(Closed) wanting more input/advice/anything from fmil (call me crazy!) :)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you’re a very sweet fiance for wanting your FW to experience all of the same things her sister experienced with her mom. Unfortunately, you can’t make your Future Mother-In-Law want to be a part of the wedding. Just keep trying to invite her to things…maybe make more of an effort to let her know how much her presence would mean to your FW so that she knows she’s disappointing her if she doesn’t come? It’s a shame she won’t do the same for one daughter as she did for the other…biological child or not…it seems as if she’s playing favorites :o( 

Post # 5
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you should tell her! No it a bad way, i wouldn’t tell her that she is less involved that her other daughters’ wedding, but maybe you could be the one to call her for the next thing (whatever it is you’d like her to go to) an slip in an “I really think it would mean so much for fw for you to be there for her..”

 

Post # 6
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Some Moms just aren’t “into” the wedding thing. People have said “Your Mom must be so excited!” Well, no, she really isn’t. Don’t get me wrong, she’s happy for me, but going to parties/entertaining isn’t her thing. 

Future Mother-In-Law, on the other hand, is all over the moon with this, and wants to do whatever she can-probably because when my Future Sister-In-Law got married, that wedding was out of town, and she wasn’t able to do as much planning- the groom’s mother did a LOT.

It’s unfortunate that your Future Mother-In-Law spent so much more time with FSIL’s wedding plans- but if it was a recent wedding (not sure from your post), I can see a little reluctance. I’m getting a lot more help with wedding planning/details from the Maid/Matron of Honor who got married 8 years ago, than the one who got married last year-she’s probably “so done” with wedding stuff, since she was entrenched in it for over a year.

I’m also super independent, and I think that’s a big reason why my parents have been low-key about it. I’m telling them what I need help with, but they’re not jumping up to do things.  Can you give her parents projects? Not sure what you’ve asked them to do, that there would be other conflicts w/ seeing Future Sister-In-Law (tastings? floral shopping?)

Can FW talk to her Mom about it? “Mom, it hurts me a little that you don’t seem to be interested in my wedding”

Post # 8
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

You’re welcome, that’s what bees are for! πŸ™‚

Maybe giving them an out isn’t a good idea. “We’re doing XYZ on this date, and it would mean a lot if you could be there.” If someone says that to me, I’d really do my best to be there. If you give me an out, I’m not going to think it’s that important to you that I’m there. Also- Regarding your comment that they might view it more as your day-maybe FW should be the one emailing her parents with plans, instead.

The good thing is that they *are* excited. (I remind myself that when Future Mother-In-Law stresses me out- intentions are good, but we don’t have to worry about the rehearsal dinner venue right now!)

Post # 9
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@MissKabers:  Awww…that sucks.  I can see why both of you are upset.

My Darling Husband is very independant (like your FW) and his parents don’t really get involved in ANYTHING if they are not specifically asked and often have to be told when it’s important.  Saying “do you want to get your hair done with everyone the morning of?” to my Mother-In-Law was not taken at face value- she didn’t want to intrude, even though I wanted her there.  I think that it maybe it’s because their kid has “rejected” their help so many times in the past that they don’t want to over step now.  I know that I found it really frustrating and sad at times because it did sometimes bother my Darling Husband and I felt like I was being rejected too….so I get how YOU feel in all this.

Honestly, I think that it’s up to your FW to talk to her mom.  I definitely don’t think that it’s your place to say anything unless things get much worse.  It’s entirely possible that you Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t want to upset her daughter by becoming too involved and/or doesn’t want to step on your mom’s toes.  Make sure it’s your FW who is inviting her to do things so that it doesn’t seem like it’s coming all from you (I think that this might have been one of my problems).

All you can do is to keep offering and she what she does.  

Post # 10
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Are you the most considerate person or what?!

Is it possible to say in a non threatening way that you both want her there.  That she means so much to your FW and to you and it’s driving you crazy for her to not be as involved as she could be?!

Or

Is it possible for you to email Future Mother-In-Law and say FW is feeling very disconnected from Future Mother-In-Law during this really special time?

 

I don’t know your relationship.  This is something I could say to my Future Mother-In-Law for my SO.  And I would have to if it was bothering him and he felt like he couldn’t. 

Perhaps suggest her coming over for a girls night for a bottle of wine, a great but easy dinner and a little wedding gab? Maybe your FW would feel better just having some special time with her right now? AND DON’T GIVE THE OUT! Ask.  Some people need to be asked!

 

Post # 11
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Why don’t you just talk to Future Mother-In-Law and say that you understand she doesn’t want to be super involved, but ask if she could pick 2-3 things to involve herself in a little to make FW happy.  Nothing big, things where she just has to show up and smile like tastings and picking out invitations.  If she says no, then that’s it- encourage FW to take girlfriends or her sister with her.

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