Post # 1
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
I have a dilema…
I started dating this man aboout a year and a half ago. When we started dating I asked him several questions and told him where I stand on lots of things. (I think I am a pretty straight shooter)
anyway, I explained to him my ex wanted to travel alone sometimes with his kids etc. this was one of the deal breakers for me when I left. It isn’t my thing. i am a very social and very couple type of person. The man I am dating now said he felt the same way. he wouldn’t want to travel without his partner.
so sfter 8 months into the realtionship he tells me that him and his business partner like to travel to vegas every other year for a guys trip. 3 or 4 days. and the years in between i am allowed to go & if I want to take a girls trip on my own that’s fine. He said he thought he could give it up when he heard how I felt but has come to realize he doesn’t want to give it up.
I am in such a dilema. I am now 1.5 years in and totally in love but am hurt and not sure I can live with this. I am frustrated as this is exactly what I was trying to avoid with the questions about things that are deal breakers to me. I even told him I am sick & tired of guys telling me what I want to hear to get me then they change after they get me & put me in these awful situations of love and uncompatibilty and I don’t know what to do.
any advice is greatly appreciated. I am so unsure of what I want to do.
Post # 3
Member
5517 posts
Bee Keeper
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
Your idea of never ever traveling alone blows my mind to be completely honest. You don’t want to allow your guy to take 1 guys trip every other year? THAT is a deal breaker for you? Why are you so clingy? Why would 4 days of your SO being away, having a good time with friends bother you so much? Do you have other issues that you are not stating? (i.e. he has cheated in the past on a buisness trip).. I understand being a couple-y type of person.. but 2 INDIVIDUALS need to be comfortable with themselves before they can benefit a relationship. Seriously, let him go and get over it. If this is your biggest problem, thank your lucky stars
Post # 4
Member
1658 posts
Bumble bee
Okay, you’re being kind of silly In My Humble Opinion. It’s just a couple of days where he and his guys need to get away. That’s 100% understandable. Men don’t want to feel smothered, so don’t smother them. If my Fiance wanted to go on a guys trip, I wouldn’t care. I’d take a trip with my girls then. And it’s not as if he is doing this all of the time, just every other year. Yea, he said he’d stop that but then he decided he didn’t want to stop doing that and that’s kind of crappy but everyone has the right to change their mind.
Stop worrying, stop freaking out. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. All this means is that he likes his trips to Vegas every other year with his friend and that is that.
Post # 5
Member
10844 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Personally, I think time apart is just as important as time together. You each should have time to foster relationship with friends outside of your relationship. Spending every moment together means risking losing yourself and your own individual identity. Four days every two years really isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, and I think taking that time for a girls trip is a great idea.
Post # 6
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
I guess I don’t see what the big deal is….. While he’s in Vegas, why don’t you go to the spa with girlfriends for a few days? I love spending time with DH, but when he goes out of town for work or play without me, I relish the time I get to spend in our house alone. I watch all of the cheezy movies that he’d hate. I clean out my closet. I go to dinner with friends that I haven’t seen in a while. It’s like a mini staycation for me! I think it’s healthy for couples to get their own time away from the relationship. If you love this guy, I think you need to break your rules.
Post # 7
Member
15210 posts
Honey Beekeeper
One trip every other year for 3-4 days does not sound like something to get that worked up about. Sorry, you are not ok with it, but I think its silly that he cant do this one little boys trip. If he wanted to do a week or two trip every year and it cut into vacations together, then I’d have a problem with it, but little weekend trip like that doesnt soudn bad at all.
And a boys trip is totally different from your ex taking a trip with his kids alone. Your ex’s trips sounds like a ‘family trip’ that he’s excluding you from, when you should have be a part of.
Post # 8
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
Not a big deal at all to me either. I encourage him to go away for weekends with his friends… I trust him, and know that nothing crazy /bad is going on.. but do you think maybe you don’t trust him and that is why you are scared?
Post # 9
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
I think you’re being a little clingy (unless there is something like cheating that we don’t know about). I would tell him to have fun and enjoy having the house to yourself! I secretly relish these nights when I can spend an evening in bed with pepsi, ruffle chips and fashion magazines with a scary face mask on 😉 As long as he still want to travel sometimes with you, I say no big deal.
Post # 10
Member
4822 posts
Honey bee
I am on the side that I think couples SHOULD take trips with their friends (within reason in regards to frequency and money).
Its important to maintain friendships and to have independence. My husband encourages me to go with my friends. I just went to a bachelorette in Vegas for 4 days, I also went home to visit my family for 10 days- all without him.
I think its healthy and shows both sides that you trust them and want them to have a good time. Its also important to not have your SO be your sole focus of life. Priority? yes, sole focus so that it starts to effect other relationships and your sense of self and independence? No.
Post # 11
Member
1195 posts
Bumble bee
Hmm yes I have to agree with the other ladies.
At first when you mentioned ‘traveling’ without your partner, I thought you meant like, I don’t know, a week or two in Europe or the Carribean or something, which would be weird. But a few days in another state with his friends? Shouldn’t be a deal breaker..
Post # 12
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@MrsNeutrino: agreed. As much as I hate to be away from my husband, sometimes, its unavoidable. Plus, I like taking weekend vacays every once in a while with gfs, and hubs likes to golf with the guys, so they will travel rarely over the weekend to play. Then, I have gfs over to keep me company.
I think you are being unrealistic. As long as the majority of your vacations are with each other, that’s all that should matter
Post # 13
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
I really appreciate all your honesty! & I’m hearing you and you are all probably right!
I think my issue is more we have hectic lives between work and kids and he has poker nights every other wednesday that he goes too.
most of our quality time is eaten up by work (espcially him, he is really busy right now & working late tonight too) and our kids sports. they play a lot!
also just annoys me when I was very upfront about where I stand on it. 🙁
Post # 14
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@tlr: try talking to him and seeing if you can carve out some one on one time every week. Even if that means he misses an occasional poker game to do it.
Post # 15
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
you have all helped a lot!! Thank you!!
You are right & I see that now.
Thanks!!
:O)
Post # 16
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
I wonder if maybe he thought you meant that in general, you like to take trips together. Maybe he didn’t quite get that you meant every single trip should be together… because honestly if a guy told me that he thought we should take all or most trips together, I’d agree, thinking that he meant 95% of the time, with an occasional girls’ trip being ok. I think it’s pretty unusual to require that he not go anywhere without you, so he may not have understood what you were getting at. If everything else is going well, I wouldn’t sweat this. As everyone else has said, I think a little time apart is healthy and good for a relationship.