(Closed) Warning Sign???

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I don’t know if it’s a warning sign, per se, but it IS kind of a red flag. That guy sounds like he’s wicked messed up, if nothing else. I was abused badly for two years and he never said anything like that–he just did stuff, lol.

Post # 4
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

That is very disconcerting and I’d have to reevaluate my relationship with someone like that if it were my SO.  I don’t find abuse funny at all and joking like that or even saying that when they argue is very inappropriate.

Post # 5
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If I was your friend, I would be concerned that her husband laughs off her requests to stop. It is very innappropriate to even joke about violence. Sometimes people say things that are inappropriate, knowing they are innappropriate, then cover it up when people complain by saying “It was just a joke!” ….

I don’t like it one bit. Perhaps bring it up with your friend again? She now knows that it is not normal (becuase she asked you about it). I would say you are concerend and just want to make sure she feels safe. She may or may not open up to you, but it is worth it to ask!

Post # 6
Member
690 posts
Busy bee

I think she needs to tell him (when they are not in the middle of joking around) that it bothers her and that he really shouldn’t say stuff like that.  If he’s a decent guy, he should realize how BAD it is to joke about abuse like that and cut it out immediately. 

Post # 7
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

What worries me more than him saying it is his response when she says to knock it off. People have weird senses of humor and it could be he just has a somewhat inappropriate one. But he should respect when she says it bugs her. 

Post # 8
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, that kind of made me uncomfortable reading.  I’ve been in emotionally/verbally abusive relationships before and stuff like this creeps me out.  I agree with @Statutory Grape – it’s a major red flag.

Post # 9
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I wouldn’t necessarily be concerned about true joking threats.  I mean I think we’ve all probably told someone in a very joking way something along the lines of “I’m gonna kick your butt” or something like that when someone cracks a joke at your expense or something…but not during arguements.  And if his are as specific as you indicated (face, wrists, etc) that’s concerning.

It’s also concerning that he doesn’t listen when she says it bothers her, rather or not he’s joking is obviously a red flag – but not listening to her worries is definitely a problem in my opinion.

I agree with Valhalla’s suggestions; good luck and I hope everything ends up for the best!

 

Post # 10
Hostess
16215 posts
Honey Beekeeper

“Break your wrist” doesn’t sound all that funny to me, and it doesn’t really fall in the facetious “I’m going to kick your butt” types of comments. I’d be alarmed.

Post # 11
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

@Gemstone:  I agree, it’s too specific and in my opinion, very weird.

Post # 12
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I wouldnt be so concerned FH and I tell that to each other all the time.

The only thing I would see thats not ok is that she told him she didnt like it. Which he prob doesnt understnad because they have been doing it so long and he doesnt get the sudden reason to stop.

Post # 13
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t know if its necessarily a warning sign for abuse, but the only abusive relationship I’ve been in (both mentally and one-time physically) was the only type of relationship where there were jokes like this. If my SO said something like that, especially when we were arguing, I would be extremely uncomfortable.

And I also agree with Gemstone, specific threats (break a wrist, punch in the head, etc.) seem different too from general joking around comments.

Post # 15
Member
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It is not a SIGN of abuse.  It IS abuse.  The threat of physical harm is abuse, and it is the beginning of worse abuse to come.

The fact that she asked you about it is proof that she’s concerned. She might not realize it, but she was reaching out for help, because she obviously knows this isn’t right or normal.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do except be there for her. Research options for her in case she needs them, such as women’s shelters, PPOs, counselors, etc. Have them ready for her.  Then watch for signs that the abuse is escalating, because it’s very possible that it will.

See if you can locate a book called “Get Rid of Him” by Joyce L. Vedral. It’s an older book, copyright 1993, but it was the book that convinced me to leave my first husband who was abusive. It’s also the book that I have given to two friends and one co-worker who I suspected might be being abused…They all said it was the most helpful book they had ever read.

Just a little case history… My first husband was charming, and the abusive trend started very, very, very slowly. He didn’t hit me until the very end, but he had threatened to many times and always laughed it off after the argument was over, saying that I should know he’d never hurt me.  Well the night he did finally hit me, he knocked my jaw out of place and it took a chiropractor 2.5 hours just to make it so I could stand straight, it took probably 4 more visits to put my back into alignment.

So many people don’t think it’s abuse because he hasn’t hit his wife or girlfriend or fiancee. He’s a good guy. He has lots of friends. He’s a good provider. Blah, blah, blah.  If he’s such a good guy, then why does he have to threaten physical violence to intimidate the person he says he loves?

Sorry… Be there for your friend. Like I said, she might not realize it, but she was asking for help when she talked to you about it.

Post # 16
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Hmm…This is a interesting one.  I really can’t say what it means because I feel like it’s different with every couple.  My husband and I are like that all the time.  If he annoys me or makes me mad, sometimes I’ll say something like “I’m so mad I could punch you in the face” or, “I am so going to bust your knee cap for that one.”  With that being said, never has either one of us sad anything like that in an actual argument/fight.  It’s just said when we’re joking around, or just slightly annoyed.  And NEVER has either one of us other hit/punched/kicked eachother in anger…only when joking around.  So, if someone was worried about our relationship because of the things we’d said, I’d tell them to lay off…chill out..it’s none of their business.  Because there is really nothing to be worried about.  Now, if my Darling Husband or I had a violent temper or reason for concern for the comments being made, then yeah, there’s cause for worry.

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