Want to be supportive but –

posted 3 days ago in Wedding Related
Post # 31
Member
3652 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

It makes total sense that you’re sad. This is your sister and you’re close and you always planned to be in each other’s weddings and now that’s not happening. That sucks and of course you would be hurt by that.

At the same time, I don’t see the point in confronting her so she can “fix” the situation as some people have suggested. She’s not an idiot. She absolutely would know how this would impact you, and it appears you’ve already asked for a reason why as she’s already provided you an explanation, whether you like the explanation or not. It sucks, and this will not be something that is easy to get over and you’ll likely never forget it, but do you honestly want to strongarm your sister into inviting you? Will you feel good about attending knowing you’re only there because you guilted her into it? I don’t think you would even enjoy going to the wedding under those circumstances. 

It’s up to your sister to decide who will and won’t be a her wedding, and it’s up to you to decide how much you want her choice to effect your relationship with her from your end. Maybe you’ll need to go low contact for a while and that’s okay, but ultimately it’s up to her how that event plays out 

Post # 32
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee

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@moschata:  I am aware the OP has not said anything about the fiance attempting to cut ties with the family.  That is why I said it would be worth keeping an eye out.  This is obviously very uncharacteristic behaviour from OPs sister, they have been very close in the past and yet the sister is cutting her out of the wedding, knowing how much pain it will cause.  

Unless OP has done something to seriously upset her sister (and if she’d done something that bad, I’m sure she’d be aware of it), I can’t think of a good reason for cutting her.  The arguments that inviting her would mean inviting a dozen other people is rubbish – the couple could easily invite siblings only, which would mean four extra.  

Post # 33
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is very odd to me. 

They would be better off eloping just the two of them instead of cutting out close family 

  • This reply was modified 2 days, 22 hours ago by londonchick.
Post # 34
Member
10486 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@moschata:  
View original reply
@weddingmaven:  

Oh ok. But if it is just the ceremony, perhaps the normal inviting of spouses etc could be not done?
Anyway, l think the couple would be a whole lot better just eloping instead of doing this. I doubt OP will ever forget this exclusion,  even if she forgives and understands. 

Post # 35
Member
759 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PP that I don’t think there’s much use in trying to convince the sister of anything at this point, but I also agree that it probably would have been more considerate for her to switch to an elopement rather than this arrangement of “FYI we’re having a wedding, but it’s parents only, but also grandma, plus my kids, and of course a photographer.” (I’m making an assumption about having the photographer, but I would be surprised to learn there isn’t one).

I still feel like there’s something going on here that can’t be explained away simply as “saving money” or “not wanting to plan anything” or COVID. If they’re having a “service,” then I assume there could be a church involved, and most churches are big enough to accommodate ~20 people from 7 household units with social distancing between households. Many large rooms in general can accommodate 7 households, not to mention the outdoors. If COVID was the driving concern precluding having 20 people in a room (or fewer with just the siblings themselves), then maybe don’t have an indoor in-person wedding at all right now, especially not with an elderly person in attendance. 

If they didn’t want to plan or pay for a reception, and the thought is that fewer people = less guilt for not hosting them, then I still think the solution would have been to elope. 

Again, it’s probably not worth getting into it with the sister about her reasoning. Ultimately she can do what she wants (and hopefully this is what she wants and not coming mostly from her fiance). But I do think it’s odd, and I feel for OP. I don’t know exactly what the sister said to OP, but her explanation, as OP has described it here, sounds pretty vague and unsatisfying. So I still think OP’s hurt and confusion is plenty understandable. 

Post # 36
Member
9193 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I can understand some of the reasons why she might do this, but it’s still really sucks. And honestly something you’ll never forget. My Brother-In-Law eloped and invited a small group of people but decided to do it two weeks after I gave birth (with only a week’s notice despite the fact that they’d been trying to decide on a date for months) and honestly it felt super shitty. I wasn’t physically well enough to attend and so my husband attended alone – I was left alone with the baby even though I was still in a lot of pain, we were having feeding issues, and I was an anxious hot mess. I know he wasn’t a jerk and that he is in fact just an idiot, but I will never forget how thoughtless he was. 

Post # 37
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

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@elderberry:  As I stated previously, I think that would be reasonable solution. Of course, you run afoul those that insist not being invited to a wedding ceremony is tantamount to not respecting the relationship. Plus, if the siblings need to travel, they may insist on travelling with their family and impose on the parents or couple. Or, one is stridently anti-vax and it’s easier to exclude all siblings. Finally, even if the venue seems to have extra space, inviting siblings might mean exceeding COVID-19-related occupancy restrictions.

Post # 38
Member
5793 posts
Bee Keeper

I posted before you updated. I will say that I am definitely NOT in the camp that says don’t bother saying anything to your sister about how you feel about her actions. If someone does something incredibly thoughtless, not calling them on it sets up resentment, and resentment is as corrosive to a relationship as sulfuric acid is to skin. 

She deserves to know what an asshole she is, and you will feel better having had the discussion. As long as you’re polite when you speak to her, there’s nothing wrong with clearing the air.

And please, she was overwhelmed with wedding planning for a miniscule number of people. I’ve planned weddings while working and going to school part time. Give me a fucking break.

Post # 39
Member
909 posts
Busy bee

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@moschata:  That was my assumption too. I kind of feel like the sister couldn’t win here. Either she excludes her sister, or she offends her fiance’s siblings in some shape or form by excluding parts of their family/complicating their lives. If she elopes she hurts her parents and grandparents. 

Personally I would have just eloped. OP may come to understand, but she’s probably still going to be hurt. My husband’s sister had a last minute wedding midweek so that her fiance’s ailing aunt could come. But doing that meant my husband and I couldn’t come – and the aunt didn’t end up going anyway. We UNDERSTAND but my husband was hurt and it’s still a sore spot. 

Post # 40
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee

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@moschata:  OP has stated that there is capacity at the venue, but that it is her sister’s choice not to have more people.  If it were Covid related, then I’m sure she would understand, as we have all either had to make painful choices about who got to go to our wedding during Covid or know someone who has.  But there has been no mention of needing to comply with Covid restrictions from the sister – just vague excuses about finding wedding planning too stressful and wanting to cut costs (which is daft, because it doesn’t take any extra planning OR cost anything extra to invite another 4 people to a ceremony space which has sufficient room for them)

Post # 41
Member
518 posts
Busy bee

That is very strange. I am wondering what her fiance is like and what his parents are like? Could it be her fiance’s idea or have anything to do with them? They can say it was their idea together, but I’m not sure. Why would that even be an idea on the table, and who came up with it? Are you the only sibling in the equasion? Then maybe the fiance is the one with the problem but it is only a guess. It is strange to not include siblings especially if there’s no reception, but you two are close where this is unusual. So I have to wonder about the fiance.

Post # 42
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

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@teaandcake:  OP thinks the venue has capacity. Did she call up the venue and ask them about her sister’s specific case? Or did she just assume? COVID policies change daily. The sister might have wanted to build a buffer to reduce uncertainty and the risk of having to uninvite someone. It’s also possible they have lunch/dinner plans after and the restaurant cannot physically or financially fit 4 additionally people (or more if they insist on bringing their families).

Post # 43
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

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@tinytimbo:  Agreed. Wedding invitations are complicated because people often interpret them as reflecting value over other relationships. Another poster recommended that the bride and groom each choose an equal number of guests. The problem with that suggestion is that it becomes very clear where people rank.

Post # 44
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee

@moschata – direct quotes from OPs first two posts:

She said this was to save money, but I don’t understand how having siblings with partners and even the children – her children will be there too – at a ceremony would escalate the cost? Especially with no reception.” 

there will be empty seats in the service so it doesn’t make sense.”

So it’s to save money even though there is no reception – and there ARE empty seats available.  None of OPs sisters excuses are holding water.  Which is why I think something else is going on.  Unless there is a reception and OPs sister is lying about it.

 

  • This reply was modified 2 days, 11 hours ago by teaandcake.
Post # 45
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

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@teaandcake:  I too read the post. Given pandemic conditions, empty seats doesn’t imply available seats. I attended a recent wedding where the venue capacity due to Covid-19 was far lower than the number of seats (pre-pandemic capacity). Siblings with partners and children might also require a larger venue (more expensive) or the imposition to host (also costly). Keep in mind the children are likely unvaccinated and one of the grandparents could be immunocompromised. While not considered an official reception, they may also plan on hosting a dinner/lunch of which OP is unaware. That doesn’t mean the sister is lying. The sister and her fiance may have also decided to blame expenses rather than embroil themselves into family drama.  Finally, the sister might have thought she and OP were close enough that OP would be secure enough in their relationship to be understanding.

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