(Closed) wanting fiance to take back name.. he has kids

posted 6 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

How old are the kids? I feel like unless they’re too little to understand, they shouldn’t be forced to change the name they’ve always lived with unless they want to.

ETA: Just to be clear, I think it’s completely fine if your Fiance wants to change his name and give the new last name to any future children. I just don’t think the current children should be forced to change their names if they don’t want to.

Post # 4
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think that you should take (and have your child take) the names that are more positive and meaningful to you! I vote that both you and your son should have the last name Sjolie!

(However, I might be a minority on this debate…considering I am keeping my last name and when Fiance and I have children, they will have a ‘blended’ last name of his and my last names.)

Post # 5
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

It would be very difficult to change the children’s names withouth the ex wife’s permission, even then it takes a court order (depending on what state you are in). If she fights it and they are already in school, it would be very hard to get that approved for the reasons you posted. (This is my research from having a child with a deadbeat dad and looking to change her name, each state is different though).

I would suck it up and go with the name your Fiance was raised with.

Post # 7
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

why do his children with his ex need to change their name? with all the divorces, there are TONS of kids who do not share the same name as their moms, so why can’t his kids have a different last name than their dad? I think you, your Fiance and your son should change your name and let the other kids decide when they are 18.

 

*I’ve never had the same last name as my mom or my brother (half brother, but consider full brother) and it didn’t make us any less family, ditto I don’t have the same name as my Darling Husband.

Post # 8
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Darling Husband has a similar situation. His mother was adopted by her aunt who, when she married created this weird hybbrid of her maiden name and her husbands name. 

Of course DH’s mother took this “hybrid” name and passed it along to Darling Husband. I’m a stickler for tradition so I feel like this hybrid name is just made up and not a REAL name. 

Darling Husband and I contemplated to going back to the family name (grandfather’s lastname, great aunts and grandmother’s maiden name, mother’s rightful name) but it just isn’t feasible right now. I’ve let it go but it does bother me still.

In your case however, I don’t think it would be so much of a hassle, but I understand where your Darling Husband is coming from if he wants to have the same name as his children. What a frustrating thing to deal with! I feel your pain, trust me.  It’s an awkward subject. I’ve decidd to be proud of our name and try to forget the dysfunction that led up to us having this name

Post # 9
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I honestly don’t think you will be able to get your future step children’s name changed.

However, I think it would be lovely for you, your FH, and your future child to share the new last name. If you are all in agreement to do that, then I see nothing to stop you.

FWIW, you can give your child the last name Sjolie, even if you & your husband do not have that last name.

Post # 10
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@ms.melli:  i think that if your fi wants to change his name, then he should.  as for his children, he may have a tougher time convincing the mother than his children.

i am just curious, if your fi really didn’t have much to do with his step-father since he was 10, why is the ex-wife so chummy with him????  are the children close to him too?

Post # 11
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Agree with others that you will not be able to change the children’s names without their mother’s permission, and I don’t see any reason why she would agree. I also very much doubt the court would ask the kid’s opinions seeing as they are minors. 

I think your husband’s only option is to change his name and leave the other kids name as is. Honestly, I think that would lead to some resentment on his kid’s part that he chose his son with you over them. I also think it would create a rift between the siblings. Can you use “sjolie” as your child’s middle name instead so that your husband’s roots are reflected in your son’s name? I think its only fair to his kids that you leave the last name as is.

 

Post # 12
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

I don’t see why the other kids need to change their name. Their mom has probably kept the last name Waters (rather than reverting to her maiden name) so that she could have the same last name as her kids, so trying to change their name now would mess that up and leave her as the only one with that last name. She’s not going to change her name to Sjolie, obviously, so then she’d be kind of left out… I think you and your Fiance and the baby can have whatever name you want, but I would leave it up to his other children to decide if they want to change their last name. They may not want to now, but they can always change it later in life if they want to. My high school Boyfriend or Best Friend changed his last name when his mom remarried, because his previous stepdad was a bad guy, and he didn’t want to be associated with him anymore. But that was his decision, not something the adults picked for him.

Post # 13
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

From the perspective of a divorced mother, I can tell you with a 100% certainty that you wouldn’t be able to change the children’s names without thier mother’s permission and a court order. Given thier ages, I doubt a judge would allow it either. Additionally, being that they live with thier mother, I’d be willing to bet she only kept the married name because of the kids. I kept my married name because of our boys (which really gets under the new wifes skin, why I don’t know… she’s asked him repeatedly to “force me to change it”. It’ll change when I get married.)

You, and your son, can still have that name. It can be hyphenated, or simply Sjolie whilst your FH waits and goes through the (lengthy) process to change his name. Understand also, from a legal and creditworthiness standpoint, he’s going to encounter many, many troubles from that change. He’ll have to furnish that name change court order each and every time he applies for credit, when changing his license, the works… and it will cause you troubles. 

Also from a “have kids with an ex” stand point, I’d be mortified if my ex changed his last name and the kids were suddenly different. His born name or not, it has shaped his and the children’s identity for the duration of thier lives. 

Ultimately, I’d think the best solution would be hyphenating, and to give your son just Sjolie.

Post # 15
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Dang, lots of angst about the ex!

As a child of divorced parents, I would be really hurt and resentful if my parent went and changed his last name with his new wife and child. Dramatic maybe but true… You want yalls name to bind you as a family but he already has kids that are his family too. I love the suggestion from earlier about making Sjolie the baby’s middle name though, or yours and the baby’s (or with a hyphen).

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