Post # 1
I was told this was rude by one of my bridesmaids….do you think so?
One of my bridesmaids lives on the West Coast while everyone else is on the East (though not in the same state). This West Coast bm is the least financially stable out of everyone. Becasue I am aware of these facts about my West Coast bm (did I mention she is also family), I let another bm know that if a suitable date can’t be made for the bridal shower that it is okay if she can’t come. She can still help them with planning or with a group gift if she so chooses. I just don’t want her to be burdened with the costs of traveling cross country a few times, sharing costs for the gatherings, gifts, all on top of bm dress, etc. My bm I was talking to said that not having her there would be rude. If West Coast bm wants to shell out that kind of cash then fine….but I know her and I don’t think she can. Is it rude to say it’s okay if she can’t make the pre-wedding events? Of course I want her there, I just want the other girls not to guilt her in to thinking that if she can’t come then I would be mad/upset OR to be overly accomadating to her (or any one person’s schedule) and have the festivities too close to the wedding date as I think it would be asking too much of the other guests to travel 2 weekends in a row.
Post # 2
What you did is the opposite of rude. The bridesmaid who was offended is being rude. You are being realistic and understanding that no matter how much the West Coast Bridesmaid or Best Man may love you and want to be there, it costs A LOT to travel and she is already going to be coughing up a lot of money to attend the wedding and likely can’t afford to attend the pre-wedding festitivites.
Post # 3
I would suggest that you speak to the WC bridesmaid personally. Maybe leave the conversation more open and less directed…give her the opportunity to let you know if she wouldn’t miss it for the world or if it’s all a bit too much. I think your sentiment is respectful, but you’re assuming things before you’ve even heard her thoughts.
Post # 4
I dont see anything rude about any of it. It probably didn’t need to be said that if she can’t come, then it was ok anwyays. But what is to be done when you’re on the otherside of the country. One of my BMs didn’t come to my shower in Boston and she was just in DC. No big deal. I would not expect anyone, not even a Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor or Mother-In-Law or my own mother … anyone to fly out to my shower or bachelorette party. The only thing they need to show up to is the wedding.
Post # 5
I don’t think it’s rude if you let her know you won’t be hurt if she can’t make it.
I would, however, avoid saying this to her or your other BM’s: “She can still help them with planning or with a group gift if she so chooses.” You probably didn’t mean it this way, but it comes off as “You can still do the work of planning my party and buying me a present, but don’t worry about actually coming to the fun part!”. Just a thought.
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Post # 6
MrsHistory-Bee: Maybe your Bridesmaid or Best Man took it like you meant that you didn’t care if your other Bridesmaid or Best Man was there or not? That’s the only way I can see it coming across as rude. Ask her why she thinks it’s rude? There’s usually a different side to every story, maybe it’s just a communication issue?
To me it sounds reasonable that you don’t expect your Bridesmaid or Best Man to travel across the country for a bridal shower.
Post # 7
MrsHistory-Bee: You sound like you were just trying to be considerate of the costs for her. However, it was maybe a little presumptuous to tell your bridesmaid that she’d be “excused” from a shower, gifts, gatherings that you seem to expect from all your bridesmaids. Or you potentially sounded like you expect the bm to plan a shower but don’t want her there. Your bms are presumably all adults – they should be able to figure it out, and if the east coast girls are reasonable, they shouldn’t pressure the west coast bm to travel (or take on shower planning) when she can’t afford it.
Post # 8
ClaudiaKishi: You are right I didn’t mean it how you read it, lol. I meant to not shut WC bm out if they find out she couldn’t come.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2015 - The Biltmore Ballrooms
You’re being considerate, not rude at all in my opinion.
Post # 10
I agree with ClaudiaKishi. It’s nice to let WC bridesmaid know that you’re not expecting/demanding she fly cross country for your shower. I’m sure you’re just trying to make sure she doesn’t feel excluded and that’s great but to say ‘she can still help them with planning or with a group gift’ that might come across like you want her to help pay for activities in which she is not participating.
Post # 11
lolalulu_24: Ahh! I see what you mean I think. The bridesmaid I was talking to could have thought that I was saying it was okay for WC bm not to contribute because of her finances, but that I was not taking everyone else’s situation….right?
Post # 12
MrsHistory-Bee: I let my out of town BMs know right off the bat that I know they likely won’t be able to make the little precusory events and all I wanted was them to be there for the big day! Your other Bridesmaid or Best Man is out of line.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX
MrsHistory-Bee: Not rude at all. I did the same thing. I have one bridesmaid on the West Coast and the rest live in my state. I spoke with her ahead of time and told her that I would love to have her at my shower/bachelorette party but I understood it would cost a lot of money to fly out for those things and the wedding, all I wanted was for her to feel comfortable. She ended up not coming to either party, because it was just too inconvenient/expensive. We are both fine with the situation and can’t wait to see each other the week of the wedding!
Post # 14
The only way to find that rude is to read about 50 more layers of context into it than what was actually said. I actually enjoy party planning, and would be (and have been) rather sad of being left out of bridal shower planning, even if I don’t know if I can make it.
Post # 15
MrsHistory-Bee: Haha, I figured that’s what you meant but thought I would point it out juuuuust in case 🙂