Wanting close friend to be in wedding/fiance issues

posted 3 days ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee

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chloeb :  He doesn’t have to believe in it, he just has to respect that you are an autonomous human being who has different beliefs and the right to spend your share of the discretionary money, however the two of you compromise and agree to define that, as you see fit.  If he doesn’t believe in it, then that’s fine because no one is forcing him to do it for his friends.

Sharing finances doesn’t mean sharing a brain and belief systems.  You don’t merge into one person.  But you need to be able to work out a better plan for how you’ll handle non-joint purchases that aren’t for the benefit of the entire family and learn to respect each others beliefs instead of one person’s beliefs trumping the other’s (again, this is assuming you are financially in the position to help the friend).

Post # 17
Member
406 posts
Helper bee

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chloeb :  Really need more information to judge this. It does seem like you Fi is being petty and tight here, but if money is really tight then I could see his side.

Post # 18
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think you two need a finance talk in general. Like another bee said you both need allowances that each of you get to spend independently of each other. For me and my husband $1,000 or more is when we need to check in with each other about what we are buying. Talk it through, come up with your own guidelines as a couple that you BOTH are happy with. You need that regardless of this situation. 

Post # 19
Member
6783 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP- are you seriously just going to forego potentially having your friend stand up with you because your Fiance has a different perspective about how he would use his money? You sound like you asked him for permission; however, you are a grown woman and do not need his permission to use your money. If both of you have fallen into the mistaken assumption that you do, then you need to revisit your agreement. He gave you his opinion, you thought it over, you still want your friend there. Thank him for his perspective and make it clear to him that you will be inviting your friend to stand up with you. Then make a budget for what you can afford and stay within the budget.

Post # 20
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

FH and I pitch into a small joint account for joint expenses. Everything else we keep separate.

If your FH has a hard rule about spending money on friends vs family, that’s fine. He can spend his money how he wants. If this friend is like a sister to you, and the thought of not having her by your side makes you sad, then you should be able to use your own separate funds for her.

If you feel this strongly about it, it would be nice of FH to compromise for your one special day and let you use joint funds. At the moment, your FH is putting his own personal philosophy above your feelings. What does he have to lose if he makes this one exception? A few hundred dollars? If you’re able to afford a full scale wedding, that’s not a huge price to pay to make your future wife happy. This could turn into a lot of resentment on your part.

If you join all your money, you’re going to run into money disagreements over and over again. 

Post # 21
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

In your position I’d treat her dress and hair/makeup expenses as part of the wedding budget, my fiance’s opinion on it be damned. Your wedding is not a trivial fun thing like a movie or a concert. You’re looking at not having a woman you describe as family standing beside you on your wedding day because your fiance has arbitrarily decided that “real” family is where he draws the line on paying for her bridesmaid expenses. If he wouldn’t object if it was for your sister, he has no reason to object to a very close friend. Some of your family is chosen, and it sounds like this friend is one of those people for you.

If you give in and let him dictate this, do you honestly think you won’t deeply regret that? It’s your money. You decide whether this is worth it to you.

Post # 22
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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chloeb :  I think this speaks a lot to your fiance more than anything. I’m not suggesting he is a bad guy by any means just odd that he takes such a strong black and white stance on who it is acceptable to help out in a time of need or special occasion such as your wedding and who isn’t. You clearly consider this close friend family and that’s not up to him who you consider part of YOUR family.

 

If you consider her family she is family. Is your fiance always focused on semantics or is this a one off? Family is about love and not blood. Lets put it this way if this was a sibling you were talking about instead of a friend but this sibling was a very toxic person while this friend you hung out with all the time and showed she was continually there for you would he still “allow” you for lack of a better word to help out your sibling over your friend because technically speaking your sibling is family. 

I would definitely talk to him and calmly explain all your reasons you want to help this friend out and why you consider her family. Although honestly if you are marrying this man he should already understand how important she is to you and why she is important.

Post # 23
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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Brideordie :  If money is tight then I can definitely see his side but because of the some reason that money is tight not because a friend automatically can’t be considered as family or because a friend isn’t deemed worthy of help. If money is tight that should mean money is tight across the board whether it is friend/sibling. By The Way this dude sounds like he makes a wonderful friend. Dude invites friend and cousin out to dinner. They both agree and say yes. Friend calls him up the day before and says something like im sorry i can’t afford dinner my spouse’s hours just got cut at work and I simply can’t afford it. Cousin calls up and says he can’t afford it because he just frivolously spent money on a video game.

I’m just picturing this guy with his clear black and white thinking thinking it over for a sec and saying oh cuz no problem because of genetics you are family I’ll cover your meal. Friend too bad about your spouse’s job situation but because of genetics I can’t help you out bro. Guess you’ll have to miss out.

Post # 24
Member
4607 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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chloeb :  soooo he’s totally  OK with friends spending money for his event and to participate in his wedding but he won’t return the favour in covering their cost if they can’t afford to participate??!!

I’d be upset too OP! It would really make me question my choice of partner.

Either way I would not ask your friend again because she may have used finances as an excuse to cover her original reason for opting out. I would put her in a position that she would feel pressured to participate. 

Post # 25
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

How does your FH feel about giving in general? As a generous person myself it is very important to me to be with a fellow generous human. At a minimum, he should respect you as your own human who does like to treat her friends. No one is making him be generous with his friends. Honestly I am more generous with my friends than family. But my family doesn’t really need help. Are you two just scraping by or do you have plenty of discretionary money? If he knows how important having her there is to you and you can easily afford to pay for her, him saying no because she isn’t family seems like he doesn’t care about you or your feelings and what you want or what is important to you.

I do find it odd that he is so black and white about this. There are family and friends that I would help out or just enjoy treating. But there are also family members that I wouldn’t help out. The relation has nothing to do with it. Your friend doesn’t seem like an irresponsible drug addict or someone who there would be a valid reason to not treat. At the end of the day, it’s important to you for her to be there and you can afford to so you are.

When you approached this with him did you ask permission or inform him of what you wanted? “I would really like X to be a part of our wedding, it means the world to me that she be beside me and her not being there would ruin the day. She obviously can’t afford it so since it is important to me that she be there I was going to offer to pay for her.”

Post # 26
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

I thin there is a lot going on in your financial agreement with your fiancee and a lot that i find deeply disturbing in his narrow definition of family.

But setting that aside, if you as a unit (and he shouldn’t just get a veto on your financial decisions) don’t want to pay for these components of the wedding, is there any way you could simply not have the people in your wedding party dress in a style that requires them to spend money on new clothes/hair/makeup? I’ve been a part of a number of weddings where the wedding party was just told to “dress nicely” and I did the same for my wedding party (no set hair, no set clothes, no makeup person) so the cost of being in the party was just the cost of coming to the wedding.

(Of course if your frriend can’t afford to come that might still require furhter supplementation)

Post # 27
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

 

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TwilightRarity :  +1,000.

OP, I would absolutely cover your friend. Your fiance does not get to dictate how you spend your money in this situation. For future situations, get something established per other PPs suggestions. Both parties in a marriage should always have their own discrectionary money to spend as they like with no questions asked/no permission needed. Set the upper limit that you are both comfortable with.

 

 

 

Post # 28
Member
1836 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

OP there’s something about your FI’s point of view that makes me question his ability to have compassion for another human being.  I personally can’t be bothered by people like this.

Sometimes your friends ARE your family….even moreso than blood.  Just because he hasn’t experienced that doesn’t mean the opportunity won’t arise.  Let’s just hope he learns the lesson.

Post # 29
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry but your fiance sounds like a shitty friend to be around. Friends are the family we get to choose and a wedding in itself is a frivolous and unnecessary thing. The courthouse costs next to nothing, everything else is purely for fun and making memories. I never understood why people should pay for bridesmaid stuff anyway because they have little to zero input in those purchases anyway. 

It’s one thing if your friend had money issues due to unwise spending habits, but if she’s putting herself through school and simply can’t afford extras, that’s a different story to me.

I agree with PP that you have to figure out finances before going further because those conversations will come up more and more. It is YOUR money, and if he’s not willing to spend on this, what else is frivolous in his mind? Paying for kid’s extracurricular activities? Traveling? Upgrading furniture? Necessity a relative concept… You have things to talk about.

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