- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
Oh Lord. I’m so embarassed now.
Oh Lord. I’m so embarassed now.
I would consider going ahead with the move, but this is my issue with cohabitation before marriage. Now, I’m not knocking it bc I live with my Fiance BUT my standards and expectations will not change when we get married. How can you have one set of expectations and then completely change them once you are married? #1-It’s not going to work. You took on the role of maid and mommy and it will not be easily shed. #2 If he has any inkling that you will change the arrangement once you are married, can you blame him for postponing? Just some thoughts.
I think continual communication is essential in every relationship, especially about huge, important things like marriage and committment. So, definitely keep talking.
Honestly i’d move out, though. But don’t do that without making sure he is crystal clear on why you are doing that.
I’ve “only” been married twice before, as well as lived with two other sig others. IMO, men often do less after marriage as versus more. One of the things I like best about FH – he does know how to cook and take care of himself as he lived for years on his own. He knows better to expect me to do all that household crap. In fact he is hosting a small poker game party tomorrow and he is making the barbecue tonight, as well as cleaning up the area for the party. I think he has two loads of laundry going now.
If a woman WANTS to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc., well that’s one thing. But for the life of me I will never understand WHY people think just because a woman is born with an uterus that it somehow makes her uniquely qualified for upkeep of the home. A wife should be more than a Housekeeper/Mommy subsitute that a man can f*ck.
I also agree. If you move out, you may as well just break up. Moving out is the equivalent of “taking a break” and basically moving backwards. If he’s planning on proposing within the year, well, he will and you’re just going to end up wasting time and money moving back in with him again. If he’s not planning on proposing anytime soon, then it doesn’t make sense to date him period. Moving out just so he can propose seems to be forcing his hand the same way giving an “ultimatum” (not a walk date) is.
Many women believe moving in is a step towards marriage, but it’s not. For a guy set on marrying, he’ll propose whether or not you live together before marriage, however if a guy is not set on marrying you, living together to him just means paying only 1/2 the rent and utilities as before, gaining a part-time housekeeper and easy access to sex.
You had a good reason to set the move out date in the first place. I think you should follow through.
You’ve given him a very clear list of what he needs to do to stay in a relationship with you. If he doesn’t propose, he very likely never will!
So stay strong, and walk on your walking date!
I would just echo the advice from other Bees here that you cannot expect a man to change once you’re married. I have seen this expectation fail time and time again with close friends of mine. “He’ll stop his “bad/annoying/abusive behavior” once we’re married” – No they don’t and often in more than one case – constantly the men let their wives know that she’s stupid for expecting him to change after the wedding!
I would like to add, OP – I saw that some PPs said that if your guy doesn’t help out now, then he never will. I think it’s a little bit more complex than that. A guy CAN change. However, he has to want to change HIMSELF. It has to come from within. If you are key to your SO’s life, and he wants to keep you (I don’t mean to objectify you, but can’t come up with better term – please forgive me), he WILL change his ways or at the very least, make an effort to improve them. At the end of the day, you will see action. If he doesn’t care, you will just hear talk.
I think it’s time to start behaving like a single lady again – no more cooking and cleaning for the SO up through the time you move out. Go out and have fun with friends, go on solo dates, enjoy your own company, take the time to look for a place that you truly love. By giving your SO that distance, you will either inadvertently prompt him to shape up or at the very least, get your answer about the relationship and not spend any more time on it.
I would follow through and move out.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got before marrying DH was to “Begin as you mean to go on.” Ex: When H and I first started dating, I thought it would be nice to help him pack for his business trips, something sweet and nuturing I wanted to do as a gf. 6 years later, I now know I was an effing moron because I basically saddled my own self with an extra lifelong chore that I can’t seem to get out of.
It’s so difficult to change a pattern of behavior after it’s been going on for a long time, especially if it’s your SO you’re hoping to change. Men don’t suddenly morph into Mr. Helpful Housekeeper after the wedding day.
As for your walk out date, go through with it so he takes you seriously. But if he actually lets you go, I’d reevaluate if you two are on the same page as far as a pending proposal.
please don’t buy into the illusion that after he signs that piece of paper, everything magically gets better. that piece of paper AMPLIFIES EVERYTHING
I don’t necessarily think 2.5 years is long enough to really have a walk/move out date, but since you did set one and he knows, you should follow through. If you don’t move out and give it another year, then maybe he’ll think “oh yeah well next year she won’t move out either.”
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