Want to be supportive but –

posted 2 weeks ago in Wedding Related
Post # 2
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

If I were that close, I’d feel hurt. Especially since there’s no reception and just a ceremony. I only have a brother but I’d feel hurt if I was intentionally left out. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I don’t know how you would address it with her. Maybe gently tell her how you feel but you respect her decision if that’s what she wants to do. 

Post # 3
Member
4778 posts
Honey bee

No, you are not wrong to feel that way.  You feel the way you feel.  Having feelings doesn’t make you a drama queen (but how you choose to act upon those feelings might).

Ultimately, you are correct in that she’s allowed to do whatever she wants for her wedding and invite whomever she wants, and that includes NOT inviting siblings.  There’s no rule that siblings have to be invited.

That said, if you truly have the close relationship you describe, then that also means being able to share with the other person when you feel hurt and talk things out, especially if the alternative is potentially harboring resentment that might eventually eat away at your relationship.  People who are close should be able to say to one another “Hey, I respect that you can make any choice you want, but I’m really hurt that you aren’t inviting me and feel purposely excluded and I don’t understand why.”  That’s not the same as demanding to be invited or she change her plans (which would fall into the drama queen category).

 

As an aside, I actually think your sister is being rude on multple fronts, from not hosting the tiny number of people she has to wedding planning with someone she apparently has no intention of inviting to actually calling you up to tell you that you aren’t invited.  Just because you’re a sibling and she probably feels like she doesn’t need be as careful around you and your feelings because you’ll understand as her sibling doesn’t mean it isn’t rude or hurtful.  As a general rule, you don’t talk wedding plans with people not involved in the wedding or call people up to tell them you don’t plan to invite them – although in this case I think you are owed a courtesy and explanation giving your involvement up until now.

Re: planning a potential pregnancy around her wedding…

I really hope you take this as a life lesson that you don’t postpone your own life for someone else, and especially not for someone else’s one day party, even if that person is your sister.  You can’t control what other people do or what life events may come your way – so you live your life for you and your family (spouse and child) and what works best for your nuclear family and the rest of it will work itself out.   Had your sister had the full blown wedding you thought she was going to have, the world wouldn’t have ended if you showed up pregnant or with a newborn in tow.

Post # 4
Member
5858 posts
Bee Keeper

I’ll never understand why people do stupid shit like this. Hopefully she doesn’t expect you to give her a shower or bachelorette party, but nothing surprises me in these days of it’s all about me. 

You have every right to your feelings. Your sister is being a real asshole, sorry.

 

Post # 5
Member
6218 posts
Bee Keeper

No I’d be hurt too. This is so strange especially if out of the four of you you’re the only one not allowed? It makes zero sense. Especially with no reception.  I would let her know that your feel hurt being the only one excluded. I know we’re not supposed to say how we feel about others plans on this board but this feels extra stupid and I agree with sunburn above.  

Post # 6
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

Have you told her “this is incredibly hurtful to me. You are my sister and I love you and I want to be there. We’ve spent 18 months planning your wedding. Why are you doing this?”

Post # 7
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

Does her partner have siblings that are perhaps not wanted the wedding? An unfortunately common, and cowardly, way of handling problematic parents/siblings on one side is to insist that the wedding be “no parents/siblings” for both sides. That way the problematic relatives are excluded without singling them out, but to the detriment of the side that would otherwise have their own relatives attend. I could see that happening here as well.

But of course that’s pure speculation based on the information provided. You should ask her what happened, because there is clearly something going on here. Your hurt and confusion is understandable. 

Post # 8
Member
611 posts
Busy bee

Sorry your sister is complete idiot I would be devastated and pondering the future of her in my life.

Post # 9
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

 I’m so sorry, bee. It’s one thing to elope and not have any guests. But to purposefully cut out siblings seems cruel, especially so when you have been so invested in the process.

I agree with other bees that while normally what the bride and groom want is justified, I think that asking her why she made this decision and sharing your feelings is warranted. Does her husband have a large amount of siblings or something? Maybe he has a rocky relationship with them? Still, I’m so sorry. If my brother did the same, I would be so incredibly sad.

Post # 10
Member
2034 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
@anxiousmama:  I’ve been planning her bachelorette.

Soooo this is on hold right?  I know she’s not expecting a bachelorette after disinviting her only sister to her wedding?  The wedding that would cost $0 for you to attend?

Your sister is kind of a jerk for that.

Post # 11
Member
4778 posts
Honey bee

I actually just reread because I missed the part where she ACTUALLY asked you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor (vs. you presuming and acting as a de facto based on an “understanding”).  Since I can’t actually edit my post, everything I said about her being rude AF actually bumped her up to asshole territory beacuse she essentially uninvited you.  She didn’t just not invite you if you were her Maid/Matron of Honor, she uninvited you.

So yeah, feel those feelings and then I really hope you talk with her rather than letting it fester.  You having feelings and discussing how her actions made you feel isn’t mutually exclusive with being supportive.  Those two things can coexist.  Being supportive doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to have feelings and hash out disagreements or hurt feelings.  Being supportive doesn’t mean you just blindly accept shitty treatment in silence.  Just because it’s her wedding doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel badly and let her know how her actions affect you when she’s being a shitty person to you.

Post # 12
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

I would be devestated if I wasn’t invited to my siblings wedding.  I d probably get over it if they eloped alone but any guests should include immediate family.  I’m so sorry bee.  

…and definitely don’t get roped in to any “pre-wedding” activities. 

Post # 13
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

That seems really bizarre to me. Does her fiance have a ton of siblings they don’t want there or something? Or, is there a max number of people allowed at the ceremony?

I would talk to her about it. I feel like there must be more to this somehow.. 

Post # 15
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

ahh ok. So if she invited you it would actually be a bit like inviting 4 additional families. 

I would still be hurt and frustrated, but it makes more logical sense if her current guest list is 5 and adding siblings would be 8 -12+ extra people. Especially if the siblings would be opposed to not bringing partners and kids. And there would be more expectation to ‘host’ if that many people were involved.

I would still be honest about being bummed about it. You’re allowed to feel hurt and sad about missing this. But at least this sounds like more of a practicality issue than anything else. 

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