Wanting to Break Etiquette :(

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Keep in mind you will be so busy running around focusing on the people you care about that you will not even notice her on the day. 

Post # 3
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Both or neither. You know how shitty it felt, don’t be that same person by only inviting him.

Post # 4
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Is he really set on even invitingly the friend regardless? I mean, if they aren’t close anymore and haven’t seen each other in awhile, maybe you could pass on inviting either of them. 

Post # 5
Member
847 posts
Busy bee

Why would your Fiance go to a wedding where you weren’t invited to? That seems wrong in my book..

Post # 6
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This exact same thing happened to me … only, get this, the wife was my big sis in the sorority. She intentionally didn’t invite me, but my fiancé was invited. He did not attend lol and we opted to not invite the couple to our wedding at all.

You could do it under the guise of like “all Beta Theta gentlemen PC 06 are invited” or something but since they are married, there really is no way to do this without being a faux pas. Perhaps your FI could convince other (single) brothers to make arrangements to make it a boys weekend and invite this guy, so maybe she’s disinclined to join?

Post # 7
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

xilyl :  Why are you blaming only her? They as a couple chose to only invite your then boyfriend so it is unfair to just blame her.

You said it yourself that two wrongs don’t make a right so you need to either suck it up or come to an agreement with your Fiance about not inviting either of them. As pp said unless you are having a tiny wedding you won’t even notice them.

Post # 8
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

since they arent good friends anymore, I would rec not inviting either one, then no etiquette broken! 

Post # 9
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

If it makes you feel better I think this is a common issue!

I haven’t had that many friends get married, but my boyfriend wasn’t invited to any of their weddings. We were not SUPER serious at the time but it still bothered me that ettiqutte demands that I invite their husbands with them when I get married. Petty I know.

It was probably a $$$ thing. Couples who get married “earlier” have the luxury of not giving plus ones since fewer people are engaged / married. Then they know they will always be invited as a unit to other people’s weddings or can clamor about the huge faux pas.

I know some bees will disagree since it’s your wedding and your party and you should have everyone you want there and no one you don’t. But it sucks shilling out hundreds of dollars between traveling, hotels, gifts, attire, etc to celebrate someone’s love, relationship, and commitment and having to go solo when other people whose relationships were deemed more “serious” are there with their SOs.

Be the bigger person here even though it’s annoying.

Post # 10
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

The best way to let it go is to realize that it most likely wasn’t a slight against you personally. They probably had some dumb “only married or engaged rule” which left you out. It’s still rude but it’s not personal and it’s not worth holding a grudge over.

Post # 13
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

xilyl :  “he wanted to invite both of us, but due to budget/guest list restrictions, she decided to cut me from the list

… and he didn’t stand up to her. So still equally his fault.

That said, you can not invite her if you want, but it will make you come across as very petty, and he will probably decline the invitation. Is that what you want?

Post # 14
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

I’m obviously against the grain here, but I wouldn’t invite her. Etiquette is guidelines and I normally think you should follow them if possible, but there will always be exceptions in my book. I would probably make this one. 

For example, I have cut my Mother-In-Law out of my life and made it very clear to Darling Husband that if he wants to have a relationship with her I’m ok with that but we’ve agreed she’s not welcome in our home. If we host a party here, his step fater will still be invited (and would probably come to make sure DH’s siblings could come), but Mother-In-Law would not be invited. 

But like PP’s have said, this isn’t just about her, he had to agree to let you get cut. Because as much as I don’t want my Mother-In-Law here at our home, my Darling Husband agrees with me that our home should be a stress free environment for both of us and therefore she isn’t welcome. 

Post # 15
Member
473 posts
Helper bee

I say take the high road and invite them both. If you do the right thing, maybe she will feel foolish for not doing the same. Much better than eye for an eye in my opinion. Who knows, maybe they won’t even attend.

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