Want to keep my name but I can tell it bums out FH :(

posted 6 months ago in Traditions
Post # 2
Member
3721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Can you keep your name professionally and go by his socially (if that’s what you want)? 

Post # 3
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

I promise you’ll get used to a new name really fast.  It’s amazing how fast I forget people’s maidens names after they marry.  I’d consider changing it for you FH if that’s all that keeping you from it.

Post # 4
Member
3843 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Girl he will get over it. Him being “a bit bummed out” is not a reason to change your name if you don’t want to. He already supports you so you have nothing to worry about. It’s okay for him to be disappointed. You are not selfish for wanting to keep your name. Let him feel how he feels and carry on with your original plan. 

Post # 5
Member
2405 posts
Buzzing bee

If he values unity so much, he is welcome to change his name.  

Post # 6
Member
12 posts
Newbee

why doesn’t he take your name if the unity is important to him? my fiance has a hyphenated name already so we are keeping one part of his surname, adding my surname and both changing our name to go by the new hyphenated surname. i would never just take my fiances name, my name is too important to me. if he’s not open to the possibility of changing his name then he has no reason to be upset with you. 

Post # 7
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If he wants unity, he can change his name… or you can both hyphenate your names.  Unity doesn’t mean you have to change YOUR name. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

Why should it always be the women who change their names? Keep your maiden name legally/officially and go by his name socially if you’re comfortable with it. THat’s a compromise. 

Post # 9
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

That’s ok. He’s an adult. He can be bummed and that doesn’t mean it’s your job to cheer him up by giving him what he wants. And part of the damage the patriarchy does to all of us, men and women alike, is shape our preferences do that what we want isn’t always fair to others. That’s the case here.

 

if he cares about family unity he can change his name to yours. Presumably the reason HE wants to keep his nme is because he is used to it and the world has always suggested to him he will get to keep it.

 

(My husband and I are flipping a coin for what last name we give to our future child and then switching for any others)

Post # 10
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Why doesn’t he take yours?  If he won’t consider it then it’s not really about unity, it’s about being TRADITIONAL and he doesn’t get to be butthurt.  You developed a career and have several degrees, does he?  Also he’ll adjust if you keep it. 

Post # 11
Member
11447 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I had a lengthy career and earned two degrees with my name, and I chose the formal, traditonal route of becoming First Maiden Hislast. I absolutely love this name change, because it provides clear continuity of a woman’s identity after marriage while allowing her to share a last name with her husband if she wants to.

I couldn’t imagine just dropping my maiden name entirely after having it until my mid 40s. And people who know me professionally can easily see that I am still me … only that I am now married.

I also love that I can use all three of my names whenever I want to, or just my first and new last. (I had no interest in hyphenating.)

Post # 12
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Agreeing with everyone else that he is welcome to change his name to yours if unity is the reason. Highly doubt it’s about unity and more that he wants you to have his name since he is the man. That tradition is outdated and sexist. Propose to him that he take your last name for the sake of unity and see what he says. If he declines you can officially not feel bad about not taking his name either.  This isn’t one sided.

Post # 13
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

It’s not selfish to want to keep the name you were born with… it’s your name and identity! He’ll get over it. 

Post # 14
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

If its “selfish” of you to want to keep your name just because you want to, isn’t it equally “selfish” of him to want you to change it to his because he wants you to?

I say this as a woman that did not change her name and have heard this same bullshit. Do whatever makes you happy!

Post # 15
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

 

DoubleD :  I agree.  I’m more or less in the same boat as the OP, boyfriend is fine with me keeping my name but I can tell it bums him out a bit.  He’s a good feminist but I guess the traditional outlook can be hard to break.   All it took was one conversation where I asked if he would change his name to mine, which was an adamant no, and that was it, he got where I was coming from.

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