Wanting to marry but boyfriend wants to wait?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
6625 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

tillyxox :  I think your best bet is to sit down with him and discuss – help you see where he’s coming from and can he see where you are coming from?  Create a timeline that you both feel you can stick to.  Then drop it and let him process, plan, etc.  Even at 31 some guys get in their own heads about how they are too young, other things they want to do first, what if it goes wrong, etc.  Mine was a master procrastinator who required some excessive shoving but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, so better to have an adult discussion and plan first.  Honestly, I wouldn’t have been ready in 2 years either, though and if you kept asking, I’d be afraid of saying something regrettable in response at some point.  You may need to wait a bit longer in any case and you may need less of an age gap between kids or only 3 instead of 4, etc.

Post # 3
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

skunktastic :  A “master procrastinator” haha!  That made me giggle out loud.  But I align with you, my fiancé was the same way until I sat down with him and said this is what I want within this time frame.  

Also, there is a significant age gap between you and your fiancé.  Now that may not necessarily be dispositive, but you change tremendously between 21 and 31, so he may be waiting to see whether you change a bit in the next few years. 

But I will tell you, had I married who I thought I wanted to marry at 21, my life would be in ruins. 

Post # 4
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You are so very very young, please just wait a while longer. The amount you will change in the next few years is astounding and you won’t even recognize the person you are today.

Much like PP, if I married who I wanted to at 21 and started having babies my life would be a gigantic mess. And that was a guy I’d been with five years by that time.

Post # 5
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Just FYI and I know you don’t want to hear it, but statistics say women who marry before the age of 24 are more likely to get divorced. The age of the men didn’t show one way or another, and this is telling for us women. Our personalities, who we are and what we want change so much

You think you’re all grown up at 21. We all did. We GET it. You’re an adult in a fulfilling relationship and you want to finalize that and start the next stage in your life. But PPs are right. The amount you will change between 21 and 24 is much much bigger than you can imagine. You probably think of yourself as an ‘old soul’ and ‘more mature than your peers’. I did too, didn’t think I’d change who I was or what I wanted in a life partner. But I did, it wasn’t a HUGE difference, but big enough that making marriage decisions would have been a bad idea. Think of who you were at 17 compared to now, what men you liked, goals you sought. You will continue to change and it’s going to be awesome, the peace and acceptance of yourself and WHO you are and what you want and will accept will really finalize.  

But you probably think you’re already there and we just don’t know you and how great everything is.  Because that’s what we all would have thought….

 So I’ll give you one more bit of advice. Stop talking babies and how your medical condition is going to make it more difficult later with your Boyfriend or Best Friend.  It probably sounds to him like you just want him to marry you SOON because you need a father for your kids.  2 years isn’t that long and just the verbiage in your post makes you sound young.

So maybe he sees a great young girlfriend who has the potential to become his wife, but he’s just not there yet, and she’s stressing about babies and she’s only 21, what if she were dating Joe Schmo right now, would she be all up in him to get married now and start being a sperm machine?  Does she want me or just marriage and babies?  What if I can’t have children, will she divorce me?  What if we get married in 2 reasonable years and she can’t have kids will she resent me forever for not asking sooner?  What if I told her I don’t want to get engaged for at least another 2 years, is she going to keep on about it until I give in? Is she going to be like this with everything I don’t agree with her about? 

Usually I’m much more likely to say sit him down, have a timeline, have standards and boundaries and blah blah blah.  But your post just makes me feel different. Just being Devil’s Advocate here. 

Post # 6
6791 posts
Busy Beekeeper

My first thought is he doesn’t want to marry you because you’re just his hot piece of ass. For the time being. A 30 year old should know if he’s ready, and he’s telling you he’s not. 

Youre young. Please don’t start popping out kids with a commitmentphobe 10 years your sr. 

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