Post # 1
We are both 25 and have good careers. We have been together for 5 years and I’m ready to get engaged. We’ve had the “talk” and he has agreed that he does want to marry me, but there hasn’t been any definite dates. I have voiced my opinions about our future, but I’m the only one who brings up marriage. It has gotten to the point where I feel like I’m pushing him to marry me – which is NOT a good feeling.
He’s a great guy and I know he loves me, I just really want that extra commitment. We’ve been living together for 3 years and I’ve moved to 2 cities for him because of his job. He says it will happen one day and I need to be patient, but right now I’m starting to feel resentful. I’ve shown him rings I like and all he says is that “they’re nice”. It also doesn’t help that my family and friends keep asking me when we will be married.
Sorry for the long post, I’m just upset right now. Has anyone gone through something similar so I know I’m not alone? Am I being annoying and crazy? Should I just be happy and enjoy our relationship? Thanks in advance.
Post # 2
Are you able to discuss timelines, including when you want to be married by (not engaged but the date you envision your wedding) and when you want TTC.
It’s not the talk until you discuss these things. You have to be open and frank with him because ultimately, he can’t read your mind. If you do that, it may get the wind in his sails and he may action the timeline.
It is normal to feel resentful. I’m 25 too and wondering where my engagement is, but I feel like I need to trust the process and most importantly the man I am willing to spend the rest of my life with.
Post # 3
I think it is quite reasonable to feel as you do. One thing that stands out in your post is his saying “ it will happen one day” . My h. uses this kind of passive phraseology on occasion ( his phrase is “let’s see what happens) and it drives me crazy. What is he thinking, it will descend upon him from the heavens?
Telling you to “be patient” is even worse. So , you have to wait until whatever it takes happens to him? Frankly l’d tell him you are beginning to feel as if he thinks he is in sole charge of your future and your only role is to wait upon some ephemeral precipitating event. That you resent this and don’t want to continue feeling this way.
Then lay out what you really want and ask him to think about it and get back to you if he’s thrown by the prospect of instant decision making. I speak of what l know OP. !
Post # 4
zoebunbun : Honestly, we haven’t really talked about future wedding date – only how it may look, venues, etc. And we haven’t talked about when we want kids, just that we want them “one day”. And we only talk about it whenever I bring it up so I don’t anymore because I feel like I’m forcing it!
Post # 5
elderbee : Thank you for the much needed advice! I’m definitely going to sit down and have this talk with him. I want to feel like this is a partnership!
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
Definitely, definitely a timeline talk. You can start by asking what his expectations are about the proposal, the wedding – he may think you need a huge surprise and a Pinterest-worthy moment, or he may think you can pull together a wedding in a few months like you would a restaurant birthday party. I remember watching Say Yes To The Dress once with my partner and he legit thought it was made-up TV drama that ordering a traditional wedding dress can take six months or more! Discuss the specifics around biology if you want kids, as well as your hopes/dreams/needs when it comes to an actual wedding. Prepare for compromise. Then, give him some time to digest the convo without bringing it up for a few days. This isn’t “pushing,” it’s open communication. If he’s the right dude for you, it’s just one in a long string of many big decicions made as a social unit.
Post # 7
This! My boyfriend and I have been talking more seriously about marriage the last few months. We have ordered the ring, but he wants to keep the proposal a secret.
Last week, we talked about it again. I don’t remember the context, but I told him that “you just don’t go and get married”. Just the legal part takes a few weeks to get the documents ready (in Denmark). I told him it was not unusual to be engaged for a year or more and that usually there was a bit of planning. He was actually almost shocked. He thoght it was like when we had our son christened where you book the church a few weeks ahead. He is a smart man, so I thought he knew about this kind of stuff. Apparently he didn’t 😄