Post # 1
Without trying to make this post extremely long with every detail of our relationship, I just was seeking some support/opinons on if I am completely crazy for realizing as soon as we got married that it was not right : (
Like does this happen? How do you even begin to tell fam/friends when all they want to talk about is how great the wedding was, and how is married life, etc?
We had been together for 7 years, lots of ups/downs, lots of things working against us, however we just stuck it through. As I said, without going through every detail, an idea of some of our troubles include me getting “engaged” by him running to the jewlers buying me a ring the day after he pushed me down in a drunk argument. I was not perfect either, and we just experienced a lot of negative situations. However, we had been truely dedicated to each other and always tried to make it better. We have tried couples therapy at two seperate points in our relationaship.
After an “engagment” of 4 years and some pressure, and the excitement of 10-10-10, I finally set the date and began planning. I got caught up in the idea of marriage and wedding planning. A week before the wedding I started having the “cold feet” questioning. I told him my feelings and it was just kind of brushed under. I knew I needed time for myself and was not ready. But as most brides say, how could they cancel the wedding? The embarassment, the money, etc.
Now its been over a month, and the past couple of weeks I am completely dreading being married. I feel I have had this revelation it was not right. I am dying and do not know what to do. Part of me thinks what if he is the one, and I let him go, and no one compares? Am I making a mistake letting him go? I have told him my feelings, and he is devestated, however he will not let me go, will not even do a month seperation trial or anything. He brings it up almost everyday causing arguments. I am suffocated!!!! Part of me is questioning whether I am crazy, or if this happens a lot of times to couples who kepy trying, got married, and now officially being married just proves it was wrong : (
Post # 3
I knew, too. I knew on the honeymoon that I had made a giant mistake. I felt such grief and overwhelming panic and I sympathize with you so much. I could tell deep down in my soul that this was not ‘jitters’ or ‘cold feet’ or even just trying to ‘get used to’ the idea of being married or something. I stayed for five years trying to make it right and honestly I resented my life a lot. I kick myself all the time because I wish I had just not gotten married at all or at least had just gotten it anulled right away instead of dragging it out and trying to make do.
If you know, you know. Sit somewhere, close your eyes, meditate on it and see what it is you really feel. If you feel that you made a mistake you will need to gather every ounce of courage and strength to separate for a bit and find a support system. During a separation you will really be able to evaluate your feelings I think, and whether or not you want to keep the marriage going. If you want, you can pm me.
Post # 4
Reading this note…makes me think that you need to find someone who knows you and is willing to counsel you. As bees, we can listen to you, but we can’t really see what is actually happening. Your description makes me feel like you only have two options settling in or moving out…and I think that there are a multitude of others… like communicating with your spouse…asking a friend who is responsible what they see about your relationship that’s good… or whether you are in an abusive relationship and need to get out now!
Post # 5
I don’t get it … you’ve been together for 7 years and engaged for 4 of those years and, suddenly, two words and a piece of paper make you feel suffocated? And, you talk about the embarassment and waste of money associated with cancelling a wedding … how about the cost of a divorce after being married a month? Isn’t divorcing after a month equally embarrassing?
Sounds like you need to revisit that relationship counselor. Good luck.
Post # 6
i’m so sorry you’re going through this. start seeing a therapist, who can help you sort through some of your emotions as an uninvolved third-party. maybe you’ll want to bring your husband to a few sessions later on, but you should really focus on yourself for now.
Post # 7
@BanditGirl: That was sensitive
I’m very sorry you are going through this. I second the relationship therapist idea. It sounds like you have a lot to work through in your relationship.
Post # 8
I too am really sorry that you are going through this….I have also been there and done that. I married my first husband after only knowing him for 6 months. I knew while I was doing it that it was a bad idea but I really wanted to prove everyone wrong. We made it two years before he finally made me admit that I wasn’t happy.
I don’t really have any great advice for you. Except to do some soul searching and do what is best for you, even if it really is difficult.
Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
Post # 9
It happens. I knew before I married my second husband that something wasn’t right and then chickened out. Then I went and married the guy anyway and immediately knew again it wasn’t right.Not one of my finer moments. It is easy to get caught up in the vision of how you want things to be and what they really are. Try to stay calm and think rationally – many of the bees here have offered some excellent suggestions. I stayed with my sig other for 20 years, many of them miserable, while waiting for things to improve. Obviously they didn’t – left me for a bar skank while I was grieving over the death of my child. Support from those you trust is very important and don’t be afraid to seek counseling.
Post # 10
Lady, I know crazy and you ain’t it.
Basically, I could make one of two suggestions right now. I could say that you need to ride it out, that it’s just the transition that’s freaking you out. I could also suggest that you are completely correct in being afraid that you are in over your head and should get out. Either way, I’d talk to a counselor ’cause it’s cheaper than divorce and will give some peace of mind that you at least tried.
PS, pushing you down is no bueno. But you already know that.
Post # 11
@mzminze: I dont have any answers for you and dont know what to say…but as PP have said…this DOES happen so dont feel like you are the only one.
Friends of mine were together TEN YEARS, got married and separated not even a year later.
Its sad but it happens.
Post # 12
It might be a good idea to talk to a counselor by yourself about how you’re feeling and how you want to proceed.
You say you’re feeling crazy – that’s not a place you want to make life altering decisions from. Don’t “do” anything until you feel like you’re coming from a place of calm and rational.
Post # 13
I agree that talking to someone is a good next step. You need to figure out exactly what you want. It sounds like your relationship has gone through it’s share of ups and downs. Whether this is just a bump in the road, or is a sign it’s time to move on, only you can tell. If things have gotten to where you actually feel like you want a trial seperation and he won’t agree to it, then you have to do what’s best for you. Maybe some time away would clear your head. Good luck in whatever you choose…my thoughts are with you.
Post # 14
I think you and your husband should seek counseling with a marriage counseling professional.
Just my 2 cents: good relationships are not that hard/don’t require constant hard work. You shouldn’t have to work all the time, to feel like you need to prove everyone wrong, to have lots of things “working against you” that you have to fight against. Things shouldn’t be that difficult if you are in a healthy relationship. I know 7 years is a long time, and I don’t know if this is a first love type situation, but I think you should take some time for yourself (maybe go away alone for a weekend, if that is possible) and think about your situation. We only have one life. Don’t stay with someone simply because they are what you know. Only you know what’s best for you. Good luck.
Post # 15
@kitzy: I agree. Professional help might ensure that you make the best decision.. they can offer a not biased point of view. Best wishes my dear! 🙂
Post # 16
I can understand where you’re coming from (sort of). You didn’t give very many details- for me I thought it was over when we started having HUGE issues with his family after the wedding. A quick recap: Aunt/rental vendor was mad about something and decided to bill my parents 2k out of spite. Checked my husband’s credit report- he had 12 k in debt he had no idea about. Turned out his parents opened cards in his name and maxed them out. His credit score was like a 492.
We were fighting constantly and I felt like we made a huge mistake. I knew we were headed for a divorce and was working out my exit strategy.
It was a tough 1.5 years- I was depressed and gained a lot of weight. To end an already too long story I never left because things got better. We came out of the storm and are better for it.
Talk to someone before making a decision.