(Closed) Was he inappropriate? Does it matter anymore? Did I snoop too much?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

always-trying:  Oh dear…..

As I see it there are two problems here. The first is that your husband might have been having an emotional affair with another woman, as evidenced by the fact that he never told you about someone that he exchanged daily communication with and was obviously important to him. Is there anyone that important in your life that you have kept secret from your husband? I’m guessing no.

The other problem is that you seem to not be able to discuss this very serious issue with your partner due to being afraid of his reaction! WTF? The very second that I discovered those emails I would have discussed it with him. He was the one who had explaining to do not you.

It so critical in a marriage that you be able to have open communication. You absolutely deserve to know his intentions with that girl, his reasons for ignoring you and you absolutely deserve for him to be able to understand and accept your feelings and work with you to make it better. 

Just so you know I recently went through my husband’s phone messages to a female friend he has out of town, so I understand the temptation to snoop and feeling guilty about doing it. However, I did not just push the whole situation under the rug even though I found nothing inappropriate in the messages, because I needed to process my feelings about the whole matter and my H is my go-to person to help me with that. I would always begin with talking to my husband before seeing a therapist and never 

Post # 33
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

* sorry cut off post*

Never keep from my husband something that I needed to see a therapist for. In my situation I fessed up and apologized for his invasion of privacy, while also discussion the reason I felt tempted to snoop in the first place. This open and CALM communication helped us both understand each other better and reaffirmed trust.

Please pease please seek counselling for both of you together, and practice communicating with him openly even if he reacts poorly. Although if you do feel in actual danger at any point please do call your local distress line.

Post # 34
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

always-trying:  YIKES!!! This sounds so upsetting!! Let me share with you my perspective on things and you can do with it what you may.

1. There is no snooping in a marriage. People are entitled to privacy but not secrets. For example, Darling Husband doesn’t have to tell you what he talks about with his friends, etc because that’s private. A secret is having a person he confides in that he never talks about with you. So when you unearth a secret, like his communication with this woman, he’s breaking a fundamental rule in marriage, namely trust. His communication with this woman you don’t know, his secrecy, broke your trust. There needs to be accounting for that.

2. You aren’t being fair to anyone, him or yourself and certainly not your marriage, by “dealing” with your own secrets, namely “snooping” (and I use that term loosely) instead of giving him the opportunity of making things right. You have a lot of questions and are feeling shitty for a very good reason. Why is it fair that you have to fall in line with his habit of secrecy? That’s dysfunctional! How is the world can you continue to build a future with someone who is so protective of this “relationship” that they refuse to let in their wife? 

3. This. Isn’t. Your. Fault. Say it again a million times until you believe it. 

4. You aren’t responsible for his behavior and his reactions. He sounds so inappropriate, though. You CANNOT let the potential of his exposions keep you from doing things that healthy people do in a relationship- namely TALK about the good, bad, and ugly. He owes an explanation and you avoiding this whole thing because of his explosions is really unhealthy. At worst, it sounds manipulative and abusive. 

 

Post # 35
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

*made an error

Post # 36
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

always-trying:  

If you let this silence on your end go on, it will eat away at you.

You are his wife and you have the right to know the nature of his relationship with this woman.

To be honest, I would go off on Darling Husband if I were in your shoes. Why?

Here’s why:

1.His emotional connection to her was (is?) inappropriate; and he obviously didn’t share the nature and frequency of their connection for a reason…

2.He downplayed you as you weren’t discussed with any kind of consistency. If this was a genuinely platonic thing, your name would come up a lot…on both sides. I ask my male friends about their wives and gfs when we talk.

3.Though the emails have stopped, she obviously still has a hold on him that he would freak out like that re: the playlist and lie about who it was named after.

4.He dismissed you. “It’s complicated. I don’t want to talk about it.” doesn’t fly. Nothing in your past that’s currently irrelevant should be complicated. It’s clear to me that she’s not in his past as he still appears attached in some way.

Overall though, please assert yourself and your role as wife and stop walking on eggshells around your husband. The fact that you sought counselling for this and he had no clue is so weird to me – that it could affect to that extent and you could keep it inside. Honestly, reading your post made me feel bad – not only for what you are going through…..but mostly because it appears that you have no backbone. You were willing to put the flirting thing and him sharing more with her that he does with you, etc. behind you instead of confronting things in the past…and now you are not standing up for yourself. You have great advice in this thread. Please take it.

Post # 37
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 1975

always-trying:  If you feel uncomfortable with what transpired, and if the situation were reversed and you would not do that to him/he would not appreciate that you did this, then yes, it is inappropriate. 

Post # 39
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

always-trying:  I personally think that all serious conversations need to be done in person so that both of you can read body language and facial expression. There is too much risk of misinterpreting something on the phone. Don’t have an important conversation over the phone, because even with voice tone you will not have all of the important information in his responses.

Post # 40
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

always-trying:  How about something like this: “Husband I need to talk to you about something that is very important to me and our relationship. I did something awhile back that you will probably be upset with me for and I am very sorry. However, because of this I really need to talk to you about the situation and get your support. I stumbled upon your open email and I know that I shouldn’t have looked at it and invaded your privacy, but I did. I was tempted by it in a moment of weakness because I noticed you acting disconnected from me and was worried about the reason why, or if I should be concerned. I’m sorry I looked through your private messages. It was not right of me to do so. However I did find emails that were surprising to me only because I have never heard of this “Franny” girl before and wondered who she was. I’m sure you could understand why I would be concerned over the nature of your emails with her. I actually noticed that you haven’t emailed her since we got married, so I decided to let it go. The other day though, we both know that you have a playlist under her name on your ipod. I saw it and you reacted very strangely and now I’m very concerned about what this might mean. Husband will you please be open and honest with me about who this girl is and what she means to you? I’m sure that you will understand my need to know this information as I am your wife, and life partner, and up until now did not think that we had any secrets from each other.”

If you say this in a calm straightforward manner and try not to get too emotional, he won’t have much reason to blow up in anger or he will seem like the crazy one who is overreacting.

Post # 43
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

always-trying:  Actually, reading could be a good idea, because you could ask him to not interrupt you and listen to the whole thing before saying anything. I also find giving people my full complete attention with eye contact and space to talk really helps them to open up. Like after anything he says just pause and look at him for a bit. If that makes sense. People like to fill silence so they tend to keep talking and if you’re listening and giving him space before you talk again you can give yourself time to process emotions that come up.

Post # 44
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

Life is way too short to waste time. Lay it all out, get it all out there. Go from there.

Post # 45
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

always-trying:  It might even help to give him a copy of what you read. It will be a lot to take in and when he is having his say it would be helpful to refer to what you have said.

I just want to wish you the best of luck and say that it is extremely important that you do lay everything out on the table. 

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