Want to keep my name but I can tell it bums out FH :(

posted 7 months ago in Traditions
Post # 16
Member
243 posts
Helper bee

Just tell him that you are excited to be Mrs(husbands name) and thats the name you will go by socially, but that for professional reasons it’s too much to change.  I too have a career and family business with my last name so I chose not to change my name legally.  If its business or legal related I go by my real name and if its just social or meeting new people and I am with my husband I just go by my husband’s last name. 

Post # 17
Member
3463 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Brielle :  Same. That’s exactly what I did with my name and I love it. As an aside, I didn’t move my maiden name to my middle name. I kept my middle name as well (which I also love) and then created a double-barrel surname with no hyphen. It has been an incredibly easy transition.

Post # 18
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

Please don’t sacrifice this aspect of your identity if you don’t 100% want to. He might have some feelings for a little bit but it’s guaranteed that he will move past it. I’d ask him to seriously consider changing his, and if he balks highlight how those feelings are the same ones you have. If he’s all pouty after that then I can’t help but feel like he is being intentionally manipulative and you might want to probe that about his personality a little more before marrying him. 

Post # 19
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

 

jas15 :  I agree with all PP that said if what he really wants is unity, he should be open to changing his name. I wouldn’t suggest hyphenating it since you mentioned you’re strongly attached to your name. 

I was in a similar situation and I almost went along with both FH and me combining our last names and hyphenating it but the more I thought about it, the more unhappy I became and I finally told him it’s not just that I’m against just me taking his last name, but that I’m also against the concept of hyphenating or even him taking my last name for that matter. He was okay with it. He said he only suggested other options since the reason I had given for not wanting to take on his name was that I found it very anti-feminist. So he thought I’d be okay with both of us changing our last names. I didn’t realize how attached I was to my name until the possibility of changing it came up. 

Post # 20
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

Yeah I agree with PPs – you are not being unreasonable wanting to keep your name for a) professional and/OR b) personal/emotional reasons. Its your name, your identity, that youve had for a very long time. If he so strongly feels the need for unity, he is welcome to change his.

Men are used to the “traditional” way.. If you do not want to go down that route, that’s fine and your perogative. Your Fiance will also get used to you not sharing a name. Don’t let him emotionally manipulate you into it. 

I am not enthused at all about changing my name, for both reasons above, so I probably won’t. Maybe I’ll change my name later when we have kids, maybe I won’t. SO seems ok with that, but he also won’t go against the “traditional/conventional norm” to take my name as a family name, so why should I have to give up mine?

Its the 21st Century. Time to make some new traditions in my view.

Post # 21
Member
6061 posts
Bee Keeper

 admitted it makes him a little sad that I don’t want to take his name because he wants that unity. Now I feel selfish and bad because really the only reason I want to keep me name is because I’m used to it. 

WHy is it never an option for HIM to change HIS name? Why does only the woman have to give up her identity and history? He’s bummed out but offers no alternative except that YOU cave to what he wants. Thats bullshit. 

Post # 22
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

jellybellynelly :  yeah…this annoys me in general. I’d let my boyf bum himself til the cows come home.. 

Post # 23
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

My SO supports my decision to not change my name, though he did express some disappointment by saying he thought taking his name was “romantic.” 

I told him that I could see that view, but our relationship has always been built more on the practical than the romantic, and I wasn’t going to change part of my identity because it’s romantic. 

So I say let him be a little disappointed. I’m sure there are choices he has made/will make that will disappoint you, but you will accept them, just as he will accept this if he supports you as he says he does. As other Bees have suggested, if he cares that much about “unity,” then he can change his name. But I am guessing he doesn’t want to change his name, in which case you shouldn’t feel selfish for making the same decision he is making. 

Post # 24
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Yeah… tell him while you also see why the idea of a shared name could be nice, maintaining your own personal identity is more important, but if he’d like to take your name he’s welcome to. Then if his response is “no, that would be so weird, I’ve been Mr. Hislastname for 30+ years (or whatever)” you can be like yup, it’s weird right? Isn’t it weird how men have just  been casually expecting women to negate their identities at the time of marriage for the sake of “family unity”? Also hi, welcome to feminism.

This reminds me of another conversation I had recently. For context, we’re in Canada where either 12 or 18 months of government-protected maternity/parental leave is standard. Historically this has been mostly time women took, but male partners are starting to sometimes split it. A friend of mine is planning to take 12 months and then have her male partner take six more months. He’s excited about this, but the other day suddenly freaked out that leaving the work force for six months would have an impact on his career progress.  Um… no shit sherlock, and this is what EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW WHO HAS A KID deals with.

Oh, also we’re trying to start a family and my husband somehow JUST found out how much daycare costs. This is information I’ve been researching, discussing with friends and career-planning around for 5+ years. I’m shocked he’s never had a conversation with anyone about this or googled it. 

Men suddenly confronting and being shocked by the shit we’ve been dealing with for years is both funny and exhausting, isn’t it?

 

 

Post # 25
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Girl, if it bums HIM out then HE can be the one to change his name. If HE isn’t comfortable with that, then it is HIS problem not yours. HE is just as capable of providing the “unity” HE so desires without forcing you to give up a major part of YOUR identity. If HE isn’t comfortable with that, then HE finally understands how you feel and should get over it. HE is just as able to change his name as you are. 

Don’t change a major decision that will affect you for the rest of your life based on whether he is bummed or not. That is not a good reason! Don’t compromise on your identity. If you want to keep your name, keep your name. 

Post # 26
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

denkyem :  That’s exactly what I did when he didn’t fully understand (at first) why I didn’t want to do it. I asked him if he’d change his last name to mine. He paused for a second and said it would be weird to have a different name. That made him realize what I was trying to get at. 

Post # 27
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2020

That Bummed out mine too when I told him I was keeping mine, I offered the option of  having the same last name by him taking my name and all the sudden he was ok with me keeping mine. Lol

Offer the option of him changing his name to yours and either he will or he will realize how silly it is he is “sad” over u keeping it. 

Post # 28
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

The first time this came up I told my partner I wasn’t changing my last name, but I’d take his last name as a second middle name ONLY if he’d take mine as a second middle name, or if he REALLY wanted to both hyphenate we could talk about that.  He was like… are you kidding me? Changing a name sounds like a huge hassle, why would either of us want to do that? End of conversation. 

Post # 29
Member
725 posts
Busy bee

 jas15 :  Perhaps he can go by your last name socially and keep his last name legally and professionally?

Post # 30
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

denkyem :  and imagine how much “easier” it is now for our generation compared to our Mothers’ even…

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