Post # 1
Hi everyone, I would like for some advice and insight into my situation. I met my boyfriend a year ago and we established that we were in a relationship about 3 months ago. We took things slow because we didn’t want to rush into anything. I recently brought up marriage to him and he mentioned that he wants to be married, but does not want to sign any papers. He doesn’t want a legal marriage. When I asked him why, he mentioned that he doesn’t want to end up in a situation where if things don’t work out and we divorce, he’s left paying alimony for the rest of his life. He doesn’t want a messy divorce. He says that what typically happens is the man is stuck paying alimony on top of child support to the wife, basically taking all he’s worked for only to be left with nothing. I’ve explained to him that I’m not that kind of person and that if I marry, I’m going into it with the intentions of being with that person for life. His response is that people change and sometimes it’s for the worst. He says he likes me a lot and cares about me (we haven’t used the word love yet), but he doesn’t want to put himself in a situation that he will reget later. He said he will give me the ring, wedding, and everything else that comes with marriage, except the marriage license.
I’ve explained to him that in addition to love, I need security for wheoever I’ll be building my life with. He mentioned that we can always use a power of attorney to establish what would happen if he were to die or we separated and had assets together. We are both 29 and it is still early on in our relationship, but is this a red flag? Or am i looking to deep into it?
Post # 2
Red flag. Shows he lacks trust in “women” and is immature in his thinking. As a woman who will bear any children and take the career hit – you have much at stake if you forego your legal protections.
Also my ex and I have 50/50 custody and he never paid me any alimony or child support so yea… thats not really how it works.
Does your boyfriend make a lot of money? I often find men who are worried about this are either A) high earners or B) dont have a pot to piss in but have some irrational paranoia due to tall tales theyve heard about a friend of a friend
Post # 3
aswil23 : He sounds like a douche and a misogynist, you need to bail on this.
Post # 4
aswil23 : men in LOVE don’t question the what ifs… sorry but this is not a fit OP. Use this experience to filter out guys just like this
Post # 5
Does his ‘knowledge’ of how spousal and child support work come from watching old movies? Because that’s not how it works these days.
If you haven’t even used the word love yet these conversations seem premature anyway. That said, if you eventually want marriage and he does not you are incompatible on a basic level. Do not expect him to change his mind. You are not meant to be together. Time to move on.
Post # 6
I think this is a red flag about how he sees gender roles and especially how he views women. It’s a very outdated and misogynist stereotype that women “trap” men into paying for their lifestyle. It’s also an extremely negative outlook on life and also a potential warning that he’s got one foot out the door since he’s thinking about an “escape route” if things don’t go well. Marriage isn’t “I’ll commit to you, but not fully, just in case it goes badly”.
The other issue is that you guys have only been together 1 year, which is very early to start talking about marriage. It sounds like you two just don’t each other well enough. I would definitely warn you against getting married to someone who you’re not totally in sync with in terms of your life goals, morals, and values. Take your time, there’s no rush.
Post # 7
Doesn’t sound as if you are compatible. The two of you want very different things out of the relationship.
I can’t fault him for thinking about the possibility of divorce. And I dont think your “reassurances” that you intend to marry for life exactly hold much weight. I gather that 99.9999999999% of people walking into marriage don’t walk in intending to divorce and yet people divorce. It is a reality that sometimes it happens.
How he chooses to act in response to that very real possibility is what makes him incompatible with you though. You don’t want to play pretend and he doesn’t want marriage for real. Better to cut your losses now before you invest much more into the relationship and set yourself up for a whole lot of fighting and heartache in the future.
Post # 8
I don’t know what the laws are where you live, but there may be “partner support” payable, even if spousal support is not. In Alberta (where I am located), you can apply for partner support after you become Adult Interdependent Partners (three years living together, or they have a child together). So his fake wedding with no papers may not even benefit him.
That being said, I don’t know if I would want to commit to someone who had those views. I make good money, and intend to keep working after having children, but there is always the “what if”. What if I have a severely disabled child who requires me to become a stay-at-home-mum or severely reduce my work hours?
Post # 9
He wants a marriage where he doesn’t intend on sharing his assets. This is a red flag because it is not equitable and it makes some pretty unequal assumptions about female/male married relationships. No one knows what might happen in the future. You may end up (or you may already be) earning more than him.
However, it is early on in the relationship. You haven’t yet spoken of love and so discussion of personal marriage is a bit premature.
Having said this, there is nothing wrong with letting each other know your attitudes to marriage. It gives you an idea whether there is any common ground. So far, from what you’ve said, there isn’t much.
It may also be worth saying that marriage is not so much about security. It is, in fact, a huge risk. Essentially, two people throw caution to the winds and throw themselves simultaneously off a cliff with only one parachute between them. Who knows whether there will be a soft landing.
No wonder that people only do it because of love.
Post # 10
If I was with a man who viewed women as a whole this way, I would run as fast as I could. It’s closed-minded and lacks compassion or understanding for individuals. I would feel that way about someone who assumed every member of a certain cultural background or sexual orientation was the same, as well.
Post # 11
Huge red flag OP. He is basically saying he doesn’t believe in marriage. Strip away the legal excuses and that’s what he is saying to you. That is the biggest red flag that exists other than a man saying he doesn’t want kids.
OP, you don’t want the same things, I really encourage you to move on to someone else. He is already setting you up to accept less. I’ve seen it so often.
here are some phrases men use early on in dating to set a woman up to lower their expectations. Men say these and then later when a woman wants a commitment they say, well I told you at the beginning that I didn’t want X.
– I don’t want a girlfriend
– I am not looking for a relatonship
– I don’t really believe in marriage
– I don’t think I want kids
– I’m pretty busy so I don’t have a ton of free time to date
– I’m a super busy person with my job
– I want to take things slow and see where they go
You want to know why this is strange? If you are on a date with someone and you are genuinely looking for a relationship and something serious you don’t start telling the other person these things because you WANT the other person to date you. If you were at a job interterview would you say to the boss, well I really want a job but I have a lot going on in my life, OR, I want this job but it isn’t something I want long term. NO!! That would be so stupid!! The employer would not hire you if you said that Shit.
It should be the same when you are dating a guy. If a guy is serious about liking you and or wants to find a relationship he isn’t going to say anything to mess it up. He won’t tell you he is busy, he won’t tell you he doesn’t want a relationship etc. if he does say those things in his mind he thinks he is “warning you” about what he is willing to give to this. If you continue to date a guy AFTER he has told you he “doesn’t want to legally marry ever” than he thinks you AGREE with his conditions. And why wouldn’t he think that?
OP cut this guy loose, he is already making excuses for why he can’t give you commitment. That is horrible. He can’t give you what you want. Please move on and remember to listen for the excuses and cut out guys who at the start are already setting you up to be dissapointed. You want a man who is excited to marry the right person.
Post # 13
aswil23 : It is a red flag. If he doesn’t want to sign the papers, he doesn’t want to be married. Playing pretend with a ring and fancy party does not make anyone married. If he’s worried about finances and alimony, there can be a prenup. As far as child support, that’s another red flag and marriage doesn’t play a role in child support at all. If he fathers a child with you or anyone, that child is half his, and he would be responsible for helping support them. It’s a huge red flag that he mentioned child support in my opinion. It sounds like he wants the ability to cut and run and owe nothing to anyone. That’s not commitment or security for his partner at all. It also makes him sound like a complete jerk who want to be able to abandon his own child.
Post # 14
aswil23 : His attitude towards marriage sucks, but also since you just decided 3 months ago to be in a relationship I think it’s pretty early to be talking about marriage, you haven’t even exchanged I love you’s.
My husband had no intentions of ever getting married before we started dating, he was pretty much against it and didn’t think it was important, but that changed once we fell in love and he proposed to me without me having to nag at him about it.
He may or may not change his opinion on marriage, if you’re not willing to take that risk then I’d end things now and find someone who has the same idea of marriage as you do.
Post # 15
There are red flags alllll over this relationship. One thing that is odd to me is that you are discussing marriage, yet just officially became a couple three months ago and have yet expressed that you love eachother. I fully understand that every relationship is different, but this just seemed a little off to me.