Wanting to Move from Home town but I know SO won't come with

posted 2 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 2
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Part of being in a relationship is compromise.

If he doesn’t want to compromise and you aren’t happy, you two need to find a way to resolve this somehow or else you will resent him, or he will resent you and vice versa.

You need to put yourself first and decide if your relationship is worth sarcificing what you want to do or where you want to live. Please don’t hold back on your dreams or stay somewhere you are miserable (And I’m not saying that you are miserable) just to hold onto to a relationship. Putting yourself first is just as important.

It also sounds like you haven’t spoken with him about this at length. A proper conversation outlining what you want would probably help the situation. Are you absolutely sure he won’t move with you or is this speculation?

Post # 3
Member
3042 posts
Sugar bee

I’m a fellow Missourian 🙂 

I was born and raised in St.Louis and my then boyfriend was from California. I told him I always wanted to stay in STL and I never wanted to leave. After about 2 1/2 years he was offered an amazing job in Southern California (where he’s from) that he couldn’t pass up. We made a compromise that if I were to move, my SO would need to make enough (as in it would have to be a good enough opportunity) for me to fly home every few months or so. And I would be able to spend Christmas with my family, while we would do all other holidays with his. 

It was a difficult thing to decide on and I thought really hard about it but we ended up moving. I’m so glad we did because we have so much more opportunity out here. But if my husband wouldn’t have told me I could have gone home whenever I wanted, it would have made it a harder decision. 

Also, speaking as someone from your general area, I can’t imagine living in Columbia and never leaving. It’s cool and there’s a decent amount to do, but interms of career opportunities there’s just not that much. I get that you want to move because you could feel you aren’t living your life to its truest potential in Columbia. 

Post # 4
Member
5061 posts
Bee Keeper

Love isn’t the only component to a successful relationship.  Just because we love someone doesn’t mean we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with that person.

Compatibility is important.  Having similar goals for life is important.  It sounds like you just aren’t compatible in a very huge aspect of your lives – where you want to settle or even if you want to settle right now.  You can try to come to a mutually agreeable compromise, but setting aside your wants completely is likely going to lead to resentment sooner than later.

Post # 6
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Hey- I went to Mizzou! I’m a St. Louis gal myself, but I totally get wanting to stretch your wings and get out of Como. You need to ask yourself…is this going to be something that you will resent him for later in your relationship? Is this relationship worth giving up on something you want for your future? 

I agree with PP that relationships and marriage are all about compromise. Have you discussed with him options that may satisfy you both? He may be willing to move away for a short period of time and then settle down in Como when its time to have a family. If he is completely unwilling to budge, then perhaps you should consider the possibility that you two aren’t for each other. 

Just for some background, I love STL. It’s my home, its where all of my friends and family are. I never imagined living anywhere else. I’ve been in previous relationships where the other person wanted to move away and I was 100% against it. My Fiance is from there as well, but he got an offer to move to Texas, and making the decision to go with him was really hard for me, but I knew I’d rather be with him than without him, so I went. And I don’t regret it for a second. So my perspective may come from the other side, but I truly believe that if you’re dissatisfied now, it won’t get better. So if your SO is dead set against it, then that might be a sign that he’s not the right one for you in the long run.

Post # 7
Member
3149 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

This is the time of life when you should be moving around and enjoying yourself.  Sometimes you have a great relationship with someone, but you’re just not in the same stage of life.  That’s nobody’s fault, it’s just the situation.  I would hate to see a young person not explore the world while they have the freedom to do so, because of a boyfriend.

Boulder CO?  It’s a cool town, although super expensive to live in and can be tough to find a job because everyone else wants to be there too.

Post # 8
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

View original reply
writerbee23 :  Maybe suggest visiting Boulder together to see how you both feel? I can sympathize though. My future in laws moved to Columbia a couple of years ago and Future Mother-In-Law desperately wants us to relocate from Virginia. It’s an okay place and we’re visiting again this summer, but I can imagine it gets old fast. 

Post # 9
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I’d move bee.  Yes,  you are in a relationship with your SO, but just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to put 4th at relationship before your needs.  Your needs are important too.  Sometimes you can love a person,  but not be right for each  other in important ways. I feel as a freelance writer, you probably need to focus on building clientele and moving might help with that. 

Post # 10
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

I agree with PP, take some time and visit Boulder as a couple.  Don’t do it with the intention to pressure him into moving, because he’ll probably dig his heels in and not enjoy it as much as he could.  I live in Colorado and it’s a great place, but it’s growing quickly and Boulder is very pricey. You’d likely be living in a nearby town like Longmont, so would be good to see more than just Boulder.  I went to college for a year in the midwest and could never imagine never leaving, but “home” is so important to some people that they have a hard time putting roots down elsewhere.

Not exactly the same situation, but I moved away from my family and to a place I really loved, and have never regretted it. I was single with no friends or family in the area, but if you love a place enough, you can make it home all on your own.  Keep the option open even if it means ending the relationship, I know I would have never truly been happy had I not moved away.

Post # 12
Member
2883 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
writerbee23 :  If he’s never going to want to live in a bigger town, then you’re always going to have to compromise your wants for him.  Decide if that’s what you want to do for your entire relationship.

 

Post # 13
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

How would you guys do with long distance? He potentially might want you to try living somewhere else so that you don’t feel resentful towards him in the future and could be supportive of that. You could do this with the intent of moving back to Columbia. I actually did 2 years of long distance with my now husband when I moved to Boulder for grad school! I’m glad I got the experience I did there, and now we are happily married and living in Denver. 

Why don’t you apply for jobs and see what happens? 

Post # 14
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

Definitely do your research and find out if moving is even an option yet. It may be difficult to secure a job and it’s expensive. (I’m from the midwest and my dad lives in Colorado) BUT if you have enough saved to support yourself or find a good job opportunity I say 100% go for it. I used to live on the East Coast, met a man and was in a happy relationship with him for a year. After some soul searching I decided I wanted to change careers and go back to school. The most logical way to do this was to move back in my midwest hometown for financial reasons.

It was SO difficult to make the decision to put my relationship on the line. We broke up after giving long distance a try, but stayed in contact and neither one of us has found someone we wanted to be with more. I graduated school and accepted a job in my new career, in a new midwest state, and he’s planning on moving there to be with me. Sometimes things still work out, and if they don’t, then maybe you two arent compatible enough. 

(I also dated someone else for 6-ish months while my SO and I were broken up, and he was a lot like your SO. Close to his family, had never envisioned moving and had no desire for travel or adventure. While he came around and would have been open to moving if I got an out of state job, I was able to recognize that we just weren’t compatible long-term and I ended things) Break ups are hard but I’m incredibly happy with my decision to move and improve my life FOR ME) 

Post # 15
Member
10550 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

But Boulder is smaller than Columbia? It’s also crazy expensive. Are you sure it’s not the HCOL that’s his concern?

My mom hates the town I grew up in. I think she holds a lot of bitterness/resentment from living there so long. Someone who refused to ever move would probably be a dealbreaker for me. You don’t have to stay just because he wants to and he doesn’t have to leave just because you want to. You might just be incompatible and it might feel small now but where you live is a huge part of your quality of life/happiness so five or ten years from now it won’t feel so small.

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