Post # 1
In my thread a few months back https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/want-to-try-for-second-child-but-husband-doesnt/
I wrote about my husband, and that he was unwilling to try for a second child following the trauma that he and I experienced when our first child was born.
We have been seeking medical advice, and we have been advised that the likelihood of complications, if we have another child, is higher than average. This has meant that he is even less willing to try for a second child now.
We have been to therapy together twice because he never opened up about it at the time, and nobody asked him how he was doing as everybody’s attention, including his, was on me as it was a medical emergency.
Would it be more sensible to look at other options like adoption? Should I wait to see if therapy makes any difference over the next year? We will be going for more therapy sessions to help him talk about his feelings and fears, but he may never change his mind and, naturally, I don’t want him to do something that is distressing for him.
I would love to have a second child, so it has been difficult to accept that it might not happen anymore, but I also want to focus on my husband as it has been extremely difficult for him to open up.
Post # 2
If you adopt, I hope you will be able to love the adopted child as much as you love your own child. I have seen it in my uncle’s family that the adopted child (the older daughter), was not treated as well as the biological child (the younger daughter). The mom was unable to conceive and they adopted, but later she was able to get pregnant, and then she started treating the adopted child differently.
Post # 3
What is wrong with your daughter being an only child?
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I’d say for now, concentrate on therapy. By the sounds of things, it could be very helpful for him and you don’t know how things might change once he’s worked through everything that happened. In a few months, see how you’re doing, but maybe have a discussion about adoption and see how he feels about that, and go from there.
Post # 5
I’m glad you’ve shifted your focus to helping your husband navigate his trauma rather than trying to convince him to have another baby. You’re doing the right thing.
Post # 6
limeandlemon : Is the purpose of therapy to have him change his mind?
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
limeandlemon : What is his take on adoption? Does he want a second child?
Post # 8
I only read your first post from the prior post not the entire six pages. However in that post you only say that he is not ready to try getting pregnant with a second child. You don’t specify whether he is personally ready for a second child coming into your life through any means right now. I apologize if you clarified that later on in the six pages since I didn’t go back to reread all six pages. So that’s the real question that needs to be answered in order for you to decide how you proceed.
You are correct though that the purpose of therapy isn’t to see if he’ll come around to the idea of you getting pregnant again. The only purpose of therapy is to help him process his feelings about the trauma that occurred and what the future now holds. However in light of your updated news, I would not be holding out any hope of him being willing to have biological children with you in which you are the person who will be pregnant, even with more therapy. So yes, you most likely will need to be researching Alternatives such as surrogacy and adoption. but you need to be asking more basic questions first.
Does he want more than one kid? He may have stopped considering having more than one kid as an option once he ruled out traditional pregnancy in his mind and only want one now.
If he does want more, is he ready for that to happen now or in the very near future that you start preparing for it now? He may very well not. He may need more time to sort through his feelings before feeling ready to take on additional children.
And then if and when he is ready for that what are the alternatives to traditional pregnancy that the two of you want to explore together.
Post # 9
claroquesi : No, of course not. The purpose is to enable him to talk about his fears and his feelings.
Post # 10
missmollybee : annabananabee : Yes, he wants a second child, too, but he is terrified that what happened the first time will happen again, and the medical advice we received is that the chances of complications are higher than average. Before our first child was born, he was sure he wanted two children. But the trauma that we went through has meant that he is unwilling for us to have a biological child again.
Post # 11
Have you talked about using a surrogate? That’s great you guys are working with a therapist..it sounds like you’ve both been through a lot!
Post # 12
That’s tough bee. I do think it’s time to at least start considering the other options while continuing therapy. You don’t have to decide today, this month, or even this year what you want to do as couple but I do think you need to be having a continuing conversation about what the options are.
Post # 13
whitums : We have only discussed adoption. My husband is open to it, although he did raise the concern that someone else mentioned above about having one adopted child and one biological child.
We have not discussed surrogacy. I am unsure about how realistic this option is in terms of costs and the legal complexities involved. We also do not know anyone who used a surrogate to be able to discuss what the experience was like.
Post # 14
I would let some time pass (perhaps 6 months minimum) and then broach the subject again. If he has anxiety from the previous experience he should deal with that with professional help regardless of whether you both want another child or not bc you may have other medical issues arise down the road that may be triggering for him to witness.
I wouldn’t bring up adoption or surrogacy just yet either as those situations bring their own set of stressors.
Post # 15
I’m surprised you’re still willing to try for a second child, knowing that the risk for complications is high. This is your health and safety we’re talking about; aren’t you concerned? I think your husband is right to be fearful. If you both decide that you really do want a second child, I hope you only consider options that don’t put you at risk, like adoption.