(Closed) Want to be a stay at home mom but husband not supportive

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

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mistymist7 :  this is going to be a controversial post because there’s a lot of career driven women on here–and that’s wonderful!

I’ve been a stay at home mom for 11 years. I am a very intelligent, capable, hard working individual. I could get a job outside of our home and put our kids in after school and daycare.

That said, raising my babies and supporting my family has been the greatest joy and the greatest privilege, even on the hardest days, and I honestly could think of 0 other things that could possibly be as important as being there for them. My oldest is 10 1/2 and my youngest is 7 months. I thank my lucky stars my husband whole heartedly loves and supports my role in our family. He knows the value of a partner who is available for our children all the time (and for him). And our children are happy and emotionally healthy and thriving. I had brownies baking in the oven when my older.kids walked in the door from school and I’m glad I was there to ask them about their day and make sure homework got done and to cook dinner from scratch.

You and your husband are on very different pages and you need to put trying to conceive on hold until you can resolve this. If you want to raise your babies, and I commend you for that!, you need to make him understand why this is important to you.  Daycare is a necessary thing within our society, but I never wanted to outsource my children to another person or put them in a facility where they don’t get individualized attention, sleep on cots, and spend 10 hours under fluorescent lights. I don’t understand if you are comfortable financially why he would not want his wife bringing his kids up. Your priorities seem different. Trust me when I say you don’t want to be a stay at home parent unless your spouse 100% supports you, because you will never, ever be good enough if he does not. His expectations will be so high of you and he will resent you for “not working”. Good luck mama. I’m here if you want to talk.

 

Post # 107
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

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ladyvictoria :  I’m not saying that she had it planned, but she doesn’t seem to have thought it out much at all and frankly, seems very self-centered, so it has the same effect as a bait-and-switch. .

How can they compromise when they literally want the opposite thing. Hubby wants to work less and have OP bring in her share too, and OP wants Hubby to continue doing the exact same thing he is now while she quits work. Where is the possibility for compromise in this situation? (Unless you consider “compromise” to be hubby giving in to her wishes, which I feel would be the only compromise she would be happy about)

I’m sorry, but imo if OP doesn’t wish to cause issues within her marriage, I feel she needs to just suck it up and stick to the original agreement.

Post # 108
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

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sf618b :  Commendable on your part but don’t you think she’s already past that point?

It’s clear that hubby does not want her to be a stay at home parent and it’s also clear that she told him she did not want to be a stay at home parent. So I think it’s safe to say he does not support her and definetly will come to resent her (especially as he’s not going to be able to do what he would have career wise with her extra income).

Post # 109
Member
1264 posts
Bumble bee

I feel like the only compromise here is to put off TTC for a bit and save money while you husband figures out his future career plans. Then after a year or two, when you do have kids, go part time and your husband can continue to work towards his alternate career plans. 20 hours of daycare or grandparents babysitting is not gonna hurt your kid (neither would 40 hours but I digress).

Your husband deserves to work towards a better quality of life and he should not be forced to suffer because you refuse to compromise. A father’s presence is just as important as a mother’s and if he wants to travel less to see his kid more (or cause jet lag is taking its toll- whatever the reason is) he deserves the chance to do so. He needs your support in this. Consider going part time so that he isn’t financially stressed and further mentally strained. It’s not your fault for changing your mind but it’s also not fair to him for you to be so rigid.

That’s personally what I plan to do because I too do not want to spend so much time away from my future kids when they’re young. Not knocking anyone who does! We all have different lives and obligations and priorities! But yeah, I intend to work per diem when the time comes around and feel like that will give us some continued side income and maintain me a bit of independence that I personally need. However, this was something I discussed with my husband before marriage and he was always on board. 

Post # 110
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

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llevinso :  I agree with your points. I don’t think a woman should ever be a stay at home mother if it’s not her heart’s desire. It makes so many women miserable. Some of that is FOMO. You have to decide what will make you happy. My sister in law had one baby and shes a career woman and they go go Aruba several times a year as a family and they love their life. I am the polar opposite of that and that lifestyle would never make me happy. Its okay to have a great career and it’s okay to be a stay at home mom but what’s not okay is forcing yourself into a role that makes you miserable as a mother because shit rolls downhill and everyone else will suffer. 

Post # 111
Member
8261 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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sf618b :   I don’t understand if you are comfortable financially why he would not want his wife bringing his kids up.

Have you not read the thread? His career is taking a toll on his health and wellbeing. He wants to work a job where he travels less and is home more, but likely makes less money. A woman shouldn’t singularly get to decide to quit her job at the risk of her spouses health just because they can afford to do so. 

Post # 112
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

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jellybellynelly :  my husband just spent the last 2 years working 100 plus hour weeks for our family. Yes, I read the thread. 

My point is that WHO takes care of their kids is just as important as the husbands health and well being. They need to table TTC until they can come to an agreement. Her wishes and desires as a mother and her concerns for their future children is just as important as what he feels and wants. And also, for the record, he is making this entire thing about him,  when she is the one who is going to carry the baby and birth the baby, God forbid she wants to stay with her baby. They have to figure it out. 

Post # 113
Member
45 posts
Newbee

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sf618b :  maybe he wants to work less so he could spend time with the baby too? Dad involvement in child life is just as important as a mom. This idea that men have no role outside of being a sperm doner really bothers me. Also, it’s **their** baby, not her baby.

Post # 114
Member
8261 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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sf618b :  Wow. It sounds like you look at your husband more as an ATM than a partner, similar to OP. Forcing your partner to work 100h a week because you won’t even do 20 is pretty horrible IMO. But at least you had fresh brownies…

Post # 115
Member
6978 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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sf618b :  Yes but she’s putting her wants ahead of her husband’s at this point. As if her needs are the only ones that matter. She doesn’t seem to think his opinion or feelings are important and right now he is feeling overwhelmed and stressed with his job and this is precisely when she is trying to unilaterally decide she will be a Stay-At-Home Mom. That’s not okay. Plus, one of the main reasons he wants a job change is to be able to spend more time with any children they have.

 

Post # 116
Member
3145 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

He’s “accusing” you of doing a 180 because that’s *exactly what you’ve done*… 

You are coming off worse and worse with every update here, Bee. 

You decided unilaterally to change the agreement you made before he married you and now you’re pissed because he isn’t ok with it? And you don’t think his reasons for wanting to explore other career options for himself are valid? His reasoning makes a lot more sense than yours on every front. 

It honestly sounds like you don’t respect or care about your husband at all and see him as nothing more than a sperm donor and bank machine. 

You suck. So much. 

Post # 117
Member
7818 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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sf618b :  While there are many working women on the Bee that doesn’t mean that most of us feel that’s the only choice or the right choice for everyone. The right choice is different from family to family. 

If you want to raise your babies, and I commend you for that!, you need to make him understand why this is important to you.  Daycare is a necessary thing within our society, but I never wanted to outsource my children to another person or put them in a facility where they don’t get individualized attention, sleep on cots, and spend 10 hours under fluorescent lights.

If you think OP convincing her husband to remain in a job he’s miserable in and that frequently keeps him away from home and family is good choice…??? Don’t children deserve to have an interested father involved in their lives? It doesn’t even sound as if she likes her new husband, not a great way to start a family. 

If you really believe this is what childcare looks like for most working families you should do some homework. 

I worked (and still do) and still volunteered at my kids’ schools, picked them up when they were sick, baked brownies and home-cooked meals from scratch, helped with homework, sewed Halloween costumes, you name it…

Working mothers aren’t automatically evil and SAHMs aren’t automatically saints, I’ve known plenty of SAHMs who spent more time at the mall/gym/salon than they did with their children. There are great moms who work in and out of the home and not-so-great moms who work in and outside the home. Happy children generally come from homes where the parents operate together as a team, whether or not both parents work outside the home.

This is a marital conflict, not a parenting conflict–they are not even pregnant. They have been married less than a year and he’s just discovered they have very different views of family, different enough that perhaps they shouldn’t be married. 

Post # 118
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I feel bad for your kids who have a gigantic father sized hole in their lives because mommy wanted to provide them with fresh after school brownies. 

Post # 119
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Just to add: Never use childcare you can’t fire. That you will sit across from at Thanksgiving. “Free” family childcare doesn’t have to answer to you or follow your rules or do anything you want. You pay a high price for “free” childcare–like, having your children raised the way you want them raised.

A hired professional does what you say. And you pay them. 

Post # 120
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

“I do work 8 to 6 though and I think that is a long time away from home when you have a baby.”

So you think 8 to 6 is a long time away from home and baby, but your husband traveling “extensively” for work, meaning he is often away over night, is A-OK? Why because fathers don’t count? We have a name for that kind of thinking and it’s called sexism.

If you just want to be a single parent collecting a check from a DNA donor, why don’t you just get knocked up and divorce your husband? Poor guy can get the career change he wants and needs then, not having to carry the load for all of you.

 

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