(Closed) Wanting it to be a surprise rant

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
200 posts
Helper bee

I COMPLETELY agree with you.  Honestly, I didn’t wait very long, but we were at that level early on in the relationship.  We were close to one year when he kept dropping hints that made me think he was going to propose right before then.  Never happened and I kept waiting.  Several discussions and many tears later, I got the “I want it to be special and a surprise” line.  Dudeee…it would have been several months ago, but no longer.  When the proposal finally happened, it was on the couch, spur of the moment, with crappy tv on and me in my pjs.  He didn’t even get down on one knee.  I can’t lie, I was a little disappointed with it but in the end, I am very happy that we are on our way toward being husband and wife.

I ditto the OP.  Guys, DON’T DO THAT. 

Post # 3
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I totally agree. My boyfriend and I went ring shopping this past weekend, and afterward he literally said “I’m going to tell you when I’m going to propose [as in the weekend/night] because otherwise it’lldrive you crazy.”

I’ve never been more grateful. 

Post # 4
54 posts
Worker bee

Totally agree! I’m still at the point where my boyfriend could surprise me with a proposal, but we literally just started talking about it a month ago. His uncle is a jeweler, so my pinterest board will be plenty for my boyfriend to know exactly what I’m looking for and make it happen. He’s seen it, I’ve shown him the exact diamond I’m currently drooling over at James Allen, and from here on out, I’m going to try to let it be up to him. Does it mean that I haven’t checked the website every day to see if my diamond-love has been purchased? Oh no… I’ve been checking. 🙂 I won’t know whether to feel excited or heartbroken if it disappears! 

My boyfriend is going to follow through on getting me exactly the ring I’ve dreamed of and put together a beautiful proposal, I’m sure… but I’m afraid he will also get hung up on the dreaming process, or the waiting for a raise issue, or the after we live together for a while phase. For now, I’m content to let it be a surprise. Six months from now… a year from now? It will have been 2 years plus, and our almost-30 year old selves will be having the chat that takes away the suspense. 

Post # 5
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

pinup8princess :  Good stuff. The only thing I’d add is that a relationship is not just one person calling all the shots. If you’re with someone and want to marry them, don’t just sit on your hands and wait for them to decide your future. It seems like so many women who are “waiting” are terrified of somehow changing their partner’s willingness to be with them by talking about, you know, wanting to be with them. I also think so much of the cultural narrative of “it’s a surprise but also exactly what you want, and one of the most important things of your whole life” is ridiculous and causes a lot of strife all around. People get so wrapped up in having a pinterest-worthy moment that they forget why agreeing to marry is significant in the first place.

My Fiance and I planned our “proposal” together after many conversations about when we wanted to get married. We picked out my ring (and I picked out a few surprise gifts for him), set aside a weekend just for us, booked a table at a nice restaurant to celebrate and stocked our fridge with champagne. All that and he still managed to catch me off guard while I was putting away groceries!

Post # 7
142 posts
Blushing bee

I need to make my boyfriend read this. I’m slowly losing my boner over marrying him. Soon enough I’m not going to even care and that will ruin the moment more than knowing when the moment will be. 

Post # 9
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Speck_ :  +1 to everything that you said.  I was one of those women who was waiting forever while he said “just wait, just trust me” and it was SO FRUSTRATING to feel like this important part of our lives wasn’t a joint decision.  I’m soured on the concept of proposals based on the whole experience.

Marriage is great though.  I’ve been married for years and I highly recomend that part.

Post # 10
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Beach

Oh my god! This is so true! I would have liked to not have been wearing my worn out coat, old tennis shoes and standing there with my big purse. My friend said the same thing it took so long she wasn’t even excited and when you are together for so long you start getting into shit is real stuff. 

Post # 11
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I completely agree! A proposal story is great, but when you’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 4, have a house, 2 kids, a dog, etc…, it’s time to stop waiting for the magic proposal. Go to the Jewelers together – buy a ring – put it on. You’re engaged! Ta da!

Post # 12
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Beach

moonzie :  oh and Mark gungor says women like something to look forward to like a concrete date this will happen. When did it turn into a surprise thing? That’s a terrible idea

Post # 13
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Blame a very outdated/annoying culture sadly. 

Post # 14
770 posts
Busy bee

pinup8princess :  I totally agree. Up and down, left and right. I didn’t have a long wait, but I saw the ring before my fiance. He was in training on a military base, so it was shipped to me for safety. I tried it on to make sure it fit, oggled over it for a while, then put it back in the box. I hate surprises honestly. Hate them. I just wanted him to get down on one knee in the 1 week he was home on leave so we could start planning. The proposal is not important to me. He missed so many good moments because he thought there would be a better one. Then he proposed in the car sitting in the driveway. I loved it anyways, but I was frustrated that he wouldn’t just do it!

I love him so much though and he is perfectly awkward and oblivious.

Post # 15
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Im going to interject for a second and play devils advocate.

My Fiance had waited to propose for a couple of months after having the ring becasue he had orginally told me he wanted it to be a “surprise” and “special.”

as we have been planning the wedding we have chatted about that a little bit and it has come out that there were a couple of moments where he wanted to do it but the moment didnt seem right, or the day was off and he admitted that he was nervous when he proposed finally.

We have been together 5 years and lived together for 2. I didnt think it would be a nervous thing for him to propose becasue he KNEW i was going to say yes. However, he was.

He had used the “surprise” excuse as a front becasue he felt weird being nervous about proposing to me.

He ended up proposing to me halfway through our vacation . He had been carrying the ring around in his pocket the whole time. He really didnt have anything PLANNED.

does this make sense?

i guess im saying is, sometimes the surprise angle is just nerves

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