Post # 1
I’m just here to having a rant. I didn’t think I was one to write these kind of posts but after reading a thread I was kind of inspired to.
Surprises can be fantastic things. No doubt about it. But there comes a point in time where it’s just not a surprise anymore. When you’ve dated for years, discussed getting married, looked at rings, talked about venues and wedding details and set a time frame a proposal really isn’t a surprise anymore. Yes, the little details like the time of day and the location it occurs can be a surprise. But overall it’s NOT a surprise because we are expecting it and we know it’s going to happen sometime soon.
I will never understand why men keep us waiting just so it can be a surprise when we have already picked out a ring and agreed on all the details of our hypothetical weddings. I think so many men have wasted perfect moments to propose just in the pursuit of making it a ‘surprise’. And in the end they ended proposing in a lovely way but nothing so special it couldn’t have been done a long time ago. I also don’t think men realise if you keep a woman waiting for so long she loses excitement – she begins to fantasise about it less, she begins to care about it less. It kind of loses it spark and appeal because it has been thought about over and over for so long.
I think this also hits a soft spot for me. I have been with my man for about 3 years. At about 1 year in we decided we wanted to marry each other. We excitedly spoke and were giddy about it for a whole year. At the end of that first year, I wasn’t as excited about it. Waiting became a draining experience instead of an exciting one. I pushed my emotions to the back of my mind and went about my life with the occasional chat to SO about our progress. All was apparently well “yes Hun I’ve got it under control”, “trust me I have every intent of making it perfect”, “I have it all planned out” etc. Come the end of the second year, I was so fucking over it. Very bluntly I asked what the go was and why we weren’t engaged yet. It had been two bloody years. Turns out all his wonderful ideas were still in his head, none had actually been turned into a reality. He dreamed so much he forgot you actually have to take action to make your dreams a reality. I told him he had 2 years to make it a surprise and that he blew it and that now I’m involved in the planning so I at least have the security of knowing where we are at.
It worked out well for us in the end. We are wonderfully happy now and are in the process of ordering a ring. We have decided on a date for the wedding. We have decided on our guest list. I at least know it’s going to happen now and the excitement has started to come back now that it’s more of a reality.
I’m sorry this is such a long rant. And I’m not saying waiting for a long time means it can’t be a surprise – I’m sure it still can be to a certain extent. But the thread that inspired this post really hit a soft spot for me and I wanted to share this. So, if any guys are reading this: please, please consider this if you are thinking about waiting to propose because you want it to be a surprise because I would hate for another to go through what I and countless other women have gone through.
RANT OVER 😜
Post # 2
I COMPLETELY agree with you. Honestly, I didn’t wait very long, but we were at that level early on in the relationship. We were close to one year when he kept dropping hints that made me think he was going to propose right before then. Never happened and I kept waiting. Several discussions and many tears later, I got the “I want it to be special and a surprise” line. Dudeee…it would have been several months ago, but no longer. When the proposal finally happened, it was on the couch, spur of the moment, with crappy tv on and me in my pjs. He didn’t even get down on one knee. I can’t lie, I was a little disappointed with it but in the end, I am very happy that we are on our way toward being husband and wife.
I ditto the OP. Guys, DON’T DO THAT.
Post # 3
I totally agree. My boyfriend and I went ring shopping this past weekend, and afterward he literally said “I’m going to tell you when I’m going to propose [as in the weekend/night] because otherwise it’lldrive you crazy.”
I’ve never been more grateful.
Post # 4
Totally agree! I’m still at the point where my boyfriend could surprise me with a proposal, but we literally just started talking about it a month ago. His uncle is a jeweler, so my pinterest board will be plenty for my boyfriend to know exactly what I’m looking for and make it happen. He’s seen it, I’ve shown him the exact diamond I’m currently drooling over at James Allen, and from here on out, I’m going to try to let it be up to him. Does it mean that I haven’t checked the website every day to see if my diamond-love has been purchased? Oh no… I’ve been checking. 🙂 I won’t know whether to feel excited or heartbroken if it disappears!
My boyfriend is going to follow through on getting me exactly the ring I’ve dreamed of and put together a beautiful proposal, I’m sure… but I’m afraid he will also get hung up on the dreaming process, or the waiting for a raise issue, or the after we live together for a while phase. For now, I’m content to let it be a surprise. Six months from now… a year from now? It will have been 2 years plus, and our almost-30 year old selves will be having the chat that takes away the suspense.
Post # 5
pinup8princess : Good stuff. The only thing I’d add is that a relationship is not just one person calling all the shots. If you’re with someone and want to marry them, don’t just sit on your hands and wait for them to decide your future. It seems like so many women who are “waiting” are terrified of somehow changing their partner’s willingness to be with them by talking about, you know, wanting to be with them. I also think so much of the cultural narrative of “it’s a surprise but also exactly what you want, and one of the most important things of your whole life” is ridiculous and causes a lot of strife all around. People get so wrapped up in having a pinterest-worthy moment that they forget why agreeing to marry is significant in the first place.
My Fiance and I planned our “proposal” together after many conversations about when we wanted to get married. We picked out my ring (and I picked out a few surprise gifts for him), set aside a weekend just for us, booked a table at a nice restaurant to celebrate and stocked our fridge with champagne. All that and he still managed to catch me off guard while I was putting away groceries!
Post # 6
Post # 7
I need to make my boyfriend read this. I’m slowly losing my boner over marrying him. Soon enough I’m not going to even care and that will ruin the moment more than knowing when the moment will be.
Post # 8
mandabride00 : I’m sorry to read your going through that. I think this whole surprise proposal trend is equally detrimental to both partners. The person who is waiting to be proposed to is constantly on edge wondering “when is it going to be?”, “why haven’t they proposed yet?”, “do they even plan on proposing to me?” Etc. This can extremely detrimental to the person’s self esteem and even to their relationship as the begin to resent the other person. I also think it’s detrimental to the person proposing as they wait so long and build up all this anticipation in their head of what a magical surprise it’s going to be only to be let down when the other person isn’t over over-the-moon surprised because well quite frankly waiting for such a long time has just bummed them out and they aren’t even excited about getting engaged anymore – they are just relieved that it is finally over with.
Post # 9
Speck_ : +1 to everything that you said. I was one of those women who was waiting forever while he said “just wait, just trust me” and it was SO FRUSTRATING to feel like this important part of our lives wasn’t a joint decision. I’m soured on the concept of proposals based on the whole experience.
Marriage is great though. I’ve been married for years and I highly recomend that part.
Post # 10
Oh my god! This is so true! I would have liked to not have been wearing my worn out coat, old tennis shoes and standing there with my big purse. My friend said the same thing it took so long she wasn’t even excited and when you are together for so long you start getting into shit is real stuff.
Post # 11
I completely agree! A proposal story is great, but when you’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 4, have a house, 2 kids, a dog, etc…, it’s time to stop waiting for the magic proposal. Go to the Jewelers together – buy a ring – put it on. You’re engaged! Ta da!
Post # 12
moonzie : oh and Mark gungor says women like something to look forward to like a concrete date this will happen. When did it turn into a surprise thing? That’s a terrible idea
Post # 13
Blame a very outdated/annoying culture sadly.
Post # 14
pinup8princess : I totally agree. Up and down, left and right. I didn’t have a long wait, but I saw the ring before my fiance. He was in training on a military base, so it was shipped to me for safety. I tried it on to make sure it fit, oggled over it for a while, then put it back in the box. I hate surprises honestly. Hate them. I just wanted him to get down on one knee in the 1 week he was home on leave so we could start planning. The proposal is not important to me. He missed so many good moments because he thought there would be a better one. Then he proposed in the car sitting in the driveway. I loved it anyways, but I was frustrated that he wouldn’t just do it!
I love him so much though and he is perfectly awkward and oblivious.
Post # 15
Im going to interject for a second and play devils advocate.
My Fiance had waited to propose for a couple of months after having the ring becasue he had orginally told me he wanted it to be a “surprise” and “special.”
as we have been planning the wedding we have chatted about that a little bit and it has come out that there were a couple of moments where he wanted to do it but the moment didnt seem right, or the day was off and he admitted that he was nervous when he proposed finally.
We have been together 5 years and lived together for 2. I didnt think it would be a nervous thing for him to propose becasue he KNEW i was going to say yes. However, he was.
He had used the “surprise” excuse as a front becasue he felt weird being nervous about proposing to me.
He ended up proposing to me halfway through our vacation . He had been carrying the ring around in his pocket the whole time. He really didnt have anything PLANNED.
does this make sense?
i guess im saying is, sometimes the surprise angle is just nerves