Post # 1
This post is more of a vent, but my fiancé and I are working on our guest list and there’s a couple I don’t want at our wedding. I know I’m being petty, but I want to break the “social unit” etiquette of having to invite significant others for this particular couple. My fiancé plans to invite his fraternity friend from college to the wedding, but he’s married. When this friend got married a few years ago, my fiancé (boyfriend of 4 years at that time) was invited to the wedding, but not me. Honestly, it hurt my feelings a lot at that time (especially since I knew the bride – we were in the same sorority). Now that it’s our wedding, I don’t want to invite her even though I know I have to. I know I should get over it, but it’s hard and I’m constantly on the fence of breaking etiquette! Two wrongs don’t make a right, but the cost of hosting both him and his wife is making me feel uncomfortable. I don’t think I would be as bitter either if it wasn’t for the fact that they haven’t seen each other in years (only communicate via Facebook/texts). What’s the best way to let go of these feelings?
Post # 2
Keep in mind you will be so busy running around focusing on the people you care about that you will not even notice her on the day.
Post # 3
Both or neither. You know how shitty it felt, don’t be that same person by only inviting him.
Post # 4
Is he really set on even invitingly the friend regardless? I mean, if they aren’t close anymore and haven’t seen each other in awhile, maybe you could pass on inviting either of them.
Post # 5
Why would your Fiance go to a wedding where you weren’t invited to? That seems wrong in my book..
Post # 6
This exact same thing happened to me … only, get this, the wife was my big sis in the sorority. She intentionally didn’t invite me, but my fiancé was invited. He did not attend lol and we opted to not invite the couple to our wedding at all.
You could do it under the guise of like “all Beta Theta gentlemen PC 06 are invited” or something but since they are married, there really is no way to do this without being a faux pas. Perhaps your FI could convince other (single) brothers to make arrangements to make it a boys weekend and invite this guy, so maybe she’s disinclined to join?
Post # 7
xilyl : Why are you blaming only her? They as a couple chose to only invite your then boyfriend so it is unfair to just blame her.
You said it yourself that two wrongs don’t make a right so you need to either suck it up or come to an agreement with your Fiance about not inviting either of them. As pp said unless you are having a tiny wedding you won’t even notice them.
Post # 8
since they arent good friends anymore, I would rec not inviting either one, then no etiquette broken!
Post # 9
If it makes you feel better I think this is a common issue!
I haven’t had that many friends get married, but my boyfriend wasn’t invited to any of their weddings. We were not SUPER serious at the time but it still bothered me that ettiqutte demands that I invite their husbands with them when I get married. Petty I know.
It was probably a $$$ thing. Couples who get married “earlier” have the luxury of not giving plus ones since fewer people are engaged / married. Then they know they will always be invited as a unit to other people’s weddings or can clamor about the huge faux pas.
I know some bees will disagree since it’s your wedding and your party and you should have everyone you want there and no one you don’t. But it sucks shilling out hundreds of dollars between traveling, hotels, gifts, attire, etc to celebrate someone’s love, relationship, and commitment and having to go solo when other people whose relationships were deemed more “serious” are there with their SOs.
Be the bigger person here even though it’s annoying.
Post # 10
The best way to let it go is to realize that it most likely wasn’t a slight against you personally. They probably had some dumb “only married or engaged rule” which left you out. It’s still rude but it’s not personal and it’s not worth holding a grudge over.
Post # 11
chocochai : Yes, he’s certain on inviting this friend. He’s the type of person that doesn’t feel the need to physically spend time with someone to be close to them. I haven’t met 80% of his guest list, but I know this one friend will definitely be on his invite list.
greeneyedamber : He didn’t attend, he declined the wedding invitation since I wasn’t invited.
fourfrenchfries : Ohh I wish that was an option for us. I know he values the friendship though so I can’t ask him to not invite the friend.
Post # 12
j_jaye : I know the guest list is finalized by the couple, but she’s the reason why I wasn’t invited. At that time, his friend told my fiancé that he wanted to invite both of us, but due to budget/guest list restrictions, she decided to cut me from the list. In the end, so many people declined that they sent out a 2nd round of invites to their B list.
Post # 13
xilyl : “he wanted to invite both of us, but due to budget/guest list restrictions, she decided to cut me from the list“
… and he didn’t stand up to her. So still equally his fault.
That said, you can not invite her if you want, but it will make you come across as very petty, and he will probably decline the invitation. Is that what you want?
Post # 14
I’m obviously against the grain here, but I wouldn’t invite her. Etiquette is guidelines and I normally think you should follow them if possible, but there will always be exceptions in my book. I would probably make this one.
For example, I have cut my Mother-In-Law out of my life and made it very clear to Darling Husband that if he wants to have a relationship with her I’m ok with that but we’ve agreed she’s not welcome in our home. If we host a party here, his step fater will still be invited (and would probably come to make sure DH’s siblings could come), but Mother-In-Law would not be invited.
But like PP’s have said, this isn’t just about her, he had to agree to let you get cut. Because as much as I don’t want my Mother-In-Law here at our home, my Darling Husband agrees with me that our home should be a stress free environment for both of us and therefore she isn’t welcome.
Post # 15
I say take the high road and invite them both. If you do the right thing, maybe she will feel foolish for not doing the same. Much better than eye for an eye in my opinion. Who knows, maybe they won’t even attend.