(Closed) Was I raped?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

anonkitty:  Consenting to a drink is not consenting to sex. If she doesn’t remember, chances are she was blacked out and not able to consent to sex. Maybe it’s not as big of a violation if she was held down and forced, but having sex without consenting can still be a very violating feeling.

Post # 47
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

SoobySays:  I never said it was the same thing. I just don’t know why it’s considered rape for the OP but not for the other guy who was most likely intoxicated as well. I just don’t like it when people automatically put the blame on the guy. If they were both intoxicated, they BOTH couldn’t consent. She asked if it was her fault – either no one is at fault, or they both are. There’s no one side to it. Also to clarify I am only talking about scenario 1.

ETA If a guy got drunk at his bachlor party, blacked out and ended up sleeping with someone else, everyone here would agree that HE is at fault. Even if he regretted it the next day. I don’t really see a difference with that an OP’s first scenario. They got drunk and had sex. She felt happy after and regretted it later. Alcohol makes you do stupid things.

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  anonkitty.
Post # 48
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

anonkitty:  A previous poster asked the same question, and I clarified that it IS non-consentual sex for both of them. If you are not able to give meaningful consent, it’s non-consentual sex. Whether or not someone feels violated by non-consentual sex is a separate issue (and you’re right – it’s too common to assume that a male would not feel violated). So, assuming that he TOLD her he put alcohol in her drink instead of letting her figuring it out on her own, and assuming that neither had intentions of having sex, and assuming there was no cooercion on either party’s part – then it was mutually non-consentual and up to each individual to decide if they feel violated.

Post # 49
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

ohnoitslindsay:  Yeah I was the poster who asked the question. I was just replying to SoobySays that I know consenting to alcohol is different than sex and that based on OP’s information, to me it sounds like it was non-consentual both ways. 

Post # 50
Member
6633 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I don’t usually jump in on things, but you asked one question that few people seem to be responding to, which is whether or not you are to blame.  The answer, technically, is “NO” but I think what you’re really needing to find is a way to avoid this occuring yet again.  Three times with three different people sounds to me as though you are frequently finding yourself in situations where someone who wants to take advantage will.  Some people will call it victim blaming when suggestions for avoidance are made.  I am not blaming you for your past, I am giving you suggestions to be more proactive in your future.

1.  Everything that happens appears to be either alcohol or “mysterious forgetfulness” related.  Which means that these people are slipping things into your drink, most likely.  If you go somewhere where you will be alone with a man, either bring your own drink (non alcoholic) or keep a very steady eye on whatever you get.  Don’t let them fix it in another room, don’t walk away from it for the bathroom, etc.

2.  Learn to say “NO”.  Say it loud.  Walk away.  You can’t do this if you haven’t been following #1, so make sure you do.

3. Rethink who your friends are.  why have you been around so many people who would do something like this?  Is there a common personality trait you are attracted to that you need to watch out for?   I am NOT saying it’s your fault for making these friends, but I AM saying you need friends who aren’t the type to take advantage of someone, or worse.  I have never been unable to be alone with any of my guy friends. I can’t think of a one who would dream of doing something like this to a woman.  I’m assuming it’s because of certain personality characteristics that I seek in the people I spend time with.

4. If you have been drinking, make sure beforehand that one of your closest (female) friends will stay with you at all times.  A true friend will understand that this is a support you need right now to feel/be safe.  If you will be alone with someone, such as on a date, make sure someone knows where you are and gives you a check-in call once in awhile.  If they call and you don’t answer, they can immediately assume you need assistance.

I am basing the above on the common factors I saw in your descriptios – alcohol/unknown, being alone with a man, all either close friends or friends of friends.

I also suggest therapy to help you work through this, build confidence and better understand your personal decisions and those of others (such as who can/can’t be trusted).  There is nothing worse IMO, than refusing to be proactive because someone else shouldn’t be doing something in the first place.  Many people equate this with victim blaming, but I find that to be a ridiculous perspective, personally.

Post # 51
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Our Church

 

ohmylanta13:  I was raped and didn’t tell anyone for 3 years. I didn’t have the stomach to bring it up. Every time I tried to tell my mom my mouth would get dry, i’d start dry heaving, and I just couldn’t. Finally, I just told her. Idk where my courage came from but I did. I couldn’t even talk for the first 5 minutes because I couldn’t stop crying. When I was talking to her about it, I was crying. And then I got so mad I broke my hand punching the wall. So- Not everyone can talk about what just happened to them. I mean, for heavens sake you were just forced to have a freaking penis inside you. That is so traumatizing. And honestly, if you “don’t have that kind of compassion”, then why in the hell are you on a page about rape?

Post # 52
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

1 sounds like a grape situation. 2 sounds like rape. 3 may be rape or grape.

Post # 53
Member
575 posts
Busy bee

I have no answers to your questions, since even you do not remember what happened. However, I think you should start taking responsibility for yourself and your behavior. There are simple ways to avoid getting yourself repeatedly into the type of situations you describe – the simplest one being not to drink so much that you don’t understand what is happening. Another one might be to better choose your friends and avoid being alone with men you don’t know very well.

Post # 54
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would tend to have more compassion if said victim did not REPEATEDLY put herself in the situation. To me, it sounds like a cry for attention. As for everyone else who has been raped, I am sorry it happened it you but DO NOT force your stories in my face to make me feel bad. This is ONE situation I don’t feel bad for someone. Who are you all to judge and say who I am by ONE opinion to ONE story? Hypocritical is what a lot of you are. I can post on any thread and put my two cents in anywhere. Whether it be hurtful or not, it is an OPINION.

Stop with the “I am right and you are wrong because you don’t agree with me.” 

Post # 55
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

ohmylanta13:  Put herself in the situation of… being in an apartment with a friend? Going to her good friend’s house?

Insisting that a woman is somehow to blame if she isn’t the “perfect victim” is, thankfully, not how the criminal justice system is supposed to work. Women are allowed to have friends over, visit friends, and go drinking, just as men are. The person who commits the crime is the one on trial.

I would also encourage you to rethink what you said before (“I am entitled to an opinion. You don’t have to agree with me. I won’t argue about it, because my feelings will not change.”)

Everyone should be willing to listen to other points of view, consider alternatives, and revise their opinions if they’re found to be flawed. Being open to new ideas and views is what’s driven pretty much all of human progress throughout history. There’s no pride in being stubborn in the fact of facts.

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  mangosandcats.
  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  mangosandcats.
Post # 56
Member
8865 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This is not directed at the OP, it’s to the people asking/talking about being “intoxicated” and whether that means you can’t consent to sex. Being “intoxicated” does NOT mean you can’t consent to having sex. You can be drunk and decide to have sex, and that sex is not rape. Even if you’re really drunk, you can still say “bring it on” and have consentual sex. But if you are SO drunk that you’re incapable of saying “yes, let’s do this” (so like passed out, or slipping in and out of consciousness, or sitting there conscious but non-responsive, etc) and someone has sex with you anyway without you indicating that you’re ok with it, THAT is rape. Even if you didn’t tell them no, the fact that you were incapable of saying yes OR no, that makes it rape. If both people were drunk to that point, no sex would be had. It would be physically impossible. If one person is drunk to that point and the other is drunk but still capable of making decisions, and they decide to have sex with the person who is incapable of saying yes or no, that’s rape. Being drunk does not get you off the hook for committing a crime. If both people are drunk, but they are both able to consent, that’s consentual sex.

Post # 57
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

[content moderated for troll calling]

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