Post # 1
not sure if there is really anything that can be done at this point with the wedding just over 2 months away, but somehow the closer we get the more emotional i get about the whole thing – and yes, sometimes for me, but A LOT for my future wife 🙁
i love my fils – they are great, we get along well and have a good time everytime we see them – they were thrilled when we got engaged and even (eventually – but that is another story) threw us an engagement party, so it isn’t the two lady wedding thing that is causing this
even though they were excited when we got engaged, fmil can be distant (i’m the girlier girl so i constantly worried she would see this as my wedding – so i make extra effort to email her about things and ask if she wants to be involved) she told fw that she just didn’t want to be as involved as she was in her sister’s wedding bc it was too stressful – ok we get it, but EVERY time we invite them to do something, they have something else to do and i can see that it is really hurting fw that I do so many things with my mom for the wedding and her mom isn’t there
the thing that adds to the complications is that fmil isn’t fw biological mom – but for all purposes it is the only mom she has known since she was 8 – but fmil IS the biological mom of her sister and i can tell that this is what fw thinks is the issue – and it might be part of it, plus my fw is comes across as super independent – but i just know how much it means to her to have her parents – and her mom – do little things (we’re not talking $ or anything big – but why offer to help with details when everytime we ask you have something else to do- which typically involves going to see the other daugther)
i know how much it would mean to her (and to me) to have them get excited and be more involved like they were for the sister’s wedding, but I don’t know what to do – honestly I want to shake her and scream at her to do this for her daughter, but obviously that won’t get us anywhere
i know i should probably just take what i/we can get and be fine with it, but it is just so hurtful since i know how much she did with the sister and i have to watch my fi be upset about it
it is just so important to me that my fw has a REALLY special day/days leading up to the wedding and i want her to feel like she is a bride and i am worried that her mom’s apathy will continue and i don’t know what to do
Post # 3
I think you’re a very sweet fiance for wanting your FW to experience all of the same things her sister experienced with her mom. Unfortunately, you can’t make your Future Mother-In-Law want to be a part of the wedding. Just keep trying to invite her to things…maybe make more of an effort to let her know how much her presence would mean to your FW so that she knows she’s disappointing her if she doesn’t come? It’s a shame she won’t do the same for one daughter as she did for the other…biological child or not…it seems as if she’s playing favorites :o(
Post # 4
@2PeasinaPod: thank you for your words! i know that i can’t make her do anything – i just really wish i could 😉
Post # 5
I think you should tell her! No it a bad way, i wouldn’t tell her that she is less involved that her other daughters’ wedding, but maybe you could be the one to call her for the next thing (whatever it is you’d like her to go to) an slip in an “I really think it would mean so much for fw for you to be there for her..”
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Some Moms just aren’t “into” the wedding thing. People have said “Your Mom must be so excited!” Well, no, she really isn’t. Don’t get me wrong, she’s happy for me, but going to parties/entertaining isn’t her thing.
Future Mother-In-Law, on the other hand, is all over the moon with this, and wants to do whatever she can-probably because when my Future Sister-In-Law got married, that wedding was out of town, and she wasn’t able to do as much planning- the groom’s mother did a LOT.
It’s unfortunate that your Future Mother-In-Law spent so much more time with FSIL’s wedding plans- but if it was a recent wedding (not sure from your post), I can see a little reluctance. I’m getting a lot more help with wedding planning/details from the Maid/Matron of Honor who got married 8 years ago, than the one who got married last year-she’s probably “so done” with wedding stuff, since she was entrenched in it for over a year.
I’m also super independent, and I think that’s a big reason why my parents have been low-key about it. I’m telling them what I need help with, but they’re not jumping up to do things. Can you give her parents projects? Not sure what you’ve asked them to do, that there would be other conflicts w/ seeing Future Sister-In-Law (tastings? floral shopping?)
Can FW talk to her Mom about it? “Mom, it hurts me a little that you don’t seem to be interested in my wedding”
Post # 7
@raspberrymacaron: i know – i worry that would be overstepping boundaries though – i mean when i do email or call her i tell her how much it would mean to have her there (but then i always give her an out – like “i know things can be busy, so it’s ok if you can’t” because i feel like then if she doesn’t, it won’t hurt so bad) my FW is just so sweet and gets so excited about any time they show any interest at all
@rebwana: i do totally get that, and that is what fmil said – that she spent too much time, etc on the other daughter’s wedding and didn’t want to be that involved – which believe me i totally get (and sometimes even appreciate) but i do just wish that some of the little, fun, non-stressful things she would “bite” on taking a part of. even though FW is really independent, this is the one thing that gets her and I think she is worried about being too hurt & too emotional if even after that talk her mom still acts the same
i know that our day will never mean as much or be as important to anyone else (well maybe except for my mom – haha) and so we work hard to not talk about it all the time or push it on people, but it would be nice to feel like she was more a part of the process than just “attending” the wedding
I guess we just keep trying! 🙂 I know they are excited for our day and I know it will be great when it is here, I just want them to know how much their input means to us – I mean, we ask them all sorts of little questions and have made changes for them (bc in the end I do want them to have a part in the day) like we will have 2 separate father/daughter dances instead of one combined, the cake server we got, the way our bridal party will be introduced and more.
Thank you ladies so much for “listening” 🙂
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
You’re welcome, that’s what bees are for! 🙂
Maybe giving them an out isn’t a good idea. “We’re doing XYZ on this date, and it would mean a lot if you could be there.” If someone says that to me, I’d really do my best to be there. If you give me an out, I’m not going to think it’s that important to you that I’m there. Also- Regarding your comment that they might view it more as your day-maybe FW should be the one emailing her parents with plans, instead.
The good thing is that they *are* excited. (I remind myself that when Future Mother-In-Law stresses me out- intentions are good, but we don’t have to worry about the rehearsal dinner venue right now!)
Post # 9
@MissKabers: Awww…that sucks. I can see why both of you are upset.
My Darling Husband is very independant (like your FW) and his parents don’t really get involved in ANYTHING if they are not specifically asked and often have to be told when it’s important. Saying “do you want to get your hair done with everyone the morning of?” to my Mother-In-Law was not taken at face value- she didn’t want to intrude, even though I wanted her there. I think that it maybe it’s because their kid has “rejected” their help so many times in the past that they don’t want to over step now. I know that I found it really frustrating and sad at times because it did sometimes bother my Darling Husband and I felt like I was being rejected too….so I get how YOU feel in all this.
Honestly, I think that it’s up to your FW to talk to her mom. I definitely don’t think that it’s your place to say anything unless things get much worse. It’s entirely possible that you Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t want to upset her daughter by becoming too involved and/or doesn’t want to step on your mom’s toes. Make sure it’s your FW who is inviting her to do things so that it doesn’t seem like it’s coming all from you (I think that this might have been one of my problems).
All you can do is to keep offering and she what she does.
Post # 10
Are you the most considerate person or what?!
Is it possible to say in a non threatening way that you both want her there. That she means so much to your FW and to you and it’s driving you crazy for her to not be as involved as she could be?!
Is it possible for you to email Future Mother-In-Law and say FW is feeling very disconnected from Future Mother-In-Law during this really special time?
I don’t know your relationship. This is something I could say to my Future Mother-In-Law for my SO. And I would have to if it was bothering him and he felt like he couldn’t.
Perhaps suggest her coming over for a girls night for a bottle of wine, a great but easy dinner and a little wedding gab? Maybe your FW would feel better just having some special time with her right now? AND DON’T GIVE THE OUT! Ask. Some people need to be asked!
Post # 11
Why don’t you just talk to Future Mother-In-Law and say that you understand she doesn’t want to be super involved, but ask if she could pick 2-3 things to involve herself in a little to make FW happy. Nothing big, things where she just has to show up and smile like tastings and picking out invitations. If she says no, then that’s it- encourage FW to take girlfriends or her sister with her.
Post # 12
thanks ladies! i REALLY appreciate all of the advice!
her parents were over a few weeks ago and her mom had randomly mentioned she would really like to go with her and pick out her wedding jewelry, but FW has been worried to bring it up, thinking that it was just an “in the moment” suggestion – i had mentioned in a recent email that I knew fw was super excited to go wtih her mom and that i couldn’t wait to see what they picked out – and now with your suggestions FW called her mom to set up a date to go – and YAY!!!!!! – they have one! 🙂
you should have seen how excited she was when she got off the phone that they had picked a day to go and that her mom had been asking her questions about the wedding – i wish her mom saw how much it meant to her (and maybe after that day she will)
thanks ladies! really, without your encouragement I think that this could have been just another thing that slipped by and now they are going and fw is sooooo excited! she keeps asking me what i think she should get for jewelry (i have seen her dress) and honestly – it could be ANYTHING i am just excited she will have that moment with her mom! 🙂