(Closed) Want to be engaged by 35 -how do I explain my timeline?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ms_golightly:  Hi! I understand everything that you’ve outlined. I am tagging this thread to revisit after work!

Post # 4
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

We talked about timelines.  I think it’s important to talk about when each of you envisions being married by.  You don’t have to phrase it as “at 35, I wish to wed” – but more like, I envision us getting married in the next year, or next two years (whatever you’re thinking).  Then ask him when he thinks he sees himself married by?  How long of an engagement seems good for him?  Then back calculate!

I don’t know how else people do this if they aren’t talking about it!  I would imagine not being on the same page leads to getting upset.

My husband and I talked about when we wanted to live together, then I realized I needed to be engaged to sell my house to move in with him.  Then we talked about when we’d get engaged (we aimed it a year out from that talk, I was working and doing a Master’s so I wanted to be done with classes prior to living with anyone), then I’d sell my house and move in with him, we discussed how long we’d be engaged for (we guessed a year was good).  Then voila!  That’s is actually how it all went!  All in all, it took 4 years from first day til wedding day.

All throughout the pre-engaged period we’d talk about “the big move” so it was part of our life – not pushed under the rug.  I called it the “activation button” – I was not doing anything as IF I were engaged (like putting my house on the market, moving stuff into his house, looking at wedding blogs, etc.) until the activation button was deployed.  LOL

 

I am 36 and have been married 3 weeks!

 

Post # 6
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ms_golightly:  Thanks!  Let us know how it goes! If you guys do think of a rough timeline, it is good to revisit “the plan” now and then (every 6 months?) to see if that’s what you’re still thinking.  Having some flexibility is good.

 

I’m an engineer and he’s an analytical chemist, so I guess you can say we’re logical people too.  LOL

 

Post # 7
Member
5660 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It is always good to be on the same page with your significant other about engagement and wedding timelines, or at least have a good understanding of where the other stands. I don’t think it’s silly to want to be married by a certain age, but I think it’s important to try to figure out WHY you want to be married by that age which you don’t seem to really know besides not wanting to be old. I agree with PP that it would be better to discuss timing in general, and how long in years is a comfortable place for both of you. I think a lot of us have these thoughts when we are waiting to get engaged. We are always thinking well if we don’t do it now we won’t be able to be married by this date, I need this much time to plan, I’ll miss this, etc… But when it really comes down to it, every time a girl passes a milestone where she wanted to be come engaged but wasn’t, she gets over it moves forward towards the next one. It’s ok if you get married at 36 instead of 35, you’ll deal with it as it comes and it will mean that that was what was right for you and your SO.

I guess, I feel empathetic because I have thought the same things as I’ve gotten older, but the age iIwanted to do certain things by sometimes comes and goes, and it still all works out. I’m coming up on 31 and did I think I wouldn’t even be thinking about getting pregnant by this time? Absolutely not, I wanted to get married quite a few years ago and have kids by now when I was younger and looking ahead. I think all the time about wanting to have kids before I’m 35 but what if that doesn’t happen? I guess if it doesn’t, then we weren’t supposed to!

Post # 8
Member
41 posts
Newbee

 I just would like to get married sooner rather than later (I’m already the last of my friends and family), I would like to still have my grand parents be there on the day, while the’re still alive, I would like to be a young-ish bride and look good in my photos.

To me, this is reason enough.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married within 3 years of dating, especially at your age.  What you are asking for is very reasonable. Most women in their 30’s don’t want to just be a girlfriend after 3 years anyway.  You should be able to say these things to him without feeling like you owe him a huge explanation.  You said that you already told him how you feel, but what was his response?  I’m curious.  Hope this helps!

Post # 9
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@indigo_love:  yep – if you know your Fiance is the one at this age he should pretty much have an idea if you are too and you should be able to talk about it openly. the reasons you listed are valid, because they are your reasons. they don’t have to be the same as other people’s reasons.

You just want that commitment – that’s it, and tell him you want it in the form of engagement and marriage, not houses and debts like other people are perfectly fine with.

Post # 10
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It sounds like all these reasons you want to get married are about you, instead of about your relationship. Understandably, those reasons are not going to be very convincing to your boyfriend. Can you think about reasons sooner is better for you AND your SO?

Post # 11
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@AlwaysSunny:  That is a good point!  Unless all the good stuff is just assumed…

Post # 12
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@ms_golightly:  

Ok I’m in my early 30s and I understand completely how you feel, but honestly I think it’s a poor “diplomatic” strategy to bring up engagement and marriage when the guy hasn’t even proposed yet and you’ve only been dating a year. I get it that you’ve been living together but in my opinion it’s a little aggressive and based on his reaction you definitely spooked him. We don’t want him spooked, we want him to “want” to propose!

I had just turned 30 when my guy and I met and when we get married (coming up in a few weeks!) we will have been together 4 years…two of which we lived together. You need to let the guy lead a little bit, but at the same time let him know that “at 2 or 3 years, an expression of committment needs to be made or you are going to have to re-evaluate the relationship.”

That’s basically what I did. I made it very clear that once I moved in with him, within 12 months there needed to be a ring on my finger or I was dust in the wind….and in that time frame I got my ring.

35 is just a number…it’s really more about you and him and his comfort level. I’d say you are in a good position try not to pressure him or he could end up imploding. It’s not about what you look like in pics either…or who attends your wedding…this is a life bond where you have to be okay with spending the rest of your life with this guy so make sure it’s the right thing to do!

 

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I respect Sugarpug’s thoughts, but I have to disagree. 

 

You’re living together, have talked about marriage vaguely, you kind of want to know where it’s heading and a rough idea of things.  We’re not talking about narrowing down a wedding month/year, just a general timeline.

 

“”oh..well that hadn’t even crossed my mind, i didn’t have engagement in my head as something happening that soon””

He did say this, but what is NOT too soon to him.  I think it’s fair game to know what his thought process is.  We did this all at the 15 month mark, but we were not living together.

 

A man that really wants to be with you, even in the long run, is not going to be spooked. 

Post # 15
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

OP… if you want to marry this particular man, get a ring and propose!  I had a friend that did this a couple of years ago and it was a brilliant move.

By leaving the decision to the man’s timetable, we basically put ourselves in limbo, and in waiting mode.  We’re equals, right? So go ahead and grab the bull by the horns.  What have you got to lose?

Post # 16
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So your boyfriend is on board with getting married, to the point where he occasionally discusses ideas like venues. You aren’t officially engaged (by your definition 🙂 yet, and you’ve told him that you want to be engaged by two years from now, which I assume means married in 3-4. That seems completely reasonable, and it doesn’t sound like he freaked out. 

I don’t see where there’s a problem in any of this. You don’t need to have a justification like, “I want to have kids” to want to get married and have your relationship legally formalized.

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