(Closed) Walking on Eggshells…an attempted suicide. (LONG)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with your mother. Don’t feel selfish or guilty. It is wise to think about what your life in the future as a married couple will be like. It’s your life and your future, too. Postponing the wedding was the wisest decision, IMO.

Best wishes to both of you. I hope he recovers fully.

P.S. If the doctors didn’t answer any of your questions and made sarcastic remarks in front of both of you, that is extremely unprofessional and unhelpful. Hopefully those aren’t the doctors he will be seeing long term.

Post # 48
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Just read your story, and I’m so moved. What an ordeal you’ve been through. Sending a virtual hug your way. Suddenly my problems seem so small.

Post # 49
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Alexandria_Lyn:  I wish I could give you hug and tell you what a good partner you have been/are being. Living with someone who is mentally ill is extremely difficult. My mother was schizophrenic. I have issues with depression and anxiety. Living in your own skin is hard enough with mental illness but living with someone else with it is very difficult, as well.

I think you should spend some time reflecting upon what you really want. Things won’t always be as hard as they are right now for him but they may not ever be stable on a long-term basis either. Do you want to live your life with him like this? I would spend some time thinking about whether you can live like this without it affecting you mentally, as well. You can’t lose yourself over this. Are there others in his family that can help him? I would at least be supportative long enough to see that he receives the care he needs should you decide not to stay in this relationship. If you do decide to stay in this relationship, I would seek counseling for myself on how to deal with the challenges it brings.

Post # 50
Member
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@CaliRorter:  +1 I totally agree. 

Post # 51
Member
9830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am so sorry, I echo all PPs, you need support and help just as much as he does. Bipolar Disorder is a burden on the loved ones as well as those suffering it. Is there a free clinic or something near you that offers counselling or therapy? That might help, as well as support groups. Also, do both your workplaces know the situation? If they do they should be more understanding of time off. Also, if he ever has a suicide attempt again, I strongly encourage you to take him to the emergency room immediately.

I am on the other side of the coin, so to speak, as I have Bipolar disorder. Was diagnosed with major depression a year ago, but two months ago was diagnosed with Bipolar. The extreme highs following the lows you are talking about, very very common for bipolar, even for those who haven’t had such rapid swings before. And the medications are a PITA, I am still struggling to find the right balance of meds, and they can cause side effects of the kind you describe. Perhaps ask him what medications he is on, and do some research on what side effects you should look out for.

You are very strong, and unlike some PPs, I encourage you to STAY. You said yes to forever with him, that includes supporting him through this illness. And yes there is a risk of your children having bipolar, but it is up to you and your Fiance whether that is a risk you are willing to take. If people were encouraging Fiance to reconsider staying with me because of my illness, like some bees are suggesting to you, I would feel really really upset. This is something that he CAN’T control, I am sure he would be ‘normal’ if he could. Please stay, but get help for both of you!

Post # 52
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

*hugs*

I’m sorry you’ve been going through this. My Fiance also has a mental illness (anxiety disorder) but hasn’t attempted suicide, although he has mentioned occasionally that he considers just walking into traffic to see what would happen.

I have depression, generalised anxiety disorder and OCD and I’ve attempted suicide twice before meeting Fiance, so the only advice I can give you is things that work well for me.

When he talks to you about it, don’t panic that you don’t have the ‘right’ answer or a solution to his problems. He won’t expect you to do anything but listen. I’ve had arguments about this with Fiance because he seemed really uncomfortable listening to me talk about my feelings because he seemed to want me to stop talking, which he said was because he felt bad for not having an ‘answer’. I was like, if there was a correct answer to get over depression, I’d probably have worked it out by now.

Consider your own needs too. Don’t feel bad if it’s sometimes just too much for you to handle. You are not his psychologist, you do not have to handle this alone and he should be receiving professional medical assistance. You could also talk to a counsellor too.

If he stops his medication, tell someone immediately. I’m pretty good about staying on my medication because I know it works, but sometimes people with bipolar, schizophrenia or psychosis will think they are ‘cured’ and go off the meds, not realising it’s the medication that’s making them feel better.

Most importantly, if it gets too difficult for you and you make the decision to leave, don’t blame yourself or think you’re a bad person. I was single during the worst periods of my depression and I know that nobody could have put up with me during that time. Fiance and I manage to live with each other’s mental illness due to the fact that we’re both receiving treatment, but if either one of us started talking suicide, I think it would put an unbelievable strain on our relationship.

Post # 53
Member
804 posts
Busy bee

I am so sorry to hear you’re going through this. You are actually amazing for having the ability to deal with all of this so maturely and with such strength. Your fiance’s treatment sounds absolutely horriffic – are there any other centers you can use? I don’t know how you’ve managed it – I know two people who are bipolar and I wouldn’t cope nearly as well as you you. I should also point out that neither have ever expressed any inclination to hurt anyone other than themselves (not that that’s good either – but you know what I mean).

The first is married, and her husband has done a phenomenal job of doing what he needs to do but it’s a lot to take on (he’s also managed it when they’ve had young children etc). She is very good about taking her medication, which is very important, the medication makes a big difference (her episodes have been when she’s been taken off them by the doctor), but has never felt suicidal. When low she said she understood why people wanted to, but has never wanted to herself.

The second is a grad student and she only very very recently (like 2 months ago) accepted she’s bipolar after a very bad manic and then depressive episode. She tried to commit suicide in the peak of her mania (like your fiance, mostly superficial cuts) and was taken to the ER but discharged and became very, very depressed. She also said she basically couldn’t remember the cutting, it’s like she was in a daze. She’s living with 3 other people and they essentially became her carers which was hard for them. It was sorta the wakeup call for her and she’s been SO good now with living by a timetable routine and religiously taking her meds (also easier on her housemates!). She still wobbles and sometimes feels a bit funny/in her head/down, but she is about a million times more stable than before. She was worried that taking the meds would make her feel nothing but now she feels more like they’ve just eliminated the extreme highs and lows. It’s early days for her, but better days than before for sure.

Sorry for the rambling – I just wanted to point out that it can be managed (obviously cases vary, but just in my experience), but it’s definitely not an easy task. In my experience, taking the medication has been the best way to manage the symptoms but of course situations differ for everyone. Do you think your fiance can do this? (Once he’s got the right meds of course if lithium is causing hallucinations).

It’s so much to take on, and as I said before, I am genuinely in awe of you. While you’re doing an amazing thing though, you also need to look after yourself. You absolutely shouldn’t feel selfish – you’re doing the most unselfish thing in the world right now! Selfishness is very different to self preservation.

If it were me, I would really really struggle to stay with Paul, but of course you love him and you don’t want to feel like you’re abandoning him. I guess you also have to evaluate whether, somewhere along the line, this will ever cause you to feel resentment? If there are no good groups in your area, I would also suggest the internet – look at how much support you’ve got on a random wedding website! I’m sure a targeted site would be even better.

Best of luck – don’t forget to think of yourself!

Post # 55
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Thanks for the update! I hope everything works out well for both of you. There are some awesome bees on here feel free to come back here anytime for much love and support.

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