be too late for you to change my mind.” and that’s the truth. We weren’t together long enough for me to be seriously thinking about walking. But I know me better than anyone. And I know that this is how I am.
He was sleeping at my house every night for months on end. All he did at his apartment was take a shower. So what was the point in paying rent over there? Because living together means something different. Ok. But then if we weren’t living together why did he sleep over every night like he lives here? I said “Either stop sleeping over every night or move in!” So he tried to stay home some nights, but it didn’t work cause he’d call me, text me and want to come see me anyway. So that’s when I said the thing about “Someday I will get tired of waiting…”
Same thing for getting married. We already lived together like man and wife. He kept saying we’re “Going to be together forever.” “I will never leave you.” “You’re my other half.” Ok. Prove it!
I guess some people might see it as me pushing him. But I didn’t. He was/is free at any time to take a step back and walk away. And I told him as much. He has no shackles, no chains and trust me, I cannot control any man. But I am no good as a waiting girlfriend. I’m really not. I’m a wife. I suck at casual dating and I am in no mood to waste time on something that is going nowhere (this mostly has to do with my being over 30 and divorced because I ain’t gettin’ any younger, thinner or prettier). Do something to keep me or let me be free. We’re getting married in 3 months.
Post # 42
I would have had to tell. It’s just my nature to be open & up front about things. I couldn’t keep something that big to myself.
Dh told me the other day I am the most open & honest person he’s ever known. Probably the most flattering thing he’s ever said to me.
That said, I think everyone is different & we all have to do what feels right. As long as your goal is not to manipulate the other person, you’ll do the right thing for you.
Post # 43
@This Time Round: This “Because in reality… WHEN a Man is in LOVE… truly in LOVE… they are extremely motivated to make things happen with his chosen woman…” I have to agree with you on.
Post # 44
@alicewhite87: A man should want to marry you, if the issue must be “forced” in some way then something is majorly wrong.
That being said, you guys have a baby together. Too late to “walk” which would put that child in a broken home with only a part time father!.. of course if you guys are fighting all the time than that may be better. ..
In many ways you are as “stuck” as he is!. Once there is a pregnancy/child, the child will always factor into any life decisions includng marriage. Thus even if he got down on one knee in the morning–you’d never really know if that would have occured without their being the obiligation of a child between you. Same as everyone else in that situation.
Post # 45
I also agree that this is something that can’t be forced BUT you also can give him a little motivation. After a baby…4 years..and living together for 2.5 years, he knows whether he wants to marry you or not. He just sounds like he is either lazy or needs a push…I would gently tell him how you feel and tell him that he has X amount of time to figure out what he wants and then leave and don’t look back. He is taking you for granted that you actually won’t leave him. It def does not sound like you should give up on him yet! I told my fiance when I wanted to have a ring by (I gave him a year) and he proposed 3 months later and now he is the one that wants the wedding sooner! Sometimes I think people just need a small push but I wouldn’t waste your time with angry threats or empty promises. Good luck!
Post # 46
Being pregnant, living with him, and waiting for a proposal sounds like a very stressful situation to be in! I don’t have experience nor much advice, but I would try talking to him and ask why he doesn’t feel ready and how to help him process any doubts or hesitations towards marriage. Best of luck to you!
Post # 47
To @jadlnc: Reply # 40… Great post !!
Obviously you and I are on the same page (also your comments in Reply # 42)
Something that I suspect comes with age / maturity…
IF you want me in your life… prove it / make it happen. Pure & simple.
Something that many a younger woman could learn from those of us that have been around the block a few times.
I don’t comprehend all this angst that comes with waiting around that I see so much of on WBee.
Tell the guy what it is you want… and then accept what he says or does. No riddles.
Part of the reason I guess that this time round I didn’t waste my time dating guys who didn’t know what it was they wanted long term… I cut to the chase early on. If a guy was wishy-washy and not to clearly state “I’d like to be married again in the future” then he wasn’t for me… because that is ULTIMATELY what I wanted.
Much easier to go one’s seperate ways / break things off BEFORE they get too intense when you know that clearly your goals & values are different upfront.