Want to hear from parents AND people who are CFBC!

posted 1 week ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Where do you fall?

    Fence sitter who chose parenthood

    Fence sitter who chose to be CFBC

    Always wanted to be a parent

    Never wanted to be a parent

    Something else, I’ll explain!

  • Post # 2
    Member
    805 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m a fence sitter who is currently pregnany (with a planned and worked-for pregnancy.) 

    I’ve always felt like having children and not having children would just be two different lives with two different sets of good things and bad things in them, neither necessarily better or worse. 

    Ultimately, I felt like at 37, I had to make a call either way. In the end, I decided that I have taken time these past few years to do so many of the things I love–travel, build a career, and I wanted to have this experience. And it was very important to my partner to have a child, and he was willing to step up to do what was necessary to show me he really would be an equal or more partner in it in a way that alleviated many concerns (he’ll be single-parenting several days a week because of my job, for example.)  But I also decided that if I had trouble getting pregnant I would not take extraordinary measues, I would just use the resources I would have put towards a child towards doing other things in life I would love and supporting other causes. (I’m less than halfway through this pregnancy, so who knows!) 

    But one thing to keep in mind is–you’ve still got a lot of time to think about it. I definitely did not want to have kids in the situation I was in at 26 (and my life wasn’t bad at all, it just wasn’t consistent with a child.) But over the years I fidn myself in a different place. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    261 posts
    Helper bee

    You have so much time to make this choice.

     

    Enjoy your life now, and if that urge hits you strongly, then you’ll know.

     

    I had my first at 26 and I thought I was ready, but if I were to do it again I’d wait till 30. More time to grow and experience life before bringing another into it.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2360 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    @jq2020:  I always wanted kids, a bunch of them too. It was something I dreamed about, the whole husband, house, kids, and dog package. Then I got older and I started to waver. I thought maybe just a couple kids. Then I met my husband, and we were having so much fun, just the two of us, I started thinking, why bring kids into this? I struggled the two years we were married with this. My poor husband, who I’d told I wanted kids back when we we were dating and engaged and I was sure that I did want kids, didn’t know how to process my about face. 

    My husband and I had several discussions about what our lives would look like with kids, and because of my age and PCOS, we talked about it once a year to see what we’d do. Each time, we decided to delay, and I was starting to think I’d never want them at all. Then, there was a day that I was a bit late in my period, and even though I was on BC, I thought for a moment something went wrong and I was pregnant. I took a test, which was negative, and I started to realize I would have been excited for a positive. It kind of threw me all over again. I still wasn’t gung ho about kids though, just back to unsure.

    I don’t know what turned me back on to having kids, but it just happened. I’m now 26 weeks pregnant. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    2111 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I was a massive fence sitter leaning more towards not having children.

    I fell pregnant by accident in late 2018 and gave birth to my daughter in May 2019, she is one next week. 

    The first few weeks were tough, I worried I made a mistake and I wasn’t cut out to be a parent but as I got used to this new way of living and bonding with her things got easier.

    Now, I can’t believe I ever doubted having children. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and the love I feel for her eclipses anything else. Planning for baby 2 next year! 

    Post # 6
    Member
    3543 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    View original reply
    @jq2020:  I just wanted to chime in and say I’m in the exact same situation. 26, married, and no idea. Somedays I absolutely cannot see myself having kids, and somedays I feel ok about the idea of having kids. There are also moments in my life when I wish I had one (like when I’m on an awesome hike and see people hiking with their cute kids). 

    I take parenting extremely seriously (I essentially  went to grad school to study it) and it feels like such a major responsibility to take on. Too major. For the record I work with kids and families who are coping with healthcare related crises and traumas, including death. Let me tell you that seeing children die while their parents scream and sob is not something that makes me eager to procreate.

    My husband was solid CFBC when I met him, and I agreed that if he never wanted kids I was fine to never have them. With age, he’s started to want one. It terrifies me to see him leaving the fencesitter camp. He still says he understands that I would be the one making more sacrifices and he’d be ok with it if we decide CFBC. But then sometimes I wonder if his desire to be a dad will continue to grow with age. He turns 30 this year. He says he absolutely wouldn’t want to fight hard if getting pregnant was difficult, but again.. how badly will he want to be a dad in another 5 years? 

    We both agree that we would never have more than one child. But obviously 1 kid is still a million times different than having none. So I dunno – I guess we will see what happens! I figure I have a solid 7 to 10 years to decide. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1634 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    I grew up assuming I’d have kids one day because that’s “just what you do”, but I’ve never felt the overwhelming urge to be a mom. 

    I’ve never been scared of being pregnant, giving birth, etc, nor have I ever doubted that I would be an excellent mom. I’ve just never felt led in that direction. I was always completely ambivalent about it. Could take it or leave it and that would be fine. 

    In my early to mid twenties, I was still open to the idea with my ex husband (until he turned into a controlling jerk) and with a couple people I dated after my marriage ended.

    As I headed into my late 20s, however, I started settling into my career, had my dog crew in a zen place, and dated a guy who has a kiddo. She was a fantastic kid, but the energy it took to keep her happy, cared for, entertained, and safe was a drain on my introverted personality, and I wasn’t even her parent. I saw her two days every other weekend and would spend the next four days recuperating. It was something else, literally. 

    When I met my fiancé, and and I had the “do we want kids” talk a few months in. He was on the fence leaning toward no, and I was already jumping off the fence toward no. 

    He’s also inteoverted. He’s career-focused and works a ton. He loves to travel. He likes his quiet time and his books and video games. He likes being able to pick up and go, and all we have to do is text the dog sitter. 

    I feel similarly, but I’m mostly focused on the fact that I really don’t have the desire or drive to be a mom. There are so many women who desperately want children, and I’m not there. I don’t think a kid deserves anything less than being 100% wanted by their parents, because that will carry you through the most difficult of times. Therefore, I’m CFBC. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2018

    First off, to be thinking about such a life changing and arguably the biggest decision of your life so extensively is a good place to be in. Most people take the plunge with no forethought whatsoever. So kudos to you! Going through this process is no easy task. 

    I was a fence sitter for the last two years. I think my stance changed to considering the possibility of having one child momentarily when we experienced a “second honeymoon stage” of our relationship when we got married. I’ve always told people I didn’t want kids growing up and then in my twenties as well. I’m a few years older than you are but basically went through the same emotional rollercoaster of going back and forth and antagonizing over the decision. My husband did the same and we came to the conclusion that we prefer to be childfree for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t easy but it is the best decision for US.
    When I had my mental pros/cons list for having a child it became more apparent my pro reasons were more superficial and I was looking at it with rose colored glasses on-picturing those Kodak moments. I wasn’t being realistic about our expectations should we decide to enter parenthood. 

    I don’t have much experience with children. Even being CFBC, I still like kids though and there are plenty of ways to be involved with every age group. The possibilities are endless! I think that was a good compromise for my husband and I. 

    I wish you the best with making this decision and remember only you and your partners opinions matter! It’s okay to really take your time to think about it. Be well 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    1088 posts
    Bumble bee

    At 26, I didn’t think I wanted kids or at least could not imagine having kids. 

    At 29, I met my husband. 

    By 37 we had spent over $100k in IVF treatments to have our very much wanted first and only child. 

    You never know where life will take you. I think most “no’s” stay no’s, most “yeses” have kids, and most fence sitters (in their 20’s) eventually have kids too. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    132 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2021 - Australia

    I voted always wanted kids. As a teen and into my early 20s, I figured it was definitely something I’d always want to do – ‘one day’. I would be sad to get to the end of my life and never know what it felt like. 

    By the time I met my partner, I was in my early thirties and whilst I still wanted kids, I had waited so long to find him that I wanted to get some time just us, alone. I wanted to keep him all to myself because he’s the best thing ever.  I also knew I wanted to be married before we had them, and thanks to corona that won’t happen until next year. 

    On the flipside, I’m also 35 this year, and so it can’t just be ‘one day’ any more. We have to have a plan or we’ll miss out altogether, but I do feel circumstances have limited our ability to make choices the way my younger self might have hoped. But that’s ok. It is what it is, and we’d buy a dog and have a good life if we start trying and learn we can’t have kids.

    What I’ve learned is, you can have all the grand plans in the world but things sometimes just turn out a different way and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’m grateful I’ve had the time to really think about what I wanted, loads of parents my age didn’t have that chance and if nothing else, at least I can say I will know what I want when/if I get pregnant.

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    9426 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I was a fence sitter for a long time. I always saw pros and cons to both, but ultimately the scales tipped slightly in favor of parenthood. It wasn’t any one thing that made up my mind, so unfortunately I can’t be much help there.

    I will say that LO’s 2 now and while I love him more than anything and would give my life for him in a second, I can absolutely picture an alternate universe where dh and I decided not to have any kids, and that being just fine and wonderful too. It would’ve been different, for sure — but in both good and bad ways.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2669 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    I was actually firmly on the “never wanted to have kids” side of the fence from when I was around 13/14 until I was in my early 20s. For me, it was more a matter of seeing all the women in my life giving up so much to have kids (such as their careers) and I didn’t want that for myself. I was never one of those little girls who carried around dolls and played mummies and daddies, so it wasn’t an overly hard decision for me to come to.

    Sometime in my early 20s, I started to think why couldn’t I have a family and have a career or travel or do all the things that I previously thought I’d have to give up. Why couldn’t I have both? So I started to become more open to the idea of one day having kids. It also helped that my then-boyfriend (now-husband) very much wanted to have children.

    I’m just about to turn 30 and am due with our second child in 3 weeks. I don’t regret having kids and we’ve even discussed having a third in the next couple of years. I took some time off when I had my first and am about to start maternity leave again, but I know my job is waiting for me and I have a lot of big plans for my position next year once I’m back on board.

    Post # 13
    Member
    588 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2017 - France

    I grew up in a big family and initially wanted children but didn’t think I’d have any, when my sisters started having children I was trust into being the main caregiver because one sister went back to college in the states and left her daughter behind on the island. I was certain I didn’t want children because it was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. 

    I met my husband about 6 years later and we spoke about if we wanted children and I thought maybe someday. Jokes on me because the very first time we’ve ever been intimate I got pregnant. 

    So now I have two children born 6 years apart. I’m not having anymore.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3464 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I always thought I’d have children. Sort of a ‘that’s what you do’ type want.

    At uni I was sure I’d have kids one day but planned to be a working mum and have it all.

    At 27 I married and was no where near ready for kids

    At 29 we started trying to a baby. We’d loved travelling and spending time just us.

    We had a long journey to becoming parents and after 2 years of failing I started to make peace with being childless. I used that term rather than CFBC because I saw it as being less something rather than being free of it and it wasn’t my choice.

    as it happened that’s when I got pregnant. I was a working mum after having my son and hated every single second of it.

    im now a SAHP to two children. 

    whether to have children or not is such a personal choice and there is no one size fits all for everyone. Some are firmly one way or another, some change their minds as their situations change and some are forced to make peace with a decision they didn’t take. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    358 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2020

    I think it’s great that you’re open to so many sides of your personal debate. Being young and keeping an open mind is important for now. Keep the conversation open, each 6 months or year bringing it up again with your husband and seeing what feels right for your family. 

    I’ve mentioned in previous posts, but my mom should not have been a parent. Despite her being full of love, she has never been a caretaker. I’m happy to be here, but it’s unfortunate to say she gave birth to me and my brother and then had no part in raising us. I always appreciate seeing people deeply evaluate if kids are right for them.

    FH and I are both excited to be parents in the next couple years. We love kids, love the idea of having lots of family around us, and bringing humans into this world who will be just as weird as us. We have so much love to give, so we’d be open to all avenues if biological kids were off the table.

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors