Want to keep my name but I can tell it bums out FH :(

posted 8 months ago in Traditions
Post # 31
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

This is entirely your decision, of course. I wouldn’t change mine if I didn’t want to because my husband was “bummed.” Like someone else said, that’s OK. He can be bummed. You don’t have to fix it. And please don’t feel “selfish and bad.” You are selfish for wanting to keep your name, but he isn’t selfish for wanting you to change it? It’s that engrained patriarchy at work. There is still a part of him that feels entitled to your name change and it upsets him that he’s not getting something that our culture has told him is his right as a man.

Post # 32
Member
1869 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Lots of women keep their maiden name professionally and change their name for everything else 

Post # 34
Member
549 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t read the rest of the comments, for lack of time, so this may have already been mentioned, but just in case… 

 

jas15 :  get two middle names. I LOVE my maiden name. And I am known in my industry by my middle name. I am also an elected official and people wouldn’t recognize my new name, but just like you my fiance (now hubby!) was bummed out that I might possibly not take his name. He only verbalized it once, but it was definitely a thing. 

 

I made my maiden name my second middle name and now I can go by either. It was super easy to do and I have had no issues, thus far. 

 

good luck!

 

Post # 35
Member
938 posts
Busy bee

I went through something extremely similar. It was more DH’s family that was upset about me wanting to keep my name that Darling Husband though.

In the end, I ended up doing FirstName MaidenName MarriedName (no hyphen). This allows me to use either last name individually (as long as it’s not on a legal document) or together. So, it allows me to use MaidenName at work but then my in-laws can call us “The MarriedNames.”

In retrospect though… I really wish I HADN’T changed my name at all and not given into the pressure of my in-laws. I’m sure they would have been disappointed for awhile or called us “The MarriedNames” despite it not actually being my last name, but the important part is that you are getting married. I might not regret it as much if we ever have kids as I would love them to have a shared last name with me… but for now, I just really wish I hadn’t. It was and continues to be a pain. Plus, as awful as this sounds, I still identify by my maiden name. I really don’t identify at all with my married name… and I’ve been married for over a year and a half now!

To each their own though. I hope you feel happy with whatever decision you make!

Post # 36
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

denkyem :  Thanks! It’s pretty indicative of the current environment that that suggestion is rarely offered relative to its analog, and that the problems aren’t typically symmetric (I don’t often seen a woman complaining vehemently on the board that her husband refuses to change his name to hers). In my case, both myself and my SO kept our names and there was no cultural pressure otherwise. Indeed, a name change would have been confusing professionally for both of us.

Post # 37
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

He’ll get over it. My husband was pretty upset about me not taking his name, he used to bring it up pretty regularly for the first few months after our wedding. Now he could care less, it never comes up. You two will bum each other out plenty over the course of your marriage. It’s just one of those things.

I think this is one of those “too bad, so sad” type of things. He’ll be okay 🙂

Post # 38
Member
711 posts
Busy bee

I was in the same boat. Achieved too much with my own (very unique) last name. I didn’t change it but go by his socially with his friends, and honestly it really hasn’t impacted my life. The first year of marriage he really pressured me, but I didn’t cave and now he accepts my choice. 

Also, my maiden last name is “ethnic” and I didn’t want to erase that part of my identity. Dh’s last name is very white/WASP. I love him and his last name, but that’s just not who I am. 

Post # 39
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

If you’re second guessing your decision, perhaps a compromise would help in the long run. Would you be comfortable with hyphenation? That way, both names will be represented. 

Post # 40
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

He’ll get over it. Does he even realize (pretty sure not) how much paperworks women needs to go through if she is changing her name? Don’t put yourself into that much trouble just because him feeling a bit ‘bum out’ unless you yourself actually want it. Echoing PPs, he can change his name and let him deal with all the paperwork himself.

Post # 41
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Fireman’s Pavillion

jas15 :  Don’t feel selfish for wanting to keep your last name. My Fiance wanted me to take his last name (the tradition was important to him), but I have publications and awards with my (extremely common) last name. I’m going to hyphenate my last name, but he’s said once or twice since then “you sure you haven’t changed your mind about the last name thing”. 

Its been a few months and he hasn’t brought it up again. I sincerely believe he’s gotten over it. Eventually, he will make peace with it, because at the end of the day you have each other. 

Post # 42
Member
1869 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Where I live your maiden name is still your legal name too? I go by my married name now, even though my passport is still in maiden name. However if I wanted to start using my maiden name again, I don’t have to get the name changed legally  

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