Post # 1
I know this is weird but I blame myself for what has happened to me. I feel like it was my fault and that it could have been avoided. Was I raped or was it my fault? Three different situations:
1) I was a freshman in high school and this senior was interested in me. I was so amazed over the fact that he was paying me attention. We weren’t officially in a relationship because he didnt “do relationships.” Anyway, I thought I loved him. He came over to my house one day after school and mixed Gatorade with alcohol (which I didn’t know until taking a few big sips). I had never had alcohol before so I was curious to see what I would feel like, how it would affect me. Anyway, we end up having sex, I don’t remember much. But I remember afterwards, I was still warm and happy in a way. Aren’t you supposed to be hurting in some way after rape? Was that my fault?
2) I am drinking with my friend (junior year) and we’re hanging out having a great time. All of a sudden, she leaves the apartment and this guy I know comes in. We are the only ones in the apartment now. i knew the guy, he was my best friend’s boyfriend. He picked me up and carried me back to a room and had sex with me. Now I consider this rape because I know I said no but isn’t this my fault as well??
3) I went over to this guy’s house. We were good friends. we were watching Netflix and eating pasta. I honestly cannot remember anymore details from that day but I do remember that we had sex and it was very uncomfortable. I was bleeding afterwards. i felt pressured into it (this guy was 6-6″ and much stronger than me). I couldn’t exactly walk away, push him off. But is this my fault for going to his house in the first place?
ive been dealing with this for years. I haven’t felt right since. Mainly, because I don’t know if I was raped or not. It’s affecting my current relationship and I don’t know what to do. I love home and we plan on getting married. I just get mad all of the time and take it out on him. I’m afraid I’ll ruin it before we even make it there. He doesn’t deserve this. Someone please help me understand what I should do. Was I raped or was it my fault?
Post # 2
If you have to ask, “Was I raped?” then it’s probably rape.
Post # 3
Well i gave talks on sexual exploitation and i can tell you that when alcohol is involved, consent is not valid. A person can not consent to sex when intoxicated because they are..well..intoxicated. If a guy gives you drugs to follow up and encourage sex, its rape.
Theres this misconception that rape is only when the person is screaming and crying and being pinned down. Not true. Rape is when the person wasnt 100% sure and the other person persuaded them. Rape can even happen in a relationship if consent is not given.
Unless you say “yes i want to have sex with you” without intoxication and manipulation, or you are clearly 100% into it…its rape. This is also how the courts make their decisions- i used to work in the field that dealt with this matter.
Feeling pressured to have had sex is rape because you yourself did not give real consent. Emotional manipulation also counts as rape- you dont need to be forcefully pinned down.
If you have to ask “was i raped”, i think you have your answer there.
Counselling is a great way to move forward with the past and heal, i really recommend it !
Post # 4
Please see a therapist. Yes, while it is not the violent force that people usually think of as rape but you didn’t say yes to either case. Rape isn’t always about yelling NO but it is also about the inability of saying yes. Best to go to a professional who can help
Post # 5
If you don’t consent then it’s rape, if you’re too drunk to consent then it’s rape, if you’re too scared to say no then it’s rape.
It is not your fault that some guys have done this. The only appropriate way to behave is to get enthusiast consent from your partner. Agreeing to watch Netflix or eat pasta is not agreeing to sex. Spiking you (with drugs or alcohol) is not how you seduce someone.
Most rapist are not lurking down dark alleyways waiting to pounce on strangers, they are exactly the type of situation you describe and that makes it harder to describe as rape.
If you are able to talk to someone and look into counselling I would recommend it, these men should not have you blaming yourself and interfering with your relationships, you are worth so much more than that. look after yourself x
Post # 6
You HAVE to know that no one on here would tell you these incidents were your fault. 100% not your fault. I hope you are able to open up to someone in your life about this.
– [content moderated], but still feel compelled to answer in case it isn’t. Maybe it’s easier to first talk about trauma online but… is there a way these won’t show up in /wedding related?
Post # 7
If you say no, it’s rape. If you don’t want it, it’s rape. If you are mentally impared by drugs or alcohol and someone takes advantage of that situation, it’s rape.
I am really sorry this has happened to you. If you ever feel unsure about a situation, please make it known that you are saying no. Stand up for yourself darling, and stay safe. Don’t let anyone make you feel like it was your fault, because it isn’t
Post # 8
Bee, I’m so sorry and pissed off for you for these experiences you had. No wonder you are angry. Yes they are all rape, not your fault but theirs. Even with the boy you liked, the alcohol and that he knew you were underage makes that rape. You are brave to post here and to want to improve your reactions to your current SO. There are a lot of valuable resources – counseling and not for profit agencies that can help you to heal. Even if you are not particularly a feminist you may additionally find reading feminist literature on our rape culture to be empowering. Like many many others (including on the Bee) you will go on to become empowered, to heal, to stop blaming yourself and to enjoy your current love. A big virtual hug!!!!
Post # 9
I’m sorry and hate to be the crude one. But if you really have to ask people in an online community if you were raped, then you either don’t understand what rape is or you have been raped. What boggles my mind is you decide now to bring it up in your life. Why not ask for help immediatly after this happened to you?
Post # 10
ohmylanta13: I am actually glad you do not have to understand the issue. Rape is complicated, the trauma can take years to decompress. It can be extremely complicated and it is very difficult to deal with immediately after the fact. What do I know? I was a victim and took a decade to not feel the shame, guilt and face that I was a victim. I am a survivor strong.
Post # 11
No. Absolutely none of the scenarios you described were in any way your fault, and yes, I would classify all three as rape. I’m so sorry you have been through this, but very happy that you are feeling ready to start to understand what happened, and to try and begin to process it.
Do you have a women’s crisis Centre or hotline where you live? They can put you in touch with some resources to help you begin to heal…they might also be able to help your Fiance understand what you’re going through so he can support you. I’m so sorry, but know that getting help is a brave and powerful step and I wish you luck bee.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222
I’m so confused as to how you are even confused over whether this was rape or not. He picked you up and carried you somewhere, and, even though you said no, had sex with your body (not with you because he didn’t care about your person outside of what your body parts could do for him.)
Yes, you were raped. No it’s not your fault, just because you hang out with someone and drink around them does not mean you give up the right to body autonomy.
This is why we need more education about rape in schools. All of these guys have probably done this to a lot of girls. Your story is so gross and yet so common. I hope these guys’ d*cks rot off and someone puts their worthless @sses in prison and throws the key away, although thanks to timeframe laws that person can’t be you.
Please see a therapist! You need to talk to someone about what you went through.
Post # 13
The only one who is ever at fault for a rape is the rapist.
Post # 14
No consent is rape. If you have to ask if you were raped, you probably were.
Please stop blaming yourself for any and all of these situations. Going to someone’s house is not an open invitation for someone to take advantage of you. Having ingested alcohol, whether accidentially or by choice, is not giving consent for someone to take advantage of you.
You. Are. Not. At. Fault.
Post # 15
theatrejulia: I’m sorry, but I don’t have that kind of compassion. And pulling the victim card doesn’t help your case. Everyone wants special treatment because they “survived” something. It is how our entitled world is.