Post # 1
Hi everyone, new here and I’d appreciate some feedback. I’m getting married in the fall and I’ve asked my grandpa to walk me down the aisle. My parents divorced when I was 13, and while I love my dad and saw him once every week or 2, it always felt awkward and visits were short – there were issues that got in the way of us being super close. My gramps, on the other hand, took over when my dad left and helped raise me, and did all the “dad stuff”. In addition, my grandma just died and my wedding will be hard for gramps without having her there. Having him walk me down the aisle just feels right to me.
I told my dad what I wanted, and he got hurt and upset. He said because I’m his only daughter, if he doesn’t get to give me away he’ll never get another chance. I told him I loved him and wanted him at the wedding, and that he could have a special role too – he’d be really good at giving a speech, which is absolutely true. He’s still disappointed, said he’d honour my wishes but hopes I’ll change my mind.
I have no intention of backing out of getting my gramps to walk me down. I don’t want both of them to either; it’s just a personal thing for me. I love my dad even if we’re not really close, but I believe I’m able to make this call and hope he’ll accept it and just give a speech if he wants to, or take on some other role.
Am I wrong here? Am I being mean to “deny” him this? I’m not trying to be, and I feel like he’s trying to guilt trip me into changing my mind. Your feedback is welcome. Thanks.
Post # 2
Ellbee: Do what feels right to you. I think it is wonderful that you and your grandfather, who have been through so much side by side, will be walking down the aisle. That sounds wonderful.
Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into anything.
Post # 3
Your decision sounds reasonable. There’s also the daddy-daughter dance that you can have your dad do. When the officiant askes who gives you away you could have your parents stand too and along with your grandpa say they give you away.
Post # 4
Ellbee: Go with what feels right for you. My Dad was similar and I’ve asked my Mom to walk me down the aisle because of the role she played in my life. I’m considering asking my Dad to stand with us when we get to the end and answer woth my Mom when the pastor asks who’s giving me away (i.e. “We do.”) but I’m Not sure yet. I think your reasoning sounds appropriate and your Dad will just need to be supportive of it/you. Walking with your gramps sounds super sweet 🙂
Post # 5
It’s a sad situation for you and your dad to be in. I don’t know anything about the divorce and the reasons etc… but what I do know is that divorce tends to be very difficult of men, because in most cases they are the ones that leave the family home and they become instant weekend parents. I know many fathers in that situation who are completley devestated that they are not able to see their children on a regular basis.
And now your dad will also miss the opportunity to walk his only daughter down the isle. I do think this is a sad situation especially since you say you love your father, it is obviously a difficult situation for you to be in as well as your dad. If I was in your situation I would ask both my father and grandfather to walk me down the isle. But that’s just me, obviously you have to go with what you want but I do feel terrible for your dad.
Post # 6
I think you are making the right decision. It sounds like a guilt trip to me too. It might your dad’s “only chance” but (hopefully) this is your Only Wedding. This day is yours and your future spouse’s, not your dad’s.
Post # 7
Thank you all for the feedback so far. Please feel free to continue offering it!
@Astra: nope, I won’t let anyone guilt trip me. My gramps and I have been through a lot, most recently being at grandma’s bedside when she died. She really wanted to be at the wedding and him walking me down the aisle would make me feel kinda like she was being represented there too. They were married 65 years. That’s an incredible legacy.
@Curly: you’re right, there are other ways to include my dad for sure. I’ll look into them once I get the details of the ceremony down. We aren’t having a pastor/priest do it so there may/may not be a “giving away” thing, but I’m sure I can arrange a dance!
@Thursday: thanks for understanding. I hope your wedding goes wonderfully. 🙂
@Huysuz: thanks for offering an honest perspective. I’m sure when I was younger my dad missed living with me to a degree, but then again he always did his own thing and saw me just when it was convenient for him. I won’t get into personal examples here, but lets just say that he’s his own best friend – it’s all about him and he’s his own favourite subject.
Like I said, I love him because he’s my dad. I’m also sure that he doesn’t know any of my friend’s names, most of my interests, my beliefs etc. Any time I tried sharing with him he switched the subject back to him, lol. That aside, I feel bad for him too. I care about his feelings and want him to be part of my wedding. Just a different part. 🙂
Post # 8
Ellbee: I was in the same boat as you! I wanted to my uncle [Papa Mike] to walk me down but, unfortunately he passed away. My biological father has always been in and out of jail. I’m his only daughter however; he never raised me. I’m having my aunt walk me down because I asked her but, I’m also having my biological father walk me down too. One on each side of me. He wasn’t really there for me and I’m only letting him because he helped create me lol if it wasn’t for him or my bio-mom, I wouldn’t be around. He knows how I feel about him and because of it, he’s trying to be there.
Post # 9
Ellbee: do what feels right to you but just was a warning, be ready for this to possibly change your relationship with him. Is there a way you’d like both of them to walk you?
My cousin was the first grandchild to get married on my moms side and my blood uncle was her father…. she chose to have her mom walk her (her stepdad had passed away and if he was alive she would have wanted him) and it basically tore our family apart….all my aunts/uncles took it as this huge insult and me, my other cousin were BM’s…. we…and my mother were the only family who attended her wedding…and the kicker is she lives in the U.S and her DH is from ireland and she planned her wedding for “back home” because it was always her dream….she got married in a church 1 block from her fathers house. It turned really bad and only now after 5 years and shes having children are people coming around to not being mad at her anymore. Its tragic because its probably the only wedding my grandmother will be alive to have seen (I got married on the other side of the country and no one else is close).
If your close to your grandpa theres nothing wrong with your choice, but seriously think about the future relationship you hope to have with your dad…. and if you’ll regret not having him help walk you.
Post # 10
I don’t have any advice really, just wanted to say that I’m in a similar situation with my dad and it’s really hard to know what to do. It sounds like your gramps would appreciate the moment far more than your dad if you guys are close, especially with his recent loss. Don’t be guilted into doing something that isn’t right with you and good luck 🙂