Want to hear from parents AND people who are CFBC!

posted 4 months ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Where do you fall?

    Fence sitter who chose parenthood

    Fence sitter who chose to be CFBC

    Always wanted to be a parent

    Never wanted to be a parent

    Something else, I’ll explain!

  • Post # 16
    Member
    7152 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

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    @jq2020:  I was a fence sitter. I’ve always been extremely career driven and never really knew if I wanted kids. I met a guy with a son, fell in love with them both, and eventually decided I would love to have a biological kid. We had our first 6 years after I met my husband and stepson, and now I’m due next month with my second biological child. I have zero regrets.

    Post # 17
    Member
    451 posts
    Helper bee

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    @sankwa:  What?! That is crazy!

    Did you wait until marriage to have sex or did you basically get pregnant right after you started dating?

    Post # 18
    Member
    4729 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’ve always wanted to be a parent, but when we hit a stalling point in our fertility journey, I spent a lot of emotional energy trying to picture and build a life without kids – and eventually, I more or less got there.

    Now, we’ve gotten to a place where we can continue our fertility treatments again, and I’m still hopeful. However, this has also taught me that you can live a fulfilling, happy life without kids. I spent so much time making myself think about the perks of not having kids that I’m almost sad to think of giving those up. It’s worth it to me, but that’s not true for everyone and that’s okay.

    Give yourself some time – but also recognize that you can decide whether you are happy with whichever path you choose (or the path might be chosen for you). Each has its downsides – but each also has its upsides!

    Post # 19
    Member
    3897 posts
    Honey bee

    I knew wanted kids and couldn’t imagine a life without them.

    Well, life happens, I got divorced and decided that I wanted to be happy with whatever direction my life took me…kids or no kids.  

    Met my fiance and life just felt complete.  He has older kids and they have given me the family that I have always wanted, just wrapped up in a different box than I had originally envisioned.  

    Post # 20
    Member
    359 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 1969 - Montsalvat, Victoria

    This was basically my story 8 months ago: 26, recently married and very much unsure on when to have kids/if at all. Ultimately my husband and I agreed that we wanted to be parents and a lot of medical things came up for me in the process of our discussions that made us take the leap a little quicker than perhaps what I was thinking initially. I’m now 8 months pregnant and looking forward to motherhood and everything that comes with it. My husband has always wanted kids so it was an easy decision/non-decision for him. I think for me the biggest drawback was my concerns for my career so before TTC (although it only took us one round of active TTC) I made sure I was in a role I knew I could easily slot back into post-baby. I also wanted to ensure we had our foot firmly in the property market so after we purchased our second property/investment property I knew I was feeling a lot more comfortable with the idea of becoming parents. I think the decision to have more than one child however will probably take me a lot longer to come around to…even one seems like a major commitment in terms of time, financing, love etc! 

    Post # 21
    Member
    898 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I voted fence sitter but really up until 27/28, I felt I was firmly in the ‘I don’t want kids’ category. I’ve been with DH since I was 18 and he’s always wanted kids but has also got a career he’s dedicated to and dangerous hobbies, so was always more relaxed about my stance than if our roles had been reversed I think.

    What changed for me was my dad getting diagnosed with cancer. He’s fine now, but cliches aside it was genuinely a pivotal time of my life. I realised my career was not worth my sacrifices and suddenly more than ever couldn’t imagine never having kids. It started as really hoping I could see my dad as as grandpa and evolved from there. 30 now and currently 3 weeks from my first’s (probable) arrival.

    Post # 22
    Member
    9820 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I was a fence sitter and am now pregnant with my 2nd. I was never the maternal type, never babysat etc and honestly I still don’t care for other people’s kids. I like my own though. 🙂

    That being said I was 100% not ready for kids at your age. I had my first at 31.

    Post # 23
    Member
    10 posts
    Newbee

    I’ve always wanted to have kids, never really thought about not having them. It’s just how I’ve been brought up? It also helps if you have a partner who also feels the same as you. I couldn’t marry or be with someone who doesn’t want kids at all, if I’ve always wanted them. 

    But everyone is different and I guess lifestyle and fertility/health plays a huge part in whether you want, can, can’t or don’t want to start a family. There’s no right or wrong. If I had second thoughts about having kids then it would be safe to assume that I’m not ready to have them if at all. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    2492 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

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    @jq2020:  Met DH right before I turned 23.  Married at 27. I’m now almost 30 and a mother to one.

    I was a fence sitter that irresponsibly became pregnant before marriage with my DH (boyfriend at the time), which ended in miscarriage. This horrible situation actually made me realize that I did want to become a parent one day with the right person.

    I became pregnant a second time 3 months into my marriage. Not necessarily TTC but not really preventing either. We were older,, married and stable this time around.. I’m now the proud momma to a little boy. Every day is so exciting and such a joy with him. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    593 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2017 - France

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    @alexam:  I was waiting for marriage but we didn’t make it. I honestly had no problems waiting until I met him. I got pregnant two years into dating, we had a long distance relationship.

    Post # 26
    Member
    451 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    @sankwa:  I totally understand. My husband and I waited until marriage (6 years) and it was HARD. I am not quite sure how we did it. Lol

    Kudos to you for waiting so long though- it isn’t easy!

    Post # 27
    Hostess
    4508 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

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    @thosethreewords:  I had a similar experience, except when I was younger, I had always figured I would have kids because that’s what people do.  In our early to mid 20s, D.H. and I were definitely fence sitters.  I’m very career oriented and my family has pretty much written me off as giving them grandchildren.  Once we lost several close relatives in a short period of time, it really made me reevaluate what I wanted and I started desperately wanting kids afterall.  We are 31 now and hoping to start TTC this year at some point, depending on the pandemic.  OP, you have lots of time to decide.  I would just keep checking in with yourself every so often and see how you feel while you enjoy everything else in your life. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    457 posts
    Helper bee

    I know its a different level of ‘want’ by many.

    You remind me of a couple of my friends. Both in which ive expressed of my desire to be a mother, even at my age, almost 26. They saw me so sure of what i wanted and had so many questions. Like how did i know, was i sure, why was i so excited about it, was it just to know what its like, have i really thought about it. They were sincerely confused at why Ive been wanting kids for awhile now (since I turned 20).

    And yes. Everything excites me, the learning, the self-learning, self-discipline, the opportunity to teach and help someone grow. The opportunity to be a better and more patient person. To build a strong bond.

    Even little things excite me, diaper changes and whiny tantrums (I have a nephew and have been around kids plenty…ive been told im extremely patient and i say this bc its important to note that im not in some fairytale land with the idea that everything is peaches and ice cream). 

    Everything about motherhood I look forward to with great eager. 

    One of my friends that was on the fence told me she wants kids too, but not rn, and she doesnt know when, and she doesnt know why, and her partner wants kids, and ive asked if she is okay with the thought of for sure having kids in x amount of time, and she isnt bc shes unsure. 

    I have to say, when someone seems that unsure i think its more than likely a no. That they would be comletely fine not having kids and that the only reason why they may consider is just to experience it. Or bc everyone else around them has children…or bc that should be the next step after youve done everything else you wanted to do. TO me, I cant imagine doing too much without my future children involved. I cant imagine having trips and ‘fun’ before kids come….bc kids arent some burden to me…theyre precious beings. Theyre family and i want them involved in everythign as much as possible.

    The only other thing ill say is this, idk how your husband feels about it? Is he on the fence like you? Indifferent? It can be a problem if he really wants kids or really doesnt want kids, and youre on the fence about it. 

    you know?

     

    Post # 29
    Member
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

     I’ve always for sure wanted kids, but I’ve always also wanted to have a good chunk of my life to enjoy being kid-free and focusing on myself/my partner first. He could have gone either way on the question, and if he’d ended up with a partner who didn’t want kids i think he could have been happy without them.  We met at 23 and we’re only just expecting our first now at 35. For us it feels like the best of both worlds. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    6578 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

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    @jq2020:  Total fence sitter/leaning towards no kids until I was 30!! Then we thought wellllll maybe one?? I had my son at 32 and he’s the best thing ever. But he is 4.5 now and pretty low maintenance, and we are 100% one and done. Both of best worlds!

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