Post # 31
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
He sounds like a lazy man-child. The resentment you have built up (for completely legitimate reasons) will be difficult to overcome EVEN IF he does a 180, which is doubtful.
Ugh. There are so many great guys out there. Why choose one that you have to mother and resent.
Post # 32
futuresanchez : Totally agree with you that first you pay bills, then have the fun money.
Post # 33
I mean, he sounds like a selfish mooch but this isn’t the right time to tell him that, because he literally asked you if he could get a tattoo and you told him yes.
Separate from the tattoo incident you two need to sit down and really get on the same page regarding finances. A PP recommended Venmo and that is a really good suggestion, but regardless of how you two decide to do it, he needs to start contributing financially to the household. If you are already feeling resentment then it will only get worse. You need to tell him that you are feeling resentment, and tell him that he isn’t focusing on school so it’s time to split the bills like an actual adult.
Post # 34
BeeBlake : Responding specifically to this because I’m sure others are wondering the same thing. In terms of helping out with bills, he has previously paid for groceries, and 1 time about a month ago gave me money from a paycheck he got from a temp job. Other than that, no. He has however demonstrated generosity in certain ways over the years – planning a day for us to spend together as a surprise for me and footing the bill for all of the things we did that day (he’s done this a few times), he’s always given very thoughtful and considerate gifts, he’s rearranged our apartment (without me asking) the way I want it when I’ve been out of town for a weekend, and he’s also made lunch/dinner for me many, many times over the years.
And yes, when we got engaged he planned a whole proposal with a ring he chose based on specific things I’d said in the past I liked. He also saved for this ring and paid in full.
Also, to those saying I “literally told him to get a tattoo”, I don’t see that AT ALL. Again, when I got the text (verbatim) “How would you feel about me get another tattoo on the same arm I already have one on?” I took it as a casual conversation of something he was thinking about, NOT a signal that it would be happening right then. I’ll just remember this in the future of a great example of how conversations get misconstrued via text I guess!
Post # 35
He is using you whether you don’t want to believe it or not.No self respecting man would live off of a woman like this and no self respecting man should need to even be told he has to contribute. I would never be with a man who is not willing to be a financial equal.He knows what he is doing so not sure what counseling is supposed to convince him of.But of course you’re in love so this will keep going on and on and on although he might contribute occasionally to shut you up
Post # 36
If you guys decide to work out, get counseling. He needs to hear it from a third party how out of line he is.
If that doesn’t work, I’d be out of there so fast.
Post # 37
Not sure why anyone thinks this is your fault for not communicating enough or that it’s your job to tell a grown ass man that he has to pay bills before getting a tattoo.
Yeah, communication is important- but newsflash, it won’t make a baby brat grow up. And this man is a baby brat.
No one here would tolerate a female bee buying herself a new purse while living off of her boyfriend for years and claiming she just didn’t think about bills because although he asked her to contribute, he didn’t demand a specific amount.
Post # 38
futuresanchez : All of his gestures sound weak in comparison to what you’ve done for him..
Not that you should be keeping score. But if I was with someone who was footing my bills for EVERYTHING, I’d be kissing their ass SO hard that the list would be novel length. I’d also never dream of spending money on a tattoo when I should be contributing money towards living expenses.
He’s a man child who needs to grow up. How old are you two?
Post # 39
I haven’t read the other responses yet, so sorry if my answer is redundant.
I think because your ask isn’t concrete, iit’s hard to say that he hasn’t been responsible. Not saying it’s an excuse, he definitely should have offered to contribute long before now, but maybe it’s time to come up with some hard numbers. Find out how much his new paycheck is, and sit down with him to create a firm budget. Let him know that he owes $X for rent, $X for utilities, etc. You can break it down by equal percentage of your income if it doesn’t work to split half and half. And figure out a reasonable alotment of fun money. That way, he can save up for his (next?) tattoo and you won’t resent it.
Post # 40
futuresanchez : To me it sounds like you were already feeling some kind of way about your arrangement, and it all bubbled to the surface with this tattoo thing. While I don’t think in the grand scheme of things him getting a tattoo (that maybe he thought you were OK with based on your text conversation) is that big of a deal, I would be beyond fed up with the months and months of him not contributing and then even thinking to spend on a tattoo over contributing to the household or maybe even treating you because now he has the means to. I can’t beleive it took you this long!
I think you two need to have a serious conversation about his level of contribution ASAP, and you need to listen carefully to his responses. I think the fact that he was OK with the way things were for so long does not bode well for him wanting to change now…
Post # 41
He’s a freeloader and has no problem taking advantage of you. Essentially he’s a parasite. Dump.
Post # 42
I know this is tough, but you’ve got to face reality.
I once had to tell one of my son’s girlfriends who had approached me about his behavior, that she needed to open her eyes and realize that he was way too immature and selfish for her to consider this a long term relationship, unless she was willing to invest years to wait for him to grow up. It was almost 9 years later before I saw him willing to grow up and be a man for a different woman.
If he isn’t showing any signs of compromise for you, it’s not the relationship that would be a basis for marriage.
Post # 43
oh wow his gestures are great, you can really appreciate those memories when you’re homeless and starving because his mooch-ass emptied your bank account!
You know there’s a huge problem here, now take our advice and Dump that loser! Do you want to be a sugar momma? Do you want a future with this idiot who can’t keep a stable job or finish school? How do you think life will be when you have kids? You gave him enough time to get his shit together and he got a tattoo- bullshit is his priority not you! If he’s not on the apartment lease kick him out immediately! Otherwise talk to your manager about how to get you or him off the lease. This game is over.
Post # 44
Sweetheart you are engaged to a leech. Leave this guy and find someone who deserves you. He should be (1) helping you with bills, (2) putting money aside as savings, and (3) spending what he has left, not (1) spend money on a tattoo, (2) maybe help my fiancée cover overheads, and (3) not saving anything.
Post # 45
Butterfly6 : Your comment “but of coure you’re so in love this will keep going on and on and on” was unnecessarily snarky. I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m NOT ok with this situation or how things have been going. I understand that I’ve had big issues with communication and enabling this behavior, and he obviously holds a lot of responsibility as well. I came here for outside opinions and support, so if you have rude comments you can keep them to yourself.
anthonyswife : I’m 33 and he’s 31