Post # 1
I hate this time of year. Christmas and all of the associated cheer is over. Even though I knew no proposal was coming, now I KNOW, you know?
My best friend of 17 years just got married, and two more friends from high school are engaged. I had a bad time this time last year. I can already feel the anxiety, pressure, and anger coming back. On top of all of these engagement related anxieties, I have applied to teachers college and wont hear back until April. SO amd I have been together for 3 years (simce his first year of University) and we are both graduating in April, so everyone thinks we’ve been together for 4.
To top it all off, on facebook my mom was heckling my SO about getting his grad photos done, and a friend of mine thought it was supposed to be as a present to me or something, so he said “grad photos? I think an engagement ring would be more appropriate: its been 4 years!!” — no one has commented back, including my mom, my so, myself, or so’s cousin because I think we all get how awkward it is.
Its just sad for me that everyone is rooting for us but SO isn’t ready. He has a lot of stuff he wants to accomplish and I am on board, 95% of the time. The other 5% I wanna lay in bed and watch breakup movies and eat ice cream. Lol I just wish we were on the same page. At least we’re in the same book?
Post # 3
I would like to add that I am feeling particularly jilted (sp?) because of the fact that I *supposedly* made the right decision in going to University, but I am pretty much the only one who is not engaged or married or having children. I am not saying that’s the only thing I want to do with my life: obviously I want a career.
But it is difficult for me being one of my only friends to go through school, and be 22 and feel like my life hasn’t changed one bit since grade school (afterall, I am still basically just a student) and they have careers and families, not the careers I’d want, either, but it’s hard. This probably doesn’t make any sense… I am not ungrateful. I am happy I went to Uni. But there’s this sort of… dissatisfaction with delayed gratification. I am a very impatient person, sometimes I feel like I have wasted the last 5 years of my life since high school (I graduated high school at 17 because I have an early birthday) with my nose in a book.
I want to be engaged, but moreso married, and I want to be a mom. I’d wanted that part of my life somewhere around 25, but I feel like it will be happening much closer to 30, and that’s hard to adjust to for me. I am very much a ‘plan everything ahead of time’ person…
Any suggestions on how I can try to stop obsessing? (Yes I’ve already read Mr. Bee’s post)
One last thing: Can anyone explain to me why I am so happy for all of you when you get engaged, and married, etc. but I can’t muster up the same excitement for the people I know irl? Does anyone else experience this?
Post # 4
@peachykeener: I know how you feel. But just keep in mind that your friends are probably looking at you and what your accomplishing and wishing that they did the same thing! Getting an education makes a huge difference in your long term happiness and you won’t regret it or that you had to wait a little longer to get engaged in the end. I do totally know what you mean about having a hard time being happy for everyone around you. Every one around me is either pregnant or just had a baby and even though I’m not even engaged yet, I feel sad sometimes because I can’t wait to experience having my first child.
What’s important though is to do it in the order that is right for you. One of the girls who just had her baby is going to be a single mom and she is already struggling financially. I would not want to be in her shoes. When the big day finally does come you will be so happy you did things the way that was right for you and your SO.
Btw, a friend of mine waited 11 years for a proposal!! They started dating in high school and went through college, graduate school, and established their careers before getting engaged. It was a really long wait for her but now it’s pretty much stress free for them because they are in the right place in their lives with money saved.
Post # 5
@NightOwl27: Thanks for the anecdote! You’re right, it’s not like I’ve been waiting 11 years, and SO and I are happy, most of the time. It’s just hard in so many little ways that are so hard. Like… I’ll think it’s about 1 thing, and then suddenly I’m upset for a completely differen’t reason. I wrote those posts an hour ago, and the reasons I list in there are so true… But then I start to think about how my only surviving grandparents are in their 90s (and I’ve always imagined them at my wedding, and they probably wont get to be there, and that makes me REALLY upset) and then I think about the fact that my dad is 61, and will likely be 65 before he has a grandchild. And then I start whipping out the calculator and doing math, because people are getting married later and later now; meaning my dad wont get to see his grandkids get married either, and my kids wont have their grandparents at their wedding, and somehow that hurts MORE than my grandparents not being able to be at my wedding…
So… rationally, I’m right there with you, waiting really isn’t that bad, and I love my SO, and I am willing to wait… But every time my brain opens up the “I want to be engaged now, and here’s why” can of worms, I can’t take it 🙁
Post # 6
@peachykeener: I’m sorry you feel that way – it’s completely natural. A friend of mine married her college sweetheart a year after we all graduated, they went to grad school, started a family and started their careers and now they’re expecting #2.
I didn’t meet my Fiance until I was 29, already established in my career, had dropped out of grad school, etc. And you know what? She complains to me all the time about how tough it is – childcare costs, housing costs, not having a career because she’s a Stay-At-Home Mom – and how she wishes she has my life. Cliche, but the grass is always greener on the other side. I missed out on growing up with my Fiance, but what can you do?
Statistically speaking, if you go to college, you’re likely to get married in your mid-20’s, and if you go to grad school, you’re likely to get married in your late 20’s…and later if you’re on the coasts.
You’re doing great – you’re ahead of the curve with getting your degree, you have a wonderful person to share your life with, AND you both have priorities you want, not priorities that society has imposed. Focus on your career, your hobbies and doing things that will be tougher with kids. You don’t give up your life for kids, per se, but things change.
Have some epic adventures, appease your curiosity and collect stories to tell your darling children so they get the sense that they can live their dreams and that anything is possible. You’ll have your family before you know it 😉
Post # 7
@bitsybee: You’re really sweet. Thank you for that! You’re totally right, the grass will always be greener. I’ll have to try to keep that in mind more often.
Post # 8
I soooo understand how you feel! My best friend is getting married soon. She hates planning weddings so I’m constantly helping out(which I love because I get a lot of joy out of helping people) but its bittersweet knowing my SO isn’t in the same place as her fiance and all the crap of how we’ve been together longer than them ect seeps into my brain. I AM so happy and excited for her. But at the same time I can’t talk to her about my situation because I would never want to make her feel guilty for being happy. So its put a little space between us which will hopefully subside a little after the wedding.
I’m still in school too and worrking as well. I feel very similar, watching others get married and graduate and get jobs. The children thing doesn’t get to me as much though as I know I’m not ready for that yet myself. But its hard watching everyone else seem to walk or run forwards when you feel like you’re standing still.
I’m not 100% okay with waiting yet. I wanted to walk on my SO due to my past romantic history which makes me over protective of my wants sometimes. But my SO gave me a timeline and we agreed it was our compromise to work together on the relationship. A timeline helped relieve a lot of the tension between the two of us. As far as the rest of the stress of not being engaged/married, I just do thongs I know I won’t be able to when married. I splurge on a gift to myself without consulting anyone, I stay out all night with friends when I feel like it. I enjoy sexy/fun dates with my SO with no pressure of wedding finances over our head and pinching every penny. Things change a lot for the good and the difficult when you get engaged so I’m focusing on relishing what I’ll lose when that happens.
Post # 10
@southsun: That’s a great idea haha. I kinda want to buy myself a present now. I’m glad that you and your SO have open lines of communication. My SO and I do too, it’s just sad because sometimes I wonder why I bring the conversation up at all, it’s not as if I expect to convince him halfway through, and for him to randomly just say “okay, let’s do it! Let’s get married” lol. Oh the brain and the silly things it does to us!
I feel you on the best friend’s wedding thing too. My BFF just got married a week and a half ago.
Post # 11
@peachykeener: I don’t really have any advice for you I’m afraid, waiting is hard, especially when others around you are getting engaged and you know it’s because your life is taking a “long way” round journey!
But in answer to your question – yes I am generally happier for Bees, but I think that’s because generally speaking I know we are all/ have all been waiting for a long time… and it’s tough. Whereas IRL my friends don’t talk about the waiting (maybe because they’re not feeling it, have had to wait less, I don’t know) so maybe that makes me feel like they had it easier than all us here? …. Additionally FB announcements make me green. But that’s a whole different story!
Post # 12
@peachykeener: Have you thought about making new friends that are in the same situation as you? I agree it is hard to watch your friends move forward but perhaps hanging out with people that are waiting for similar legitimate reasons will make the wait more bearable.
Post # 13
@sugar_biscuit: It’s not that I don’t have friends that are in school… It’s that I’m dreading April (when we all graduate) and the inevitable proposals come for them. I’m fairly certain 2 of my school friends will be engaged by next Christmas. It’s not like it’s a constant struggle. But when thinking of it from time to time, it makes me green, like
Post # 14
I can imagine how it could feel worse for people who are single and using Facebook. They would see so many people in long term relationships, marriages, having kids, etc. and possibly feel so far away from that “perfection”. I just use single people as an example. Anyone can feel that sense of discord as long as they’re comparing themselves to others.