(Closed) Wanting your SO to work just based on principle?

posted 2 years ago in Career
Post # 46
Member
9813 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

mingogo4 :  If I made more than enough money to support both of us, enjoyed my job, and that money was enough to do whatever it was we wanted to do in life than I would be okay with my husband stay home provided that he take care of all of the cleaning, cooking (like almost all of our foods, growing veggies), etc.  so that in the evenings and weekends we could both be completely “off”.  Obviously still split some chores if needed.  But no, I wouldn’t be okay with him just not working and gaming all day or something.  But I’m aware that depending on the house size and lifestyle, just cleaning and cooking doesn’t necessarily fill 40 hours.  So if it’s not something that would take much time for you two, then I don’t think you’re selfish for wanting him to work.  Even a part time or freelance situation could work for me and combine the rest with cleaning or cooking.  Of course, in my experience men aren’t the greatest at cooking and cleaning (overall) so if he was going to not work he sure as hell better be keeping up with it. 

Post # 47
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

I’ll probably be flamed for this, but potential earnings/career was a consideration when I started getting serious with someone. I wasn’t chasing doctors, or trust fund babies, but I wanted to be with someone with a good work ethic, and who would likely have a good career. I grew up poor, and worked hard to get myself into a career that would provide a reasonable/comfortable life, and I wanted to be with  someone who shared my views.

There have been times I’ve out earned my hubby, and vice verse. I’ve had to carry him when he was unemployed, and eventually he’ll have to do the same for me. However, being the sole breadwinner is very stressful, even if you comfortably make enough to cover bills and expenses.

I have a strong belief that if you are able bodied, and not caring for children or a disabled family member, you should be working. Doesn’t mean you need to slave away at a job you hate necessarily, but work is work until you find something better.

I don’t think it’s selfish at all to ask your partner to work. You never know what curves life will throw you, and it’s always better to have two incomes verses one.

Post # 48
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

zzar45 :  Ehh…I don’t know. I guess I see it a little differently. He’s actually not a particularly nice guy. He makes her work because he doesn’t allow her to have any spending money. He covers their living expenses and bills, but if she wants anything extra for herself or the kids she doesn’t have access to $ unless she earns it…which I guess could be seen as fair? But, you mention if it weren’t for him she’d have to support herself, but  the way I look at it is if it weren’t for her he’d have to pay a $2000/mo mortgage to live in a house like that. To me that’s a pretty strong contribution (even if it came from her family, not from her)…plus I think caring for their children is also a contribution to the marriage. I don’t know–either way, it’s not a situation I would want to be in, but I always thought it was weird from an outside perspective

Post # 50
Member
4482 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’d be okay if my partner was a full-time student (with or without part-time work), a Stay-At-Home Dad, or working full-time (or actively looking for a job). I don’t care which it is or what it earns, but I just don’t think I could be attracted to someone who was content with not trying to contribute to our life. 

 

Post # 51
Member
5979 posts
Bee Keeper

lula0508 :  Sadly her husband doesn’t sound like someone who values a Stay-At-Home Mom role. IMO if you’re home with little kids that IS a full time job. But unfortunately some people only value paid employment, sounds like she could be a wonderful mom, do all the homemaking, make wonderful meals etc and he’d still belittle and diminish all that she does, not to mention unilaterally control all the money, sneering that he earned it. 

starfish0116 :  Exactly, others might judge her for travelling with her husband instead of working, but this is what they both want, so not anyone’s business. I think this is one of those situations where much of the judgement stems from gee must be nice sour grapes. 

Post # 52
Member
919 posts
Busy bee

catapple :  Yes, writing is my hobby. I’m working on my own novel. However, job hunting as really prevented me from enjoying it and coming back to it. Because when I write, all I can think is ‘I could be applying to more jobs’ so it makes it not as enjoyable. 

Post # 53
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

mingogo4 :  Not “new wave” feminist -2nd wave feminist. It sounds like you have never tried your hand at managing a household full time. I think if it were possible for you to try it you might think differently about how “relaxing” it is. Of course some people are crappy homemakers, and do the bare minimum. A high-performing home maker will be busy throughout the day, whether or not they are also taking care of kids.

Post # 54
Member
6932 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  Yep! Exactly! Most people look at her situation with a “must be nice” attitude…when in reality he makes great money and they can afford it. Plus he wants her to travel with him. My Darling Husband is in the same profession, and while I do travel with him some I also run my own business so it’s harder for me to go. I get snide comments from people too. If they were in middle of nowhere random places no one would bat an eye, but because it’s mostly tropical vacation places people think we’re just high-rollers who live a life of luxury. Darling Husband makes great money, but the tradeoff is having my husband gone for 9+ months out of the year.

Post # 55
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

TeresaBenedicta :  A high-performing home maker will be busy throughout the day, whether or not they are also taking care of kids.

Oh come on! I and plenty of other people work full time and have a spotless house, cook from scratch, keep up to date with DIY projects around the house etc.

Mothers absolutely have a full time job at home. but a Stay-At-Home Wife with just a husband does not have a full and busy day.  If women are able to financially not work and would rather not then great for them, but it’s ridiculous to suggest they lead busy lives running errands, cooking dinner for two and cleaning their own house.

Post # 56
Member
6059 posts
Bee Keeper

Stay at home parent = ok with me. That is still contributing – raising your offspring!

Stay at home spouse = gross to me. Sorry, but going to yoga and cleaning the house for 1hr a day does not make up the same ‘equity’ as working a FT job.

My Fiance would LOVE to be a stay at home husband lol. If we had kids he’d love to stay home with them too. We aren’t really looking at having kids, but yeah. Right now I’m earning more than him. He is on commission and his industry is pretty hard hit ATM, so making a lot less (which sucks, because the wedding is later this year!) but we make it work. He’s considering going back to school after the wedding, and I’m fine with that, because at least he’s doing SOMETHING. Right now he hates his job, and is literally only staying because we have the wedding to pay for. I wouldnt stand for him to sit around all day drinking his martinis and watching his stories (his words lolol), but going to school or doing something else with his life; sure.

Post # 57
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

abouttodoit17 :  mmmm have you tried it?  A homemaker isn’t as busy as a brain surgeon, I’m sure. They are less “on” than teachers.  But I’m at my 9-5 work now, and I have the leisure to read and respond to weddinbgee. I have a good amount of downtime. And I think a large number of jobs do allow for leisurely lunches, bathroom breaks and checkings of facebook.

The work of managing a household can easily fill a day. When I was younger I was hired to do just that – manage the personal affairs of wealthy people.  

I shopped for fresh groceries every day – individual trips to the baker, butcher, and produce shop. SOME people expected me to grow the vegetables myself, bake the bread myself, make the yogurt and cheese myself.  But ALL of them anticipated a handmade 3 course meal upon stepping into the house, every day.  I dusted – ceiling fans to baseboards – every day.  I balanced the checkbook every day and corrected the budget – every day. I organized a complex couponing operation and reported how much I’d saved, each week. I washed and polished the car- vaccume interior and soap exterior – every week. I changed the towels and bedclothes twice a week and ironed the sheets. Some expected me to drive to and from drycleaners, but most wanted their clothing washed and expertly pressed, in the home. They wanted their handwashed things handwashed. My employers never had to wash a dirty dish, use a washing machine, make a bed, fold a peice of laundry, choose a gift, wrap said gift, sew a button, turn on a vacume, go to the post office, go to fedex, go grocery shopping, take out the trash, get their oil changed, rotate their tires, get gass, pay a bill, pick up prescription medication, wait for the cable guy, plumber etc. 

Having someone responsible full time for the management of your personal affairs is definitely a lifestyle choice – and no doubt many people cannot afford it.

But I was paid 35k a year + room/board to do this for a couple. I kept plenty busy. If you’re homemaking and are lazing around for hours every day, you’re doing it wrong, frankly. 

Post # 58
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

TeresaBenedicta :  mmmm have you tried it? … My employers never had to wash a dirty dish, use a washing machine, make a bed, fold a peice of laundry, choose a gift, wrap said gift, sew a button, turn on a vacume, go to the post office, go to fedex, go grocery shopping, take out the trash, get their oil changed, rotate their tires, get gass, pay a bill, pick up prescription medication, wait for the cable guy, plumber etc. 


Umm yes, I do all the things a stay at home wife does plus I work full time.  

Post # 59
Member
438 posts
Helper bee

TeresaBenedicta :  You left out weaving the cloth for the bed sheets you were then expected to iron every 12 hours.

Post # 60
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

hampsterdance :  I once worked for a family that expected me to hand knit their socks. They did not expect me to make my own yarn, with spinning wheel. But I have taken care of chickens! 

Another thing they never had to do was come home on a lunch break to walk Fido. 

abouttodoit17 :  so you’re not a homemaker. What you can do in the few hours you have off of work is quite different from what a homemaker should be expected to do.   Now, maybe ironed bed sheets and a 3 course homemade meal every night and a home dusted baseboard to ceiling fan isn’t a priority for you, and you would prefer to spend your money on a flashy Meditteranean vacation. That’s your choice about how you would prefer to live. 

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