(Closed) “wanting her out”

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

It’s a really personal decision but if it were me, in the most non-aggressive way, approach (not attack because she will be on the defensive and that would be counterproductive) her and say that you really want her to be a part of your day but that she seems to be resentful/resistant.  Say that you understand that being a bridesmaid is both a time and monetary commitment and while she said yes, you’d understand if she’d prefer to step down and celebrate the day as one of your guests.  Put the ball in her court – you don’t need the stress of trying to read her or going back and forth on the cost of a flower girl dress.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I recently had a similar problem. I invited a friend of about eight years to be a bridesmaid and her son to be the ring bearer.

She was resentful because I didn’t ask her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor after I was her Maid/Matron of Honor last year, and she seemed to try to make everything about her. She argued with every decision I made and even expected me to pay for her and her son’s wedding attire.

Eventually we got to our breaking point. I didn’t want to boot her out because I didn’t think that was fair after asking her to be in  my wedding. So I simply told her I would understand if the financial stress and regular stress was too much to handle and would all right if she stepped down.

The end result was that she pulled her son out of the wedding but still opted to be a bridesmaid. I’ve since made it a point to keep wedding details to a minimum with her. I told her that all she needs to do is buy the dress and show up on time. Actually, it seems to be working out this way…however the dress situation is another story! LoL

Best of luck!

Post # 6
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s a misconception to think that just because someone is "well off" means she doesn’t pinch pennies. The cheapest people I’ve known throughout my life have always had the largest bank accounts. Don’t ask me – I don’t get it!

With that said, sorry to hear you are having these troubles. What a pain! I think other posters gave some good advice.  With 8 months to go, you still have time to work this out. Confront her now (nicely and calmly) and ask what she would like to do, given the financial burden, etc. Best of luck!   

 

Post # 7
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

I love pinwheelspoprocks response.  I think an opt-out, no questions asked policy is a good one.  And really, while she may SEEM "well off" to you, she may not really be.  Hell, some people have told me I’m well off because I keep a very neat house….I’m a frickin’ social worker….I’m DEFINITELY not well off and live paycheck to paycheck.  I just have OCD issues, haha.  Unless you’ve seen her bank statement, you don’t really know how "well off" she is.  Give her the opportunity to step down, but do NOT resent her if she decides to do so.  She may be very relieved.  You never know what other people are going through, but they shouldn’t ruin your day because of it.  This may be such a blessing for her and make your friendship stronger in the long run.  I guess I feel for her because I’m so not the bridesmaid type and I hate doing it……but even given that, NO ONE has a right to make you feel bad about your wedding day when you’re being totally reasonable.  I WISH 300 dollars was the most i had to spend on a wedding!

Post # 8
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

maybe she overspent on her wedding?  however, spending that much on a wedding isn’t unreasonable, especially since your family is picking up the hotel!  My sister doesn’t make much $ and has huge student loans, and she is still buying her own dress, paying for her own hotel & her 2 girls are flowergirls…although, I did go "cheap" on the Flower Girl dresses, and we are going to add a sash…

Post # 10
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2008

Learn from my mistake… My flaky friend of 8 years was showing serious signs of not being involved from the beginning.  I ended up having to tell her not to be in the wedding because she wouldn’t take the option to step down.  She was pulling the money card, then got pregnant.  Last straw was when she couldn’t even show up to my bachelorette party.  Everything was about her and her pregnancy and she couldn’t give any of her attention to my wedding.  It’s very sad, but I couldn’t be worrying about her showing up on the day of my wedding.  She must have taken it badly, even though I tried my best to not be mean about the situation.  I said she was still invited as a guest…but that it would just be better if she was not in the wedding.  Unfortuneatly, I think it may have ended the friendship.  Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do to make the situation resolve cleanly.  Take care of it now… don’t wait and hope things get better like I did.

Post # 11
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’d definitely talk to her.  There’s nothign worse than having very important pictures of you taken with people you no longer like/respect in them.  My SIL and one of her bridesmaids had a falling out a month or so after the wedding (her bridesmaid resented her and said she was being a terrible friend and not paying any attention to her and etc.).  My SIL has told me that since she was told all that by her that it’s hard to look at her group wedding pictures in the same way.  Take some action before it’s too late.

Post # 12
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I think it’s ironic that she is sure you have lots of money and that you are sure she has lots of money. I agree with the the earlier post that you never know people’s real life situations and you should never assume.  It sounds like from your description that this is someone you should have never asked in the first place cause it doesn’t sound like you like her very much. Bridesmaids should be your best friends in the world and this just doesn’t sound like that.  It is incredibly generous of you to be paying for the hotel room though.  I’d say the next time she brings up cost in any way just say you know being a bridesmaid can be a big burden and you understand if she’d like to just be a guest. 

Post # 13
Member
38 posts
Newbee

Maybe you could work something out with here where instead of your parents paying for their hotel room, they can cover the flower girl dress and/or her dress and they do the hotel rooms, she might feel better about paying for that even though it may come around to the same cost.  It may also help her feel like she has more options as far as the hotel goes.

Also, have you heard of http://www.gagas.com  you can actually rent flower girl dresses and groomsmen tuxes there.  It has been a HUGE lifesaver for me.  My aunt has three of her kids in my wedding (2 flower girls and a ring bearer)  The ring bearers tux alone was going to cost $100 through the men’s warehouse.  I was able to find something really similar to what I was gonna get with MW and 2 flower girl dresses for a three week rental all under $100!  Maybe that would be a good option.  

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