Was anyone else's mom totally uninterested in them getting married?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I can’t say that my mom is like this but I had a very one-sided relationship with my dad. Mine was a little bit different because he was abusive, but he always expected me to be there for him and give, give, give but he didn’t want to do the same for me. He put me in the parent role. Unfortunately, you can’t make your mom act right. I wish she would get smart and be an active participant in your life but there’s really nothing you can do to make her. So what you have to do is protect your heart and limit your contact. If you don’t reach out, you can’t be hurt by her lack of response or caring.

Post # 3
Member
5940 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
graces7 :  I have the very same mother, so I can totally relate. It took me a reeeeeeeeally long time to figure out what you seem to have already.

One line stuck out for me, “Maybe the wedding was just finally the time that I learn to accept she is never going to be the way my fiance’s mom is.” That’s what I had to finally do. I finally lowered my expectations. I used to expect that she would be happy for me, supportive, excited to hear the things that make me excited – just like how I feel I treat her and anyone else I love. But no. She isn’t. She could almost care less. It’s a really weird realization and feeling.

My friend has a great mom and I have wished she could be like her. Super bubbly, wants to hang out, wants to have holidays together, happy that her daughter is happy, having lunch together. But I stopped because it will never, ever happen.

So really my only advice is to lower your expectation because she is not going to be the mom you want and deserve. And also look for support and such in friends and other family (if you have it – I don’t have family). I have definitely found I turn to my 2 best friends now. Where I would have called my mom right away on something, I call them.

Post # 4
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

My mom is a good woman, but my relationship with her was pretty much one-sided since I’ve decided I needed to grow up and started building boundaries and saying no to her on her expectations. It became obvious when she stopped calling me after my dad passed away about 8 years ago. In her mind, she expects her children to always give in to her expectations, though unsaid. For years I agonised and yearned for her side of communication. I left home for uni and never stayed home permanently since.. 

She was happy for us when we told her my fiancé proposed. No offering help except when I brought up that if she wants to have a banquet in my hometown, she can do whatever she wants. Though she said we just needed to inform her two months before so that she could book the restaurant etc, my fiancé did bring up the fact that my mom didn’t seem particularly interested in doing so.. we won’t be doing a sit-down reception where we are because of budget. His parents are absolutely thrilled about our wedding and his mom burst into tears when we asked them to be our witnesses for the legal registration of marriage. It was a stark difference between my mom and his. But I can’t and won’t expect my mom to be like his, because it’ll just cause me more sorrows. So I focus on how awesome and supportive everyone else is because so many people are supportive of us.. as for the mother issue… I can’t change the fact she’s who she is, and so, let it go (though it still hurts). She’s still going to be there for my Church ceremony and all but to be honest, I don’t expect any help from any of my family members. It’s sad, but it’s what it is…

As for your case.. can’t you sort out a cheaper venue nearer to where you both are, where it’s easier for you and your Fiancé and your close friends etc? Or will you lose a huge chunk of money by cancelling? Or will you need to spend more money because of that tripling of cost? I’ll do some risk assessment and see which would would save you more money.

Also, if your mom doesn’t care so much, then focus on the need on those who care. And focus on what you both desire most. Hugs.

Post # 5
Hostess
4389 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’m right there with you. My mom hasn’t given a shit about me since I was 16 years old. She’s just so totally mired in her own crap about how terrible her life is (it isn’t) that she hasn’t had time for anyone else in a long time. When I was 15 she sat me down in the kitchen and told me how much she regretted having kids and how much better her life would have been if none of us had ever been born. When I got accepted to the college of my choice she yelled at me and told me to not expect her help paying for it. When I told her I was getting married (2nd marriage) and wanted to go dress shopping, she yelled at me and told me I should just wear the same dress I wore in my first wedding. The list goes on and on… 

Aaaaaand yet I keep trying. I called her last week to get advice about my son having some teen drama and she yelled at me and told me I deserved it because of what a bad teen I was (I wasn’t) and that all her kids hate her, so I should just get used to it. I got petty and told her that if all her kids hate her maybe she needs to look at the common denominator. I will continue having a relationship with her because I love my dad and my brothers and they all spend time together. I very deliberately live 7 hours away from them. I hate that I constantly have to apologize to my kids because their grandma is insane and so many of my parenting choices hinge on “what would my mom do in this situation?” and then doing the opposite. 

So, no advice because I continue to subject myself to her wretched, toxic behavior. Just sympathy and *hugs* I also have some amazing maternal figures in my life, and that makes a huge difference. My ex-husband”s mom and step mom have been there for me since I was 16, and DH’s mom is awesome too. Having those women has made a really big impact on the woman I have become, regardless of the crap treatement I received from my bio-mom. 

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