Post # 1
Some background – my sister and I are super close. It’s just the two of us, and we’re best friends. We were always going to be each other’s maid of honours, and she was mine at my wedding. When she got engaged she asked me straight away to be hers, and we got excited together. For the past 18 months we’ve been planning together for her wedding -tenuous plans, she had no date. We have a shared Pinterest board, I’ve been planning her bachelorette. When we’ve talked about me potentially having another child, I told her it would be planned around her wedding.
Anyway, out of the blue she called me and said she’s getting married next month, with just parents and our grandma in attendance – no siblings invited. I always think people should do exactly what they want for their wedding, but never imagined in a million years she’d want to do it without me. She’d planned an aboard wedding at first, or perhaps a small wedding to save money. She said this was to save money, but I don’t understand how having siblings with partners and even the children – her children will be there too – at a ceremony would escalate the cost? Especially with no reception.
Anyway I feel hurt and disrespected – the four of us – my parents and my sister and I – have always been close and now I’m the only one not invited to be there. I understand the theory of wanting a tiny wedding, and I want to be supportive and all that – I just have a constant lump in my throat. I don’t want to make it all about me and be selfish but – what the heck?
Anyway, my question is- am I an idiot for feeling this way? I’ve felt in a deep hole the past twenty four hours that I’ve known and as much as I try, I can’t shake the feeling of being hurt (I know, drama queen. Not proud of it.)
Post # 2
If I were that close, I’d feel hurt. Especially since there’s no reception and just a ceremony. I only have a brother but I’d feel hurt if I was intentionally left out. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I don’t know how you would address it with her. Maybe gently tell her how you feel but you respect her decision if that’s what she wants to do.
Post # 3
No, you are not wrong to feel that way. You feel the way you feel. Having feelings doesn’t make you a drama queen (but how you choose to act upon those feelings might).
Ultimately, you are correct in that she’s allowed to do whatever she wants for her wedding and invite whomever she wants, and that includes NOT inviting siblings. There’s no rule that siblings have to be invited.
That said, if you truly have the close relationship you describe, then that also means being able to share with the other person when you feel hurt and talk things out, especially if the alternative is potentially harboring resentment that might eventually eat away at your relationship. People who are close should be able to say to one another “Hey, I respect that you can make any choice you want, but I’m really hurt that you aren’t inviting me and feel purposely excluded and I don’t understand why.” That’s not the same as demanding to be invited or she change her plans (which would fall into the drama queen category).
As an aside, I actually think your sister is being rude on multple fronts, from not hosting the tiny number of people she has to wedding planning with someone she apparently has no intention of inviting to actually calling you up to tell you that you aren’t invited. Just because you’re a sibling and she probably feels like she doesn’t need be as careful around you and your feelings because you’ll understand as her sibling doesn’t mean it isn’t rude or hurtful. As a general rule, you don’t talk wedding plans with people not involved in the wedding or call people up to tell them you don’t plan to invite them – although in this case I think you are owed a courtesy and explanation giving your involvement up until now.
Re: planning a potential pregnancy around her wedding…
I really hope you take this as a life lesson that you don’t postpone your own life for someone else, and especially not for someone else’s one day party, even if that person is your sister. You can’t control what other people do or what life events may come your way – so you live your life for you and your family (spouse and child) and what works best for your nuclear family and the rest of it will work itself out. Had your sister had the full blown wedding you thought she was going to have, the world wouldn’t have ended if you showed up pregnant or with a newborn in tow.
Post # 4
I’ll never understand why people do stupid shit like this. Hopefully she doesn’t expect you to give her a shower or bachelorette party, but nothing surprises me in these days of it’s all about me.
You have every right to your feelings. Your sister is being a real asshole, sorry.
Post # 5
No I’d be hurt too. This is so strange especially if out of the four of you you’re the only one not allowed? It makes zero sense. Especially with no reception. I would let her know that your feel hurt being the only one excluded. I know we’re not supposed to say how we feel about others plans on this board but this feels extra stupid and I agree with sunburn above.
Post # 6
Have you told her “this is incredibly hurtful to me. You are my sister and I love you and I want to be there. We’ve spent 18 months planning your wedding. Why are you doing this?”
Post # 7
Does her partner have siblings that are perhaps not wanted the wedding? An unfortunately common, and cowardly, way of handling problematic parents/siblings on one side is to insist that the wedding be “no parents/siblings” for both sides. That way the problematic relatives are excluded without singling them out, but to the detriment of the side that would otherwise have their own relatives attend. I could see that happening here as well.
But of course that’s pure speculation based on the information provided. You should ask her what happened, because there is clearly something going on here. Your hurt and confusion is understandable.
Post # 8
Sorry your sister is complete idiot I would be devastated and pondering the future of her in my life.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry, bee. It’s one thing to elope and not have any guests. But to purposefully cut out siblings seems cruel, especially so when you have been so invested in the process.
I agree with other bees that while normally what the bride and groom want is justified, I think that asking her why she made this decision and sharing your feelings is warranted. Does her husband have a large amount of siblings or something? Maybe he has a rocky relationship with them? Still, I’m so sorry. If my brother did the same, I would be so incredibly sad.
Post # 10
@anxiousmama: I’ve been planning her bachelorette.
Soooo this is on hold right? I know she’s not expecting a bachelorette after disinviting her only sister to her wedding? The wedding that would cost $0 for you to attend?
Your sister is kind of a jerk for that.
Post # 11
I actually just reread because I missed the part where she ACTUALLY asked you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor (vs. you presuming and acting as a de facto based on an “understanding”). Since I can’t actually edit my post, everything I said about her being rude AF actually bumped her up to asshole territory beacuse she essentially uninvited you. She didn’t just not invite you if you were her Maid/Matron of Honor, she uninvited you.
So yeah, feel those feelings and then I really hope you talk with her rather than letting it fester. You having feelings and discussing how her actions made you feel isn’t mutually exclusive with being supportive. Those two things can coexist. Being supportive doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to have feelings and hash out disagreements or hurt feelings. Being supportive doesn’t mean you just blindly accept shitty treatment in silence. Just because it’s her wedding doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel badly and let her know how her actions affect you when she’s being a shitty person to you.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana
I would be devestated if I wasn’t invited to my siblings wedding. I d probably get over it if they eloped alone but any guests should include immediate family. I’m so sorry bee.
…and definitely don’t get roped in to any “pre-wedding” activities.
Post # 13
That seems really bizarre to me. Does her fiance have a ton of siblings they don’t want there or something? Or, is there a max number of people allowed at the ceremony?
I would talk to her about it. I feel like there must be more to this somehow..
Post # 14
Wow, thanks so much for all the supportive responses. It really helps.
Apparently the reason is that they just got overwhelmed with wedding stuff and decided they wanted to do it immediately, and everything is booked up because of Covid. Honestly, it doesn’t convince me or help because I would have attended with minimal notice (she knows this) and there will be empty seats in the service so it doesn’t make sense. Her future husband does have 3 siblings, and we all have families – though there’s no rifts or drama there either.
It’s helpful to hear that the way I feel is okay, and that being supportive is not synonymous with being thrilled or unhurt about the arrangement. In time I will find the words to express how much this hurt me, but right now I think I would risk saying something passive aggressive in my upset. I don’t want to ruin her day by her knowing I’m mad but it’s true that at some point she needs to know how disrespected I feel.
Thank-you everyone 🙂
(and p.s yeah the bachelorette is off – there were no actual plans in yet, I’d just made ideas and run them by her. The wedding date had yet to be set so no firm plans. She wouldn’t expect that to go ahead now 😊)
Post # 15
ahh ok. So if she invited you it would actually be a bit like inviting 4 additional families.
I would still be hurt and frustrated, but it makes more logical sense if her current guest list is 5 and adding siblings would be 8 -12+ extra people. Especially if the siblings would be opposed to not bringing partners and kids. And there would be more expectation to ‘host’ if that many people were involved.
I would still be honest about being bummed about it. You’re allowed to feel hurt and sad about missing this. But at least this sounds like more of a practicality issue than anything else.