Post # 1
I am hoping that you can help me at least feel a little better about a situation that is literally stressing me out than planning the whole wedding. My parents are divorced and have been for years (21 to be exact) my mom playes a HUGE role in my life when my dad was very absent. The past 8 or 10 years my dad and I have become closer but my mom and I share a bond that does not compare. Ever since I was little, and I thought out how my wedding would be and one thing I was sure of was I wanted both my mom and dad to walk me down the aisle. Not thinking it was a big deal in the least bit (since it is all of 10 seconds) I mentioned it to my grandmother (dads mom) who had this look on her face right before asking “did you ask your dad?” Of course my reply was no, because i didnt think it was something that should have been asked. So taking her advice and asuring her there was no need I went ahead and asked my dad to go to lunch mainly to make my grandmother feel better seeing as how she didnt want any “surprises.” We get to lunch and have small talk and then I bring it up, you would have thought I asked him to cut off his right arm, appaled wouldnt even begin to describe it. He sat back and let the wrath unfold on me, saying how he would never walk down an aisle with my mother and went all the way back to divorce drama that happened when I was 5 (just a reminder 21 years ago) Then he proceded to say how it would not be fair to my stepmother and how bad it would hurt her feelings. Then he went on to say that he is doing me a favor by sitting on the same row as my mom. Before he stormed away he told me i need to pick who I want to walk me down the aisle and if it involves my mom he will not be participating.
I have to let all of you know that when my mom and dad are in a room together for other family functions alone meaning without my stepmom there they act like the best of friends, joking and laughing and there is certainly no animosity, queue stepmother in and my dad acts as if he loathes my mom and cant stand the site of her. This whole thing is driving me bananas, everyone keeps saying its your day do what you want but unfortunately what I want cant be done and someone will get hurt. I guess the worst part to all of this is that I already asked my mom not thinking it would be that big of a deal…so now I have to go back to my mom with a big “just kidding” how horrible, I know her feelings would be hurt, but knowing my mom she would put on a brave face for me. My dad also told me that if i do anything for my mom I better do something for my stepmom as her feelings would be hurt and she would feel unincluded. Let me go on to say that my stepmom isnt a bad person, I do love her she has been married to my dad for 10 years and has been a huge help with the wedding, however my mom is my mom and my best friend on top of that. Sometimes I wish I wasnt so concerned about other peoples feelings so this wouldnt eat me up, but I cant imagine hurting anyone especially my parents. Although fact of the matter is my dad really has hurt my feelings by the way he is behaving and not just letting me have this one thing, especially considering I have not asked him for one thing throughout this entire process (FI and I are paying for our wedding)
I guess this is such a sore sensitive subject with my family, I figured I could get the best advice from my fellow bees 🙂
Post # 3
I think you told you dad what you wanted and he made it clear what he wanted, but it’s not his day it’s yours. If it’s your mom who has been there for you then I would say let her walk you down alone and your dad can watch from a pew-his choice. I wouldn’t hurt your mom by unasking her. Your dad is being childish and petty and you should not punish your mom for that. 🙂
Post # 4
@blue_eyed_bride: I agree with PP, your father made his choice so you shouldn’t feel bad about walking with just your mother.
You can honor your father and step-mother in other ways, such as in the toast, programs, invitations, etc… Depending on your relationship with your step-mom you may want to just let her know what you are thinking and what your thoughts are. She may have ideas, and would probably appreciate your taking the time to talk to her about it and how she feels, and you may find she is not that worried about it. Seems your father is the worrier 🙂
Post # 5
@blue_eyed_bride: I was thinking more about this, and if you had your mother walk you down would it raise a lot of questions throughout the family at the wedding? Maybe this doesn’t matter to you, maybe it does. Just checking 🙂
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you’re being put through this. Your dad has made his choice- albeit a selfish and petty one- and now you have to make yours. Seems as though you know what the right thing to do is here. Honor your invitation to your mom, who is obviously the bigger person here. Your stepmother really doesn’t have anything to do with this, does she? Seems like your dad has moved on in other ways. Why the big hissy fit?
Post # 7
Maybe you can bring it up again later and see how he feels about it then. Remind him that both of them walking you down the aisle is always how you’ve imagined it. If doesn’t want to participate just to save appearances in front of his new wife, well then that’s a decision he will have to live with for the rest of his life. Don’t take this opportunity away from your mom, especially since you’ve already asked her, just because your dad wants to be a jerk about it.
Is there any way you would talk to your step-mom about it? Might she encourage him to do it? Btw, I don’t believe that your step-mom should have any kind of an equal role as your mother in the wedding.
Post # 8
im so sorry your dad is acting like this 🙁 i wish i knew an answer for you. my only suggestion would be to talk with your mother about walking down the aisle and see what she thinks. she may not want to step on your dad’s toes like that? so maybe its a nonissue?
i will say you dont need to do anything for any stepparent on your wedding day. if you choose to get her a corsage or something, good for you! but that isnt a requirement by any means.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Your father made his choices in life; 21 years ago, and now. You told him what you wanted, if he wants to be a part of that he will– if not, it’s his decision. I would walk with the person who is supporting you whole heartedly in this (your mom).
Post # 10
Take your mom. Your dad will regret this, but that’s his fault — NOT YOURS!
Post # 11
I would talk to your mom. Your relationship sounds completely stable. I would suggest if she offers to back down on this one, you surprise her with another honor — maybe you and Darling Husband stop and give her a bouquet of flowers on the way back up the aisle. I think it will show who was the classy, mature one in this situation!
ETA: I agree that your Dad is acting like a baby and put you in a terrible situation, but you need to decide if “10 seconds” (as you put it) is worth possibly losing the relationship growth you’ve made over the last 8-10 years.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry that your dad is putting you through this but I have to agree with the previous posters. I would invite both parents and if only 1 accepts then so be it. Especially since you’re already asked your mom I would ABSOLUTELY NOT unask her. And maybe your dad will come around and grow up. Otherwise you could give him (and even yoru step mom) a hug when you get to the end of the aisle.
Post # 13
Oh, and if you do go with your dad, I would make DAMN sure he says “Her mother and I” when your officiant asks who gives her away!
Post # 14
If he’s not willing to “give”, then maybe there’s another option?
A close friend of mine did this because she had her bio dad and stepdad to include. (She has more of a relationship with her stepdad.) So, her bio dad walked her the first half and her stepdad was standing, waiting at the half way mark. Her stepdad walked her down the rest of the aisle.
So, for you, maybe your dad can walk you down the first half of the aisle and your mom can walk you the rest of the way to your groom?
Post # 15
Thank you all for the kind encouraging words, you all have no idea how much it is appreciated. I have expressed feelings with my stepmother and she says “it is the dads role to walk the daughter down the aisle, and I shouldnt take that away from him” but who am I to take anything away from my mom.
@Jenlon- I have actually gave the “half and half” idea a thought but then my grandmother piped in and said how embarrasing that would be that everyone would know they cant put their differences aside for a few moments.
I spoke to my mom about it and she said that she would be more than willing to take a back seat and just let my dad walk me down the aisle, however I just dont feel right about it and it is driving me crazy. My grandmother suggested play a special song when she walks down the aisle to be seated or even do a mother daughter dance at the wedding, but in my opinion that just doesnt seem as special. Of all the stressors that go into planning a wedding you would not think my family would be the #1.
Post # 16
@blue_eyed_bride: That is soooo frustrating. I would not give in to your dad’s demands – he is the one being unfair and throwing a tantrum over nothing, don’t reward that behavior by letting him have his way. I would just tell him that regardless of the divorce drama, he and your mother are your biological parents, and that while you love your stepmom and will find some way to honor her, your wishes are for your parents who brought you into this world to walk you down the aisle/give you away, and that you think it’s really sad he and your stepmom cannot get over long past divorce drama for about the twenty seconds the walk would take so that you can have that important moment go the way you’ve always pictured it. And then I would tell him that if he decides to not participate that is his choice, which you’re sure you will be hurt by much more than your stepmom would be if he did participate, but that you’re not going to give into his demands take that moment away from your mother just because he has decided to be petty and have a fit about it.