(Closed) Warning my ex’s new girlfriend..should I?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I get involved?

    NO WAY

    Say something..anonymously

    Tell her everything!

  • Post # 47
    Member
    2023 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I voted “no”. As noble as it seems to tell her, it really isn’t your place. I know you’re upset about how he ruined your life, but by butting in, you’re really just stooping to his level. I know that we are all told as children to look out for eachother and treat others the way we would like to be treated, but you don’t know the full situation.

    For all you know, he could HAVE changed, or perhaps he found someone just like him and then telling her really is going to do NO good.

    If you’re religious, pray for them. If not, the universe has a funny way of working itself out in the end. Don’t worry, it’s no longer you, and that’s all you need to know.

    Post # 48
    Member
    643 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I didn’t vote, but wanted to post.

    First, if I were you, I know I would want to tell her, absolutely.

    If I decided to tell her, it would probably be in a written letter (or typed and then printed out) with a “disclaimer” on the envelope to the tune of “read this knowing it could change your relationship with _____” if you don’t think it matters for you, please feel free to discard.

    I mean, SHE could be more psycho than him for all you know, and she might whip his butt, so a crazy would give him a taste of his own medicine, so doing this would be pointless.

    I probably wouldn’t give the exact scenario, I would say, look at his parents, these things happened, might come down the line to you, etc.

    That all being said, I still don’t know if I would do it, realistically. So much of me would want to, and would think about it, but I don’t know if I would!

    The only time I got involved in an ex’s relationship was contacting HIM. I found out he was cheating on his gf of three years for over eight months with another girl. I wrote him a letter saying how I obviously didn’t know him anymore but remember when you said things to me about cheating and how you would react, feel, etc (the one being cheated on was a friend of mine, I introduced them, him and I parted ways on good terms) and while I never got a response, he did break up with the one he was cheating on (at least he didn’t continue cheating?) A closer friend of the one being cheated on contacted the “mistress” so to speak and let her know full details at the same time I contacted him, she is still with him, so it obviously didn’t matter to her. Good for them I suppose, what do I care really, but what are they going to say about their relationship at their wedding and how they met “we started dating when I was with another woman” No, but deep down they’ll know their start.

    Off track! Holy! Go with your gut, it’s tough. I am captain over-involved sometimes, so may not be a good one to listen to 🙂

    Post # 49
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    I was in an abuse relationship for 6 years. Here’s my story..

    I was your average teen acting out occasionally, had issues with my parents, like all teens do. Then I met him, i was just 17 years old, he was 20. I was young and i fell in love with a badboy. He promised me he wold give me the world. He made me beleive that, only he could love me the way he does. Only he could be there for me and protect me. That my parents did’nt really care about me, that they didn’t want me to be happy..and with his eyes, his eyes that just made you beleive evrything he said was from his heart, so sincerely..

    The first time he ever hurt me was so unexpectidly, the phone rang, it was my cousin, i said i would call him later and when i hung up, he pushed me really hard and i fell back against a nightstand and banged my back and head. He hugged me told me he was so sorry, he just didnt like when i talk to other guyz. He could never hurt me intentionnally. Next day..he was at my house, someone rang the doorbell, i answered it. It was a salesman for some product, i told him that it was a bad time, he left. I closed the door. Turned around, he was chocking me. He thought it was someone i was sleeping with thats why i said bad time.

    Thats as just the tip of the iceburg. I tried to leve then, but he became obessed with me. I became his doll, he took my virginity, he owned me, i was his proprety he’d alwayz like to say.

    So i acted out more at home, and eventually got kicked out, my mom said after begging me to leave him, that he was changing me and if i chose to stay with him, to leave. So i did. At that point he was living on the street, so thats where i went.

    I eventually came back home and he just bounced around from place to place.

    During that time, i would get a hit here and the for x reasons, my attitude or the way i said something, i wasn’t allowed to walk with my head up, cause he thought i wanted everyone that walked by us. I wasnt allowed to watch tv or movies because i wanted the men on tv, but he would do it in a way that would make him look good and me like an idiot. To other ppl he was such a great guy, behind closed doors he was not. He tried secluding me from my family, he already was capablee of secluding me from my friendz.

    I mean it didnt happen all the time where he would beat me, but there was rules and if they werent being respected……

    Yet he cheated on me many times, dissapeared for days sometimes, but i got treated like i did something wrong!

    But yet he was still my protector against other ppl, he bought me nice thingz(with my own money)lol He taught me many thingz, he alwayz had an answer for my 1000 of questions about the world, we had a special bond, but with a dark secret..

    He wanted us to get an appartment together, but i always came up with excuses i knew if i was alone at all times with him…I was scarred..

    But then, the unexpected, i got pregnant..He was so happy he wanted a child..I wasnt allowed on birth control or condoms cause that meant i was cheating..

    I was 20, we were living together and here we are with a newborn babyboy..

    The fighting stopped, he hadnt really hit me, except when he threw me across the bathroom when i was 7 months pregnant right up against the tub.. I remember begging and screaming “please our baby our baby!!!! He stopped.

    So here we are new little family everythings going perfect..Then it starts again..First the cheating, then the dissapearing.. Then the pysical abuse again, i had 2 broken noses, 2 black eyes, a swollen neck from all the chocking, bruses, busted lips ect… Again, it wasnt a daily thing, only if i somehow set off a trigger, its like he would change into a different person almost..It was scarry, i wanted to leave but i was trapped..I was even more his property now that we had a child.

    I was at home most of the time alone with our son already, when what do you know, im pregnant again. I thought of abortion, but at this point i had only my son to keep me sane and now i was gonna have two children to love and who will love me seing he cut ties with all my riends and most my family..My mother had no idea what i was going through(abuse)..although she suspected it, coming from an abusive relationship herself with my father when she had me..Till this day, i have not been honest with her, i dont wanna put her throght the pain of her knowing i went through what she did, but worse alot worse.

    When i told her i was pregnant again she said “Ask yourself this question, can you raise a child alone? Without him? I knew it would take every once of sweta, blood and tears.. I knew i was strong enough.

    So here i akm with a new babygirl, and i am so in love with her, happy i didnt go through an abortion. The abuse stopped while i was pregnant but continued shortly after i gave birth..

    He was cheating, his excuse cause i just gave birth i was bleeding and it hurt..So he found other girls..

    I never called the police because where im from, even if you call the police, they are let go shorly after. And if they go to jail, its not for very long, they will come back and they will get you. I was terrified, i wanted to leave, it wasnt safe. Now that i had his kids, i was his and they were his and nothing would take that away from him.

    But i moved to a different city for a short while to a family memebers house. He eventually found a girl he fell for and i knew it was safe to come back home.

    I eventually moved out of our appartment, meanwhile he was bringing girls into our house. But once i began a new life with my kids, he was slowly dissapearing from there lives.

    Its been 4 years, that i was able to break free. My daughter asked me just the other day why she doesnt see her daddy anymore and how its not fair every other little girl has a daddy and not her..It broke my heart..He doesnt do a damn thing for them, except when he is with his girlfriend(on and off). Which will bring me to my final subject.. Its hard very hard taking care of children on your own trying to finish your education and be a full time mother, but i do it because I know that I gave my all and more to my children!!!

    He changed his ways so he says and i was able to maintain a civil relationship with him..He talks to me abouut her sometimes, says shes crazy and he makes her angry but he promises he doesnt lay his hands on her…She has reached out to me several times, he is beating her worse than me, although me and her have had issues in the past for misunderstandings through him, we were finally able to talk and im very concerned for her. She is in the situation i was in, but she is so lost in his brainwashing..

    I want to help her, i feel its my duty for some reason, i dont want anything to happen to her..He needs to be stopped, enough already..I dont know where he lives or where she lives, i dont know where he works nothing..What do i do?

     

    Post # 50
    Member
    2295 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    View original reply
    @amanda514: Wow- this is intense…I really dont know what to advise, but I think you need to go to the police for yourself, and for this woman…Im glad you got out, but I think you still need protection from this man, and to cut him out from your life!

    Post # 51
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee

    Why are you still talking too / involved in this mans life ? If he treated you so badly, why would you even give him the time of day, be friends on line with him ? That is very confusing to me that you would be in a healthy relationship and yet giving the ex bf the time of day. You need to get busy in your current relationship and mind your own business.

    Frankly and I hope I’m way wrong, but I kinda read your post more like you might be jealous in some odd way. People in abusive relationships walk away and never look back !!! I’ve been there, done that and I don’t know anyone who ever stayed involved with an abuser to even talk about past or current. Women and men who have been through that situation will tell you, you can not save him, her or the world from an abuser, so stop wasting your time and move along now. If he’s such a bad person and your scared, Id not be taking any risk of him coming back at you for ruining him/his reputation. 

    Post # 52
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    View original reply
    SecretBee23 :  I had to open an account in order to reply to your post i ran accross., i could resist replying to you. I just recently warned a gal about my ex boyfriend of 9 months. he left saying he wasnt ready for a relationship and that he has porn/lust issues and feels god is convicting him. we met in bible study and thought this guy was a wise choice. I told her everything he told me, all his issues, what he said when he left me. everyone i met, his family, a vacation we went on and stayed with his mom.he replaced my bedroom carpet within the first 3 months o dating, replaced my bathroom door, hooked up my ice machin on my fridge, took me and my 2 boys up noth for a weeked. bought my kids 16 and 14 hunting and fishing things. said he loved me, bought me diamond earrings for christmas, which i tossed in the gabage alon with a ring he bought from his cousin that was selling it. he shined it up and gave to me while on vacation. so this ended with im not ready for a relationship. he bought a new tv, its still here, he left 8 months ago, hes not getting it back, he doesnt want it.he told the new girl he was seeing a gal who has two teenagers and felt he wasnt ready for that. I get that, but i have awesome boys, i have no problemb with them and are very busy, they arent around much. he never mentioned them being an issue to me. he. lets just say everyone at church new us and thought we would get married one day, thats how good he fooled all of us. i definately feel strongly about sharing your experience with the new person, especially when so much has happened. people dont really change unless they found God and you see a dramatic change in that person. Im thankful he left, he doesnt have what it takes to have a quality relationship. he has poor dredit, 46 years old and doesnt qualify for financing to purchase a home, has two vehicles in poor condition and lives with his aunt and uncle, helping them out at their home. He asked this gal out 5 months after leaving me, that to me doesnt seem like hes not ready for a relationship, hes still at his same old routine. she happens to live a few blocks from e too, i can say im still hurt but i have come out of it learning a lot. he is very nice, to nice…has charm and sweet innocent eyes that will get him a long way until he decided to run, which is what i felkt he did. one last thing, that is ists hard to understand how someone can leave your life and want nothing to do with you, move onto another person and be just fine. i will never understand that type. Tnank you for giving me this opportunity to shar my story .

    Post # 52
    Member
    47339 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

     

    View original reply
    dogs :  This thread is SIX years old. SecretBee23 has not been active on these Boards for two years.

    Post # 53
    Member
    133 posts
    Blushing bee

    I can’t believe how many women are telling you not to say anything. If I were the new girlfriend, I would absolutely want this information. She might not want to hear it, and it might be a really awkward conversation. But at least when he starts pulling this shit with her, she’ll have your warning in the back of her mind. You might save her some of the pain you went through.

    Unless you fear for your own safety, I think you have a responsibility to tell her.

    Post # 54
    Member
    161 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I replied without noticing someone had necroposted. :/ hope things turned out ok. 

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  tiaralover. Reason: Edited out because the thread was old
    Post # 55
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    View original reply
    anabri09 :  i hear this alot she has to learn for herself. If a women is raped by a man, do you then just say oh well the next girl she will have to learn for herself. Its abuse its not a relationship. warn her, if we all warned eachother then we would start hearing eachother. just send her signs and symptoms of abuse say you really hope he is not abusing you , but he abused me and I felt it was my responsibility to warn you, just public health. Just an email heads up. 

    Post # 56
    Member
    27 posts
    Newbee

    Why are you even allowing this guy to still communicate with you?  Stop all communicate and get away asap! This is none of your business and you should be focus on yourself and getting a more healthy relationship with someone else worth your time and attention. 

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