(Closed) Wanting your SO to work just based on principle?

posted 2 years ago in Career
Post # 61
6061 posts
Bee Keeper

hampsterdance :  Cinderelly Cinderelly
Night and day it’s Cinderelly
Make the fire!
Fix the breakfast!
Wash the dishes!
Do the mopping!
And the sweeping and the dusting!
They always keep me hopping!
She goes around in circles till she’s very, very dizzy
Still they holler, keep her busy Cinderelly!

Post # 62
438 posts
Helper bee

That’s your choice about how you would prefer to live.

Yeah, how dare you go on an overseas vacation while your ceiling fans remain undusted and your socks – unalphabetized!

Post # 63
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

TeresaBenedicta :  I absolutely agree that being a full time Stay-At-Home Wife or SAHH can be a worthwhile contribution. Darling Husband and I both work full time and yes our home is decently clean and there are home cooked meals and all that. However, to give an example, this evening after work we’ll be going grocery shopping then home to cook dinner. If one of us was home during the day, the grocery shopping would already be done, dinner already started by the time the working spouse got home. Weekends wouldn’t need to be a time to catch up on yardwork and gardening. So I’m seeing us both having more leisure time regardless of which one went off to work and which one did the homemaking. 

If I think of myself being home all day…..I feel I could nurture our living spaces more, that I could do more regarding DIY projects, it’s not just about running a vacuum across the floor and calling it a day. And if I think of Darling Husband being the one at home all day- well I for one would NOT under-value the man if I could go straight home and sit on the deck with a glass of wine instead of going to a Friday-crowded grocery store for the week’s shopping. And he has a green thumb, so I can totally see him expanding our existing gardens etc, his own DIY projects etc. We’re both also avid cooks and sort of foodies, so I think the at-home spouse would have more time for creativity in the kitchen.  

I wouldn’t see it as one partner busting their ass at work and one partner sitting on their ass, this perspective greatly undervalues homemaking which I still see as beneficial to both partners. 

Post # 64
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

TeresaBenedicta :  this sounds like managing a household to Goop standards is a full time job, but it’s still part time for the rest of us thanks to the blessings of modern technology.

Post # 65
343 posts
Helper bee

hampsterdance :  listen, I am not a homemaker now. I work a 9-5. My home is decently clean and tidy. I eat decently although sometimes I do steam vegetables in a plastic bag (horrors).  please do not misinterpret my statements to suggest that non homemakers cannot keep a decent house. Clearly most adults do so. But homemaking is an art, and when one member of a couple is a homemaker (or a person is hired to “make” the home) it can be performed at a higher level. It is a significant contribution to the function and wellbeing of a family. 

Post # 66
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

TeresaBenedicta :  But homeaking is an art

If you honestly think homemaking takes 40 hours a week you’re deluded. It’s total busywork.

If it’s a family with children then of course there is much more to do around the house, but the idea that a household of TWO needs one of them to stay home full time to clean the house is out of touch. 


Post # 67
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

TeresaBenedicta :  I don’t really understand what how I spend my money on or what holiday I take have to do with my opinions on SAHWs?

Post # 68
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

I can’t see being okay with a spouse not making an effort to contribute in some way or at least doing something productive with their time. That could be raising kids, could be working full or part time, going to school, etc. If I was married to someone so wealthy that I never had to work, I would still want to be doing *something*, though maybe it would be volunteer work. 

Post # 69
343 posts
Helper bee

zzar45 :  :shrug: “need” probably not. but the OP does not “need” her husband to work full time either. have you ever been a homemaker? mmm probably not. At one point I made a living doing this. I was not lollygagging around. I was by no means busy every minute but I was glad to quit at the end of each day. 

abouttodoit17 :  you choose to spend your money on a nice vacation vs. be a homemaker, or employ a homemaker. That’s your choice. But it leaves people a bit ignorant of what homemakers do all day. Try lugging a vaccume cleaner up the stairs every day and see how free and breezy you feel. Now, I doubt caring for two people in a small house with no pets would take a full 40 hrs every week. But I bet I could make that a 30 hour/week job. 

Post # 70
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

TeresaBenedicta :  30 hours a week? I’m thinking your spouse and you may be incredibly messy people? After all, most of that 30 hours, one would presume that you’d be the only one there? So it’s not even that you’d be making 3 gourmet meals for both of you daily. I have a huge house & 3 teenagers & a dog at home. I could more than maintain everything if I “worked” at it 30 hours a week. That’s 6 hours a day,  5 days a week. 

Instead, I just pay the cleaning lady to come in for a few hours a month to do the deep cleaning. 

Post # 71
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I actually like the idea of a househusband, because I’m not at all domestic and would prefer to have someone else doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. In my field (academia), it’s just an accepted fact that the men with stay-at-home wives are at a significant career advantage, because those weekend mornings can be spent on research and writing rather than cleaning and laundry.

I would have a problem if my husband didn’t want to do *anything*, but if he were committed to volunteer work, study, etc., and if I made enough money to support us both comfortably, I wouldn’t demand that he work a paid job just for the sake of it.

In the case of the OP, why not encourage your husband to pursue his lofty goals? If he ideally wants to do a history PhD, but has no college credits, why not start with a college degree and go from there? Even if he decides not to do the PhD, just getting a Bachelor’s would open up a lot more doors and give him options other than the “menial work” that he’s not interested in.

Post # 72
343 posts
Helper bee

jannigirl :  i’m not married yet, I live alone, work 9-5 and will probably continue doing so whether or not my Fiance and I have kids. But when I was younger I was domestic staff and worked a personal assistant or “home manager” was what my agency called it. I have worked full time for a single man and for a couple at different points. it varied by week in case I was expected to stay and clear the table after dinner. but it was 30-40 hours a week to make their home to the level they expected.

P.S. I did make 3 gourmet meals daily. I arrived early to make a hot breakfast. While they were eating breakfast, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper,  I made the lunch they would take with them. After they were gone I planned that night’s dinner, and the next night’s breakfast and lunch, ID’d needed ingredients for each and went shopping. Every day. I have done this as a nanny and as a single adult simply endeavoring to feed myself. Doing these things as your main occupation allows you to take more care and perform the tasks at a higher level. It isn’t that deep. As a working person I am not going to spend 2 hrs cooking dinner for me and hubby every night. I’m just not. 

Post # 73
2332 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If there are children involved, it is perfectly ok to have a stay at home parent if it is financially doable.

But if there are no children, then absolutely both of you should work. Regardless of the difference of pay. It is teamwork at the end of the day.

I’m about to become a Stay-At-Home Mom but I am quitting my job and enrolling in college that same month. Planning on switching careers while I care for our baby. I couldn’t stay home forever. No way. 

Post # 74
14899 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

After they were gone I planned that night’s dinner, and the next night’s breakfast and lunch, ID’d needed ingredients for each and went shopping. Every day.

I dunno, I’d just call that busy work and bad planning.  Plan ahead, cut a few shopping trips out, that’d save a bunch of hours…

Post # 75
11866 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

::ducks in:: Sees another thread on the bee fraught with minefields of OT nuttiness from eugenics to partner as necessary domestic staff if only they have real goals:: backs slowly out::  


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