(Closed) Walking on Eggshells…an attempted suicide. (LONG)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Alexandria_Lyn:  Perhaps I am lacking some perspective here but I find it disgusting how the doctor treated you both. I also think it’s deplorable that you can’t find appropriate mental health support without compromising your jobs. Something has got to be done in this country asap, before these random acts of violence (on self as well as others) escalate.

Post # 20
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your mom is right.  Honestly, where is this guys family & parents?  They should be with him at this time.

Post # 21
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Mental illness is not an easy thing to deal with.  My own Fiance has bipolar II disorder.  I knew it before I dated him.  He was very up front about the symptoms he had experianced in the past and the medication he was on and had been on.  We’ve been together for four years and his is well controlled but the up swings and down swings are something you just learn to deal with.  Just like he deals with my own mood swings (related to other things).

My own parents, even my mother who has bipolar I disorder, did not want me to date him because of his mental health issues.  But now they think that we make a great pair.  I would never tell someone to avoid someone with a mental illness, but I would tell you to learn everything you can about the disorder and then how that affects him as every person is different.  Whether or not you feel that you can deal with it is a personal choice that you have to make.  The disorder is a part of him (it isn’t him though) but it’s the monster that will flare it’s head up.  

Ensuring that he is compliant with medication (which it takes forever to find the right one!) and therapy is very important.  This can minimize the symptoms making him have a better life–and therefore you as well.

Post # 22
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Alexandria_Lyn:  That doesn’t sounds silly AT ALL, I think it’s a great idea. I have had relationships with people who were suicidal. I have cried buckets of tears and suffered panic attacks just from the stress of it. You have to suffer through those stages of trial and error (I tried to be perfect, I tried to not trigger him, I tried to make his life wonderful, tell him he was loved) but you don’t have to do it alone! It’s so hard to have someone to talk about it with because you don’t want your family or friends to judge him, or you for staying with him. I remember feeling very alone and eventually I began to feel dead inside myself. 

Post # 23
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Alexandria_Lyn:  You’re 21 and bipolar is a huge lifelong illness that he will never be cured of.  It can be controlled with medication, however, part of the illness includes them deciding they no longer need the medicine so they stop taking it and have an episode.  It happens over and over and over.

Do you want to have children?  If so, they could also be bipolar.  You need to seriously consider what you see as your future with this guy because it’s going to be years of cycles of wellness and illness.  Again, he will never be cured.

When I was 20 I was engaged to a guy that threatened to kill himself if I ever left him.  I was afraid of him and didn’t want that on my conscience.  However, somehow I finally gathered the strength to leave him and guess what, he didn’t kill himself.  It’s been almost 10 years and he is still living his life in another city.  I realized I didn’t want to live with someone else’s mental illness and I really didn’t want to have children with someone like that.  Could you imagine if he’s caring for your child and suddenly has an episode and hurts hmself in front of your child?  Child services could come and take your child away from you to protect your child from your husband.

I’m sorry but I have lived with bipolar people and in all honesty I can only recommend that you leave him.  Pack your stuff and leave next time he is out of the house.  Do not answer your phone or Facebook; have zero contact with him because he will try to manipulate you to come back to him.  You do not owe him anything because you are not yet married to him.  Get out now while you still can because I can promise you now, he will stop taking his meds again and he will have another episode because it’s part of the illness.

Post # 24
Member
2193 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m really sorry to read that you are going through this. My uncle has bipolar and the times when he is depressed and angry is quite frightening. Just make sure you stay safe and whatever happens….nothing is ever your fault. 

Remain strong. 

Post # 25
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Alexandria_Lyn

I just wanted to say that you and your fiance are in my thoughts.  With that said, I think your idea to reach out to others who are struggling with this is a wonderful idea.  You might not have the person who is trained in behavioral health but, you have people who know exactly what it is like to have someone with the issues you and fiance face, you can lean on each other and get the support you need to face this.  Open it to anyone that feels that they could use the support, like you said it’s not just spouses that face these issues.  Try a Craigslist ad saying you are looking to start a support group and meet at a quiet park or restuarant, you may be surprised at the amount of people who are looking for the same comfort and support as you.

Post # 26
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I don’t really have any advice, but I just want to say HUGS and I can kind of relate.  My Fiance, who I’ve been with for over 10 years, was recently diagnosed with BPD II as well.  He’s had some periods of depression before, but this year he went through many months of horrible dark depression with suicidal thoughts and everything.  Sobbing in my arms, unable to function, etc.  It is so heart-breaking and horrible.  He’s doing better now, thank god.

This is hard on them of course, but it’s also hard on us!  Even finding an online support group (on a mental health website, etc) can really help you through this.  Also, I go with my guy to some of his therapy appointments – it helps me better understand, and it helps him feel like we’re a team in this together rather than an uphill battle he has to fight alone.

And you do have to do some hard thinking about whether this is something you can deal with for life, whether he will be willing/able to be a father, etc etc.  No one could blame you for walking away, especially since you are so young and haven’t been together for very long.

Hugs  xoxoxo

Post # 27
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@beachbride1216:  +1.

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@Alexandria_Lyn:  No one can tell you what to do, because no one is living your life or knows how you feel. All that I ask is that you consider you and not just your Fiance. I think it is amazing that you want to stand by him, but just make sure that isn’t for pity, and that you are prepared to live a life with him AND mental illness. 

I’m not going to say, “oh, you’re so young” because people mature at different ages and I am not going to judge a situation that I’m not in. What I will say is that the rest of your life is a LONG time (I’m older than you, and the rest of my life is a long time too!) and you have to be prepared to “deal with” this situation for another 50+ years. Adding kids to the mix won’t make it any easier. 

The rest of your life is a long time to be unhappy. Make sure that you make the best decision for you both, not just him.

Post # 28
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Alexandria_Lyn:  I am so sorry to read all this. I am sending massive love and light your way. Strangely enough, reading through the first part of your post I recognised the symptoms of bipolar disorder, my good friend has it too. Worst that has happened: she phones me 12am to say she is staying at a hotel, that she is going to kill herself and I must please fetch her pony and trailer him to the farm where I keep my horses. Then she hung up and wouldn’t answer me for the rest of the night. She has tried to kill herself before, and would have succeeded had she not been found. So I feel ya lady.

 

On to practical advice – meds for these disorders can take up to two weeks to have any impact on the patient. So prepare yourself.

 

Second of all, it’s harrowing but he is having a hard time. I can tell. Those episodes of being giddy and then being down are manic episodes, they take a toll on him. He sounds like he is battling big time.

 

Third, promise me you will NEVER go back to that mental health facility again. That person who ‘helped’ you by ridiculing your efforts and imprisoning your Fiance without the aid of his usual doctor or a second opinion is a complete and utter rabid bitch. I’d lodge a complaint. Or twenty.

 

Finally, don’t stop taking care of yourself. You need help too and you know it. Invest in yourself.

 

Good luck, believe it or not – you are doing a sterling job. x

Post # 29
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Alexandria_Lyn:  I’m sorry but I think your Mom is right and I’d give the same advice to my child. He doesn’t have himself in control, at all it seems. There’s a reason there is a saying that you need to be able to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. Trying to be with someone who is so out of control seems like a recipe for disaster and you are SO young. If it’s meant to be it will be, but I don’t see why you should have to drag yourself down along with him. Let him get the help he needs, let him figure his issues out, let him be his own “rock”. That is A LOT to put on someone as young as you who hasn’t been in the relationship all that long. 

Post # 30
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Alexandria_Lyn:  I’m really sorry for you and your Fiance.  I don’t think metal illness is handled well in the US, it is hardly “handled” at all.  I don’t want to say leave him, but then again I kinda do.  In your follow up post you say “when he’s back on track.”  I’m thinking there is no back on track, with Bi-polar.  It is always off the track. 

I do think there are various degrees of Bi-polar and have met people with it that seem to function much better than others with it.  So I really think it is a very case by case disease. 

You say he is divorced.  Do you know the story of that? 

I hate to be such a pessimist but my bro has it and has been treated since HS, he’s in his 30s now and is no better off then he was at the begining.  I have known a few other people who were in relationships with bi-polar.  They either ended in divorce or sucessful suicide. There is also physical violence involved…

living with my bro I know I could never do it.  You’re way better than I.  I do wish you all the best, and would wish nothing more than stability for you two.

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