Post # 1
I am looking to hear from people who had to go through the obstacle of an unsupportive family prior to or following their decision to get engaged/married.
My story: My boyfriend and I have talked marriage for a while. We both know we want to spend the rest of our lives with eachother. However, my family (my parents and both my older brothers) are not at all supportive of the idea of me marrying. I think it is mostly due to my age (I turn 24 in October) and I do not think it is because they have a problem with my SO. But regardless of the reasoning, it hurts me a lot. I want to know how to get past it.
I realize that just because people aren’t supportive doesn’t mean you should let it ruin your life or let it stop you from doing what you want. But I have always been close to my family, and I just desperately want their support in this! If I get engaged, no one will even be happy for me. I would be all excited and wanting to share in that with the people I love, but I would have to do it alone. That really hurts, bees.
Anyone have any wisdom or advice to throw my way? Much appreciated as always 😀
Also, boyfriend and I have been dating for 13 months so far. I realize we have not been together too long, but we are both on the same page about having a long engagement. I’ve even explained that to my family when they catch me day dreaming out loud about the prospect of getting engaged, but they still shut me down. It sucks so much..
EDIT: Also, I went looking at rings the other day (just for fun of course.) And my boyfriend sent a pic of a prospective ring I showed him to his sister. Her reply was also very curt and unsupportive. Something like “This is way too quick to get engaged.” And that’s it, nothing else. UGH!
I understand not AGREEING with someone’s decision, but I believe regardles, if you love someone, you should at least be supportive! Let them make their own mistakes!
This topic was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by live2lov3.
Post # 2
Everybodty is different and there are plenty of very happy people who have been in your shoes, but IMO, 24 and 13 months together is too soon.
At 31, I barely recognize the girl (yes girl) I was at 24. I had a blast but looking back I was not ready for the lifestyle changes that this first year of marriage has presented us. We are also both much more financially stable.
(DH and I met when I was 24- married at 30 btw)
I’m not saying your parents have the right to be unsupportive, but they have a right to wish you could wait
Post # 3
My husband and I knew each other 6 WEEKS before we got engaged and we married not too long afterward. Everyone thought we were insane. No one was supportive but we believed in us, we believed in the union and we felt SURE we were doing the right thing. We were right.
It’s nice when everyone is onboard but sometimes people just aren’t going to be. You need to do what you feel is right for the two of you. Prove them all wrong 🙂
Post # 4
24 is not that young (I was married just shy of my 24th birthday, after 4 years together), but as much as I also want to believe that time together isn’t all that important, it’s still important. I personally would also be skeptical of a 13 month old relationship with the participants being in their 20s, but I also know that that is not an indication of anything.
All I’m going to say is this: make sure you’re dreaming of being with him in marriage, and not dreaming of the idea of marriage. It’s not easy to tell that apart either, especially when you sound so passionately in love 🙂 As for your unsupportive family, you’re marrying him, they aren’t. I’m sorry that you love them so much and desperately want their support even if they disagree, but unfortunately you can’t make people do something they don’t want to.
Like a PP said, they have a right to wish you could wait.
Post # 5
Totally in your shoes right now. We’ve been together longer, 2 years, but arent fully independent due to being full-time students. Both work but if we were “cut off” from our families, we’d starve and would have to drop out. I know my family wouldn’t be thrilled about me getting engaged at this point in my life. I have the ring, although no ones knows outside of the bee. I want the engagement to come as an announcement of establishing our independent lives together, apart from our families.
We want to spend the rest of our lives together; what’s another 2 or 3 years in the context of a lifetime?
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2015 - Redondo Beach Historic Library
My parents were also very critical when we first got engaged. We were a little younger than you (I was 23 he was 22) and we ended up spending 3 (!) years engaged, finally getting married this June 🙂 Like you, when we got engaged we knew it would be awhile before we got married. We were both in school and wanted to be on stable financial footing first (also one of the major criticisms from my parents.) So how did we handle the criticism? Well, we didn’t talk about the engagement at all to our parents. We knew that wedding planning was years away anyway, so there was no reason to mention it to them, all it would do was start an unnecessary fight. We got the rings on our own and neither hid them nor flaunted them in front of our family. Eventually they pretty much forgot about it. Finally last summer, when we were both ready to start wedding planning, we sat down and had a talk with them saying that the wedding was going to happen and we would love for them to be a part of it (leaving it unspoken that it would also happen without them if necessary!) It took them a few weeks to get used to the idea–even though we were both older and financially stable at that point they still had these old arguments in their heads. But once the wedding planning really got going they were excited to be a part of it.
I guess in short my advice is, leave your family out of it for now. If you keep talking about the engagement you will just keep starting arguments and creating tension and ill will. If you’re not actually getting married anytime soon, let them get used to the idea first.
Post # 7
Ooh, if you’re still counting your relationship in months it might be a bit soon.
Are you both financially independent? Where will you live when you are married? Are either of you gainfully employed? Have you both completed your educational goals? Will you have a wedding, and if so who will foot the bill? There’s a lot to consider with a legally binding contract, and it will be a lot harder to start this new phase of your life without the support of your family.
I’m 24 as well and will be 26 by my wedding, and will have been with my person for about 5 years. If you know you’ll be with him til death do you part, there’s no reason to rush (unless there’s some pressing matter I didn’t see in your post).
Post # 8
My sister is 23 (although just turned 23) and I think how I would respond if she told me she was getting engaged to a boy she was dating for 13 months. I might possibly say the same thing…that in my opinion, it’s too soon. I agree that people should be left to make their own mistakes, but marriage and the possibility of divorce is more than just what I consider to be an, “Oops, made a mistake!” I am NOT trying to say that I think this is what will happen with you, but I am of the personal opinion that you truly don’t know someone until you’ve dated for at least 2 years. That is just me. That’s not to say that all relationships will fail if they don’t date 2 years, there are many that would prove me wrong, but if it were my own sister, I would be worried. I admit it.
Now, that’s not to say that I wouldn’t come to the wedding or be a part of her day. But I would be having at least 1 serious talk with her to express myself (certainly more than a 1 sentence text) and my concerns. As long as I liked her SO fine I would need to accept that if I want to be a part of her life, I have to accept her choices as an adult. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t tell it like it is in the beginning though. Whether that’s taken as “support” or not isn’t really up to me, but I can understand both of your families concerns.
Post # 9
I was partially in the same boat as you so here is my story (I am 23, going to be 24 in June):
I met my Fiance my junior year of college. I had no intention on meeting anyone because I had gotten out of a 5 year realationship with a dud of a man and felt I needed to have some me time. Little did I know fate stepped in and led me to my Fiance. I told my Fiance I was moving to TN (we were both born and raised in MN) after I graduated college and if he had no desire to move I did not want to start anything with him. He had nothing really holding him back and agreed to the idea of moving after graduation. We started dating in Oct and signed a lease together in Jan of that same year. My Fiance comes from a very traditional family who believes it is wrong for people to live together if they are not married so right off the bat they did not like my FI’s (boyfriend at the time) life choices with me in the picture, even though the move was a mutual decision. I had only met his family once before we moved in together and that was before we were dating. So we moved in together and everything was great. My Fiance accepted that they did not like us moving in together and decided his happness was more important than his families negative feelings towards us and our relationship. We went and visited his family multiple times but they were always very cold towards me. One time his sister came to our work to say hello to my Fiance (we worked at the same place at the time) and I walked up to them and said a friendly hello she turned her back to me and kept talking to my Fiance as if I didn’t exist. I was so offended! I had done nothing wrong, I was never rude, and I did not deserve treatment like that. So that went on for our whole dating relationship. When we graduated college it just happened to work out that we graduated at the same time and I thought it would be the perfect moment for our families to meet and say hello…NOPE his sisters and father did not want to waste time meeting my family because they were hungry. So they went one way and my family and I went another. It took the fun out of graduation to not be able to celebrate it with the one I love. ANY WHO… In April, my Fiance dropped another bomb on his family that he was going to propose to me. When he told his family all they said was “Well…congradulations….I guess…” and that was it. We got engaged and I was beyond excited! After he told them we were engaged he then said that he was moving to TN with me. We decided to do a long engagement since we were moving and all of our funds were going towards that. Plus we knew we would be together forever and when the right time came up we would pull the plug and plan a wedding. We have been down in TN for almost a year now and we are happier than ever! PS our wedding is in Oct and heres another kicker our families still have never met! This wedding should be interesting!
All in all it has been a real struggle between me and his family but in the end my Fiance and I are happy together and that is truly all that matters. He is going to be there for me and I will be there for him and that is what a marriage should be about. Day by day I try my hardest to include my Future Mother-In-Law and sisters in on our daily life down here but they truly are not interested. They have come around a bit..but mostly just accepted that we are happy together and that they have no control over our life.
I think if you two are happy you should make decisions based of that because at the end of the day it will be you and your Fiance and no one else. I say forget the families negativity and go with your gut. Thats the only way YOU will be happy.
Post # 10
Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate all the input and advice!
Yes, we are both financially independent. We are also both gainfully employed. I graduated college in 2013. He is still working on his undergrad, but he works full time while doing that. We both make decent money in our jobs. We have lived together for 7 months. Like I said, I completely agree that 13 months is too short of a time to get married, but like I said, we would have a long engagement. Probably a couple years, since he is still finishing school and I plan to maybe go back and get a graduate degree.
But we are independent of our families. They don’t give us any money anymore, we are on our own completely. But obviously being 23 (and he is 26 by the way) I am still trying to figure SOME stuff out (grad school, etc.) But in my opinion, we never will have it “all figured out.” I feel like if we wait for some specific moment in time where we do have it “all figured out,” it will never come.
I don’t know, just my opinion.