Wanting close friend to be in wedding/fiance issues

posted 2 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3487 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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chloeb :  you don’t need your fiancée permission do you? 

in the UK it’s standard for couples to pay for the dress, hair, make up etc 

Post # 4
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

I’m assuming in my answer that you can afford this, but your fiancé doesn’t consider this a good use of funds.

If I were in your shoes, I would try once more to very seriously get your fiancé on board with paying your friend’s expenses. If he weren’t, I would do it anyway.

 

I can’t speak to the dynamic in your relationship, but my best friend is as close to me as could be and I wouldn’t be able to let money stand in the way of sharing this experience with her. I routinely treat my best friend to trips, dinners, vacations, event tickets, etc. because we are in different financial situations and I want to share these things with her without straining her financially. We come from the same circumstances/background and I know she would do the same for me if things had turned out differently.

 

I hope that your fiancé isn’t being stingy and simply doesn’t understand how important this is to you. If he does understand how important it is, and still wants to resist this, that’s another issue entirely.

Post # 5
Member
3487 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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chloeb :  it’s still your money though right – spend it on what you want.

yes you have to be on the same page but even with sharing finances what money is your is yours 

Post # 6
Member
5818 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

 

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chloeb :  if she already said no I would not ask her again while offering to pay for her dress, makeup etc. She might get offended.

since the wedding is in December she would have had plenty of time to save up some money for a dress, and could have done her own makeup /hair. I just think she prefers not to be in the wedding party for her own reasons. Hopefully she can still attend as a guest.

Post # 7
Member
4912 posts
Honey bee

So, your new shared financial agreement is that each of you disclose any purchase you’re thinking of making and the other person gets to veto it for any reason whatsoever, including just not liking that particular thing? So he wants to buy a pair of shoes or a video game or equipment for whatever hobby he engages in, he has to bring that to you for your approval first? And vice versa?

Cuz that seems like the fast track to a lot of fights about money in the near future. The two of you have made no agreement whatsoever to allow yourselves personal fun money to use at your own discretion?

For what it’s worth, I’ve always been in agreement with the way the UK does things in regards to their bridal party. I’ve always thought it was very stupid that in most of North America, that I’m aware of, we ask our nearest and dearest to be with us and then pick out what clothes they have to wear and very often also ask for hair and makeup and then charge them for the privilege of doing that. I’ve always believed that if you’re going to have expenses for your bridal party, then you should be the one picking them up because really the whole thing is for you. Nobody else has made happy by having matching dresses or what not because it doesn’t matter to anybody else. So I’m all in favor of paying for your friend. In fact you should probably be paying for all of them.

Post # 8
Member
10259 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’d tell him he doesn’t get a veto power on this. It’s important to you, it’s your money, and your friend. He gave his opinion but you don’t need his permission.

Post # 11
Member
3487 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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annabananabee :  yes! The general rule in the UK is she who says pays. If the bride wants a particular dress then she pays for it. If she is giving total free choice to her bridesmaids then she can ask them to pay. 

Post # 12
Member
13067 posts
Honey Beekeeper

” He said he doesn’t believe in spending money on a friend for fun things. He’s not the type of person to cover a friend’s ticket for a sporting event, concert, movies etc.”

Tell him this is a once in a lifetime occasion and that it is very important to you. This is not remotely on the same level as paying  a friend’s way on a routine basis for a movie or concert.

He doesn’t have to agree but he also doesn’t get to tell you whether or not you can do this. If he does, and you can afford this, I’d consider it a red flag. 

Post # 13
Bee
5093 posts
Bee Keeper

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chloeb :  Do you have any siblings? If you dont, you can tell him this friend is like a sibling to you, so you’re paying for her stuff.

I don’t think much of your financial agreement. Frankly it’s very poorly thought-out. Combining finances does not mean that one partner gets to veto the other because he doesn’t see the value. There has to be more leeway. You’re not talking about thousands of dollars here, just a dress, hair and makeup. This expenditure isnt worth your fiance drawing an arbitrary line based on his own logic that a lot of people don’t agree with.

Post # 14
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should pay for her if you want to, not his money, not his friend and if you can afford it without making sacrifices or getting into financial difficult I see no reason for him to stop you. Sharing finances doesn’t mean you only spend your money on things you partner sees as “worth” it, if that was the case then my fiancée wouldn’t have half of the stuff she has because I don’t see the point in spending £500 on another bike for example, or £800 on an Apple Watch. Our agreement is that if she can afford it and it doesn’t affect our shared goals or financial stability then she can buy it and vice versa. What you’re describing is needing permission, not shared finances imo. 

Post # 15
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

I strongly suggest that you rearrange your shared finances so that each of you gets an allowance you can spend as you like. Otherwise, you’ll have to ask him for everything you ever want, and he should be asking you in the same way.

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