Post # 1
We’ve been dating 4 years and are very happy together. He told me in the beginning he didn’t have the greatest feeling toward marriage and I told him I would need it at some point in the relationship. Yesterday we had a talk about when engagement would come and he told me he wasn’t sure and that he wasn’t ready yet. Then proceeded to tell me he didn’t know if he would ever be ready and should break it off if I thought that would be a problem. This came as a shock while he had talked about not wanting marriage a lot of his actions and words have pointed otherwise. Looking at and choosing rings for both of us, telling me things he would want or not at a wedding, says often that my family will be his someday too etc. the topic of wedding/marriage is brought up a few times a month. Even when I have brought it up in the past he has said within the next few years it would happen. Now he’s saying it could be 20 years. I don’t mind waiting even another two years but not 20! I feel like he’s flip flopped but he doesn’t believe he has since he told me at the start he’s not a big fan of marriage. I don’t know what to do. I’m someone that wants to take his word for it but then again he’s done things throughout our relationship enough to make me believe he does want it. I just want some opinions if possible. Should I take what he says now and believe it or what he’s said and done over the four years? I should add we are going through some pretty tough times with jobs and relocation that has us both stressed out completely and I don’t know if that’s prompting the stress on not feeling ready for marriage.
Post # 2
“I told him I would need [marriage] at some point in the relationship.”
“he didn’t know if he would ever be ready [for marriage] and should break it off if I thought that would be a problem.”
You’ve got all the information you need right there. Break it off with him.
Post # 3
I don’t want to be harsh but I don’t think he wants to marry you. It sounds like he could take or leave marriage, but that he doesn’t now see it happening with you.
he gave you an out by saying you could leave if it is really important to you.
You say you’re having a rough patch and that could be the cause of this now, but even in a rough patch you know if you want to put the effort in to make it better.
id say ask him what commitment looks like without marriage and whether he wants that with you. I’d also start prepping to leave
Post # 4
I’m afraid you’re not hearing the “No”. He’s told you he isn’t going to marry you. The rest is just noise. Just to humor you so you would stick around.
It’s entirely up to you. If you can be happy with this guy without marriage, stay put, but know that you’re not going to magically win him over. If marriage is a must have for you, move on. Find a man who will be excited to have the chance to make you his bride.
Post # 5
kroken5863 : so why do you want to get married, why is it important to you? Is it something that people do? Or is it something you believe is a deeper connection/commitment than dating? When you work out why marriage is important to you, you’ll be able to work out where your relationship fits in with that. Your partner does not want marriage, he has told you that. He’s shown some confusing signs but he has told you previously and is telling you now – marriage isn’t a priority for him. Now you have decide which is more important to you the relationship or marriage.
Post # 6
Even if harsh I need to hear it. I am considering ending the relationship it’s just a hard choice when you love the person and want the exact opposite of breaking up! I want a marriage for the deeper relationship and connection. I don’t want to be a girlfriend for 30 years it’s just not for me. As for him he’s 100% sure that he wants to be with me forever but still isn’t sure on if he would ever want to get married. Thank you all for your input it’s a horrible and hard decision to make.
Post # 7
A large part of loving someone is recognzing what they need to be happy and doing it, even if it may not be what you want. You see marriage as necessary for your happiness. Explain what you told us to him one more time before breaking it off. He sounds like he is giving you an out, he doesn’t love you enough to marry you and is giving you a chance to get out before going any deeper. Don’t waste any more time on him and DEFINITELY get out before you end up having any kids with this man. Four years is a long time to waste on someone, the longest I’ve wasted is three (and he was engaged to someone else a year after we broke up!), but we have to learn from our mistakes and move on. Ask yourself, are you willing to still be in the place you are right now five years from now? You might still be just a Girlfriend to this guy, but if you break up now, you might be a WIFE to another by then. How valueable is your time?
Post # 8
kroken5863 : sorry to hear this. Good that you asked him, but, next time, when you ask someone early on what they think about marriage (if they’re sure they want to get married or have problems w it, if they’re unsure and thinking that maybe their views will change down the road), listen to their response and act accordingly. He told you from the beginning that he was iffy on marriage. since you knew you wanted to get married, you should have left it at that and looked for someone who wants what you want. Before you ever were close to loving him.
You telling him you want to get married doesn’t make it so he needs to leave you or marry you- the whole time he’s with you and not married is exactly what he wants and what he told you that he wanted. He never said otherwise. Do not look for hints and clues to disbelieve what he told you very clearly and directly.
Post # 9
As for him he’s 100% sure that he wants to be with me forever but still isn’t sure on if he would ever want to get married.
This to me makes no sense at all. What is marriage if not being sure of wanting to be with that person forever !
You make no mention of him having actual ideological objections to marriage so I can only agree with the pp who said , you heard him when he said ‘leave if marriage is what you need’ . All the rest is obfuscation.
So sorry. .