(Closed) Wanking while I was asleep

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Wanking while wife is asleep

    Totally fine

    Totally disrespectful

    You're being too sensitive

    You are being too generous

  • Post # 17
    502 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think wanking in private is fine and healthy. I (personally) would draw the line when he is wanking over pictures of other women etc, but I know a lot of other women are ok with this too. He probably lied to you about it because he felt embarassed.

    Post # 18
    996 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    The fact is that the OP isn’t comfortable with it, natural or not. The problem is that her husband knows that she is uncomfortable with this yet her chose to do it anyways and lie to her about it. The OP didn’t say that she bans him from doing it or “shames” him. She has told him that she’d rather him not do it around her or at least not to make a big deal about it. I don’t think it matters why the OP doesn’t like the particular habit but why her husband is lying to her and not caring about how she feels.

    OP don’t let anyone make you feel stupid or “childish”. Everyone has their own opinions about what is ok and what isn’t in regards to sex..he shouldn’t be lying to you but perhaps sleeping in the guest room for a week isn’t a good idea. It will no doubt drive a huge wedge between the two of you. Instead give things a while to cool down and tell him the lying/sneaking around needs to stop or he is going to loose the trust you have for him. 

    Post # 19
    10355 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Yeah, sleeping in a different room and making him feel like an alienated freak isn’t going to make ANYTHING better, or make him less likely to lie to you in the future.

    Healthy communication is the only way to make this better, and you’re making it impossible.

    Post # 20
    9076 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I will be in the unpopular vote here, but I think you are being way, way, way too oversensitive. You’re going to sleep in a different room than your husband for a WEEK? For masturbating?

    .. Really?


    I am assuming we’re all adults here, and I figured that it was common knowledge that men masturbate. Do they masturbate because they’re unsatisfied? Sometimes. Do they masturbate purely for the sake of masturbation? Absolutely. Masturbation, in any relationship or situation, can be normal as long as it isn’t excessive. Just going to remind everyone that masturbation is a GOOD thing. It’s normal. It’s healthy. It’s what people do. It’s what men do.


    Masturbating does not mean he is unsatisfied with you. Sometimes men can’t orgasm, and that’s perfectly normal too. You tried, gave it the good ol’ college go, and it just wasn’t happening. It happens to the best of us. Maybe he got the desire and thought he could get off, and what’s wrong with that?

    I don’t think he was lying with you to lie, if that makes sense. He knows you dislike masturbation, and he needed to, so he tried to dissuade you from persuing him further. Boners only last so long, you know. He needed to get you to do something else so he could do his business. If he was honest with you, you’d flip out on him (I am purely assuming here, so feel free to correct me), and now that you know he was dishonest, you’re flipping out on him. You’ve put him in a corner and how do you expect him to react?

    Realistically, what do you want him to do? Ignore his penis exists except when its inside you? Do you ignore your vagina? Do you masturbate? What did you want him to do, wake you up? And if you couldn’t get in the mood, what then? Then everybody is frustrated and he would still be scolded for masturbation. Your husband can’t win in this situation because you won’t let him. It’s unfair to put anybody in a lose/lose situation. If he is honest with you, you’ll be angry. If he is dishonest with you, you’ll be angry. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

    My husband masturbates. I know he masturbates, and I have no issue with it. If he wants to masturbate to a pair of my panties or pictures of me he has, that’s fine. Everybody heeds the call of the wild. I masturbate, too, and that’s just the way it is. I’ve walked in on him masturbating in the shower. If that’s what he wants to do, fine. He’s had his dingaling a lot longer than I have. He owns it, he’s allowed to use it however he wants. Just because we got married does not mean I now control how he uses it. If he wants to have a go at it, where is my right to stop him?

    Ultimately, I think you just need to calm down and put things in perspective. He couldn’t get off during sex, and that’s normal.

    He wanted to masturbate and (potentially) get off. That’s normal.

    Sex is messy. Maybe he didn’t want to deal with it, and besides, men can rub one off a whole hell of a lot faster than they can get off with sex, at least from my experiences.

    Don’t put your husband in a situation where he can’t win and you are forcing him to feel guilty. You’re entitled to your feelings, but so is he. Life is short and pick your battles — is him playing with his penis really worth the battle?


    Edit: “I can pretend like I’m husbandless for a week and he can make his own goddam dinners and wash his own goddam work clothes.”

    Really? This is the most unhealthy thing I have ever read on this website.

    You want to be husbandless for a week. To me, that seems like burning down the house just because you find a spider — an atomic reaction to a smaller problem. I mean no insult, but is this how you’re going to react to everything he does that you disapprove of? Seclude yourself and pretend he doesn’t exist?

    I know everyone deals with issues in their own way, but this seems extreme. If this is how you cope with things, maybe you both need to see a marriage counselor. He masturbated. He didn’t sex up the neighbor.

    Post # 21
    1583 posts
    Bumble bee

    eeee harsh!

    Post # 24
    13 posts

    When I was younger (like, around age 20 — I’m in my 30s now) I caught my boyfriend of several years “taking care of himself” in the shower one morning when I got up earlier than he expected. He was pretty cool about it and asked me to come in and join him, but I was totally upset and never let him live it down. Looking back, I’ve always felt bad about it. I was pretty mean, and teased him so much afterward. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.

    He probably thinks about you, you know. I wouldn’t let it get to you. I realize that’s easier said than done — it took me ages to be cool with my SO doing that, but now I see that it really has absolutely nothing to do with him having the super-hots for me (which he does). Married or not, your guy is a sexual person, and his sexual impulses might not always match up to convenient times, or maybe he just wanted to take care of this without waking you up… Who knows. Making him feel bad about it will probably do more harm than good — you don’t want him to resent you, or lie to you. It would be better to accept him and let him know that you aren’t judging him for it. Really, all guys do this. All of them. I’ve never dated one that didn’t, so don’t take it personally. If you can accept him, maybe next time he’ll have the confidence to ask you to give him a hand (wink, wink) or turn it into something more. He’d probably really love it if he knew you accepted this part of him, which is not a rejection of you at all, and is just him being a guy. Feel better!

    Post # 25
    8482 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2014


    This entire thing just has me shaking my head in amazement.

    I’m just curious, do YOU orgasm everytime you have sex? If not, then how can you judge him for not coming?

    Do YOU never masturbate?

    How would you like it if he found out you had masturbated and he banished you to sleep in another room for a week?

    Post # 26
    649 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    You are being way too sensitive, and should probably seek some help, because it seems you may have some self esteem or control issues. I don’t think sleeping in another room for a week is a proper reaction at all..to a man masturbating.  They all do it, and so do most women!  It is a perfectly natural act!

    Post # 27
    160 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Wow I think you’re being really really harsh to your husband, he must feel terrible right now just for doing something totally healthy and normal. I think this is totally your issue not his, and you should be the one trying to make things right with him. Poor guy!

    Post # 30
    1462 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

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    @Hyperventilate:  +10000 TOTALLY AGREE

    Post # 31
    291 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    View original reply
    @subtlebee: Perfectly said. 

    View original reply
    @KellyLouise: IMO, you really need to work through why masturbation bothers you so much because you forbidding him to do it is really unhealthy. You are stigmatizing something that is natural and enjoyable for him, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the shame that he is feeling over masturbating were to start seeping into his sexytime with you, too. Masturbation is normal and healthy. How would you feel about him masturbating right in front of you? If you are not ok with that, I don’t think it’s fair of you to forbid him to leave the room to do it, and even if you are ok with that, I don’t think it’s fair of you to forbid it and frame it as though he did something wrong or bad. A better way of putting it would be “It makes me feel sad when you leave the room to masturbate. Why not try it with me right here?”

    Also, I think him taking your underwear is actually kinda sweet. I might recommend counseling to help unpack your feelings towards masturbation. Do you masturbate? Were you raised believing that it’s wrong? 

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