(Closed) Want to be a stay at home mom but husband not supportive- Update

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 31
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Had to come back and address the actual plan you two put into place. Here is the deal OP, if he isn’t happy in his current job and he wants to explore other options he should do that asap, now. The sooner he gets out of this job where he travels a ton the happier he will be, or maybe he will discover he doesn’t need a career change afterall. Either way a career change is going to take some time so you really should be having him do it now. 

Saving right now and doing a career change later doesn’t make much sense at all. If anything, while he is going through this job change he will need more support from you, he might need you to cover more of the bills from your job for a bit. If i were you i wouldn’t want to see him be going through that possible lower income stage while you are TTC. How would that make any sense? 

Start with making a plan for him to change his job now. If he is serious he has 1 year to change jobs, or start a new career. The sooner he does that, the sooner he can hopefully rise in this new career and get better pay. Then MAYBE by the time you TTC he will make enough money for it to be more reasonable for you to stay at home, and MAYBE because he is now in a job that makes him happier he won’t feel so resentful about it. 

Post # 32
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

mrsssb :  X 1,000,000

Marriage is a team sport. 

Post # 33
2291 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

OP, what are you doing to help your family prepare financially for a single income/career change transition down the road? Are you going to be looking for ways to earn additional income? Putting yourself on a strict budget to maximize savings? Selling off things you no longer need?


OP, you absolutely need to have another conversation with him about this. If he is quietly resenting you for ignoring his feelings because you want his sweet paycheck for another couple years, this is absolutely toxic to your marriage.

Post # 34
2073 posts
Buzzing bee

penny1403 :  this might single handedly be the worst piece of advice I have ever come across on this site.

Post # 35
9505 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sounds you just gave your husband some extra time to get his ducks in a row before he divorces you.

Being a working mom isn’t the end of the world. I sure as hell wouldn’t sacrifice my marriage to stay home, but you do you. I guarantee you if he’s not 110% on board that resentment will build to unsustainable levels eventually.

Post # 36
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

mistymist7 :  sorry, but you sound horrible. I would never treat my husband this way. You have zero concern for him and are willing to steamroll him to get whatever you want. That is not a partnership. 

I was convinced i wanted to be a Stay-At-Home Mom last year, but then i actaully became a mom. I love my LO more than anything, but I quickly learned being at Stay-At-Home Mom wasnt for me. It was nothing like I thought it was going to be. How are you so sure you want to be SAHM? I now work PT and its the best of both worlds for me. I get to remain in the workforce, earn money and also spend time with my LO. Until you have experienced motherhood, I wouldnt let this be the hill you die on yet.

Something to consider, losing your salary doesnt just affect you now by losing your monthly income, it also affects your retirement contributions, which also affects your future. 

Post # 37
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Agree with those saying he should change jobs quickly. The sooner he is in a career he likes, with you guys having an idea of what his new income looks like, the sooner you can actually make a plan. I still think you are being very inflexible and quite selfish about his needs – basically you told him to be unhappy for 2 more years and then give you what you want. Not exactly a compromise. 
Also agree that you should be taking all the steps possible to ensure you have enough for you to stay home. That isn’t his responsibility. Maybe you should consider a new career or add on part time for a couple years to pad your savings, then at least you would be appearing to do your part. Rather than putting everything on him (by making him stay at a job he dislikes just for the money, and then forcing him to be the sole earner which he has expressed discomfort with)

Post # 38
394 posts
Helper bee

mistymist7 :  I think you both should be looking for new jobs starting TODAY and putting TTC on hold until you get into a better place in your marriage and are both completely at peace with whatever you’ve decided the work arrangement will be once you have a child. Your husband should look for a position that he’d enjoy more and be less stressed by, and I think you should look for work from home/flexible type of employment that you could continue doing once you had your baby. I know lots of SAHMs who do this type of thing, myself included. I work during my child’s naps, and am thankful to be able to contribute to our salary without needing to pay for childcare. So why not look for something like that NOW, rather than just sitting there while your husband slaves away with his souless 100 hr a week job to afford for you to leave the work force? Your husband may see that as a better compromise than you unilaterally pulling a 180 and declaring you’re not going to work at all anymore once you have a child, leaving the entire burden of paying the bills on his shoulders.

Your husband agreed to your plan very begrudgingly from the sound of it — and I’m gonna be honest, I think you’d be a fool to proceed with this plan because it is a recipe for major resentment (on his part) down the line, and justifiably so given your total 180. You have a right to change your mind about things, but he’s equally entitled to be less than thrilled about that.

Post # 39
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

A far better compromise is for him to get situated with a new job NOW, for you to take on some additional work or budget better to save as much money as you can as quickly as you can, and revisit it once he’s settled in his new job and you have a nice nest egg saved. 

I empathize with you OP in that I’d love to take a couple of years off to raise babies. The thought of sending a tiny new baby to daycare for 9 hours a day makes me sad. But, at this point in time, my husband isn’t comfortable with it so I’ll make that compromise because I want kids with HIM, not with literally any interchangeable person with a penis who will shoulder the burden of breadwinner. 

Post # 40
8106 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

mistymist7 :  so what are you doing to be able to contribute to staying home in the future? Taking an extended maternity leave was really important to me so together we busted our butts to make more/save more so that we could forego my income for a few extra months. It sounds like you’re forcing him to stay in a job that’s burning him out so he can save up more for a career change when you quit work. 

Post # 41
439 posts
Helper bee

This isn’t a compromise at all. I hope that he now sees that OP really doesn’t care about him or his needs and well being at all and that he will get out of this marriage before she becomes pregnant. He deserves better than this.

Post # 42
439 posts
Helper bee

sf618b :  Hmmm I thought that the husband/father was a part of the family. Shouldn’t his needs and physical and mental well being matter? Or should he just be relegated to nothing more than a paycheck and sperm donor once the marriage certificate is signed? I can’t take anyone seriously who touts the importance of putting the whole family first when they clearly don’t care one bit about the well being of one of the members of the family.

Post # 43
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

One spouse being a stay at home parent is a 2 yeses 1 no situation. And your husband said no.

Post # 45
9964 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I love the advice to trick your husband with a pregnancy. Then maybe you can also be lucky enough to have two divorces under your belt and a string of waste of space boyfriends! It’s not all bad though, you’ll get to live next door to famous people. So that’s cool. 

Without taking that stellar advice you may only get the one divorce ☹️

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